I know I am miles away , but trust me when I say

I'm here

waiting patiently . until my fingertips can get lost against the tapestry

of your stars,

sinking into the skin and the warmth

I have been missing for millenniums, it seems

a blended kaleidoscope of countless lives

each one speaking of misplaced fragments of you,

painted in colors reflecting so well the light of your eyes

golden brown galaxies,

that have now settled in the form of soft whispers

in the complicated structure of my lungs,

so masterfully moving the red ribbon of fate

between the ribs

that only used to know ice

and now with gentle embers in the form of the winter sun,

resting so vulnerably

in the palm of my hands

a heart put together with careful threads,

stitched and seamed with silver linings, steady iron, and cotton dreams

I know I am miles away , but trust me when I say

I'm here

Jade clutched her arm as the blood spilled out. Blood as green as the grass. Except the grass had long since turned brown. Jade was the last shred of green in this world.

It had been like that ever since the Peaceful came. They vowed to eliminate violence.

And green was violence. The trees, the grass, everything green had to go. Because green was violence.

Jade could not scream, even though the pain ripping through her arm made her want to. She kept her fingers tight around the wound, hoping to stem the flow. The green blood. The poison blood.

The Peaceful were after her. They sought to eliminate Green. And Jade was the embodiment of green. Her eyes, green. Her name, green. Her blood, green.

Of course, she didn’t know it, but the Peaceful had already found her. They were silently circling, closing in, waiting for the right moment. They were watching her green blood, her green eyes, her green hair, her green skin. She was green.

The Peaceful were from another planet, the planet Emerald, or so it translated in Jade’s language, and they had seen it destroyed by violence. The Peaceful knew it was because of Green. Their planet had been cursed. Now, they traveled the galaxy, eradicating the green and leaving the planets once they had been made Peaceful.

Often, that meant leaving behind broken families and desolate wastelands, but the Peaceful didn’t care, and why should they? Their mission was just. Peace at last...

For so long, peace had been unattainable. Wars had ravaged Earth for decades now, ever since the assassination at the Alliance in 2999. Humanity thought that, as a new millenia arrived, it would be a new chance for peace, for growth, but instead, it only ushered in war like had never been seen.

The Peaceful had their sights set on Earth for years. They knew Earth was very similar to Emerald; cursed by the green. And so they came to help.

That was in 3006. Before people stopped keeping track of the dates and just focused on surviving.

Soon, almost no one was surviving.

But Jade had survived. And now she was about to die.

For years, she’d wondered why the Peaceful thought she had green blood. It was red. Her eyes were a dark brown. Jade was not green.

Until she realized it.

Their eyes.

The Peaceful saw the world in monochrome, and in their society, they had deemed the color they saw “Green.” Everything they saw was in shades of green.

And when Jade finally saw the Peaceful, closing in on her with their beady black eyes, she wondered when they’d realize it. When they’d start to turn on each other. She wondered who would be the last one standing.

She wondered when they’d realize that the green wasn’t the violence, they were.

She wondered all of these things, but she’d never get the answers.

She wouldn’t be around to see them.

yearning is a body wasting away in satin sheets

bloated with fantasies of skinny dipping in broad daylight

rooftop picnics and poetry when the moon is full;

soft kisses when she’s empty, emotions to match

they’re all but stenciled dreams, off-brand memories

a stranger’s home video tapes on the ceiling

worshiped through chlorine eyes

yearning is forgetting this life

for one that never was and never will be

trying on shoes that no one can walk in

but wearing them anyway

that’s why all the pretty girls have feet that ache and bleed

and pretty boys in their bedrooms

yearning is a soul decomposing

a grave for the stems of dandelions plucked from the earth

while their cotton fae now cling to the dreamcatchers

swaying vacant in the kitchen window

it is wanting and wanting and

weeping over what cannot be

my younglife leader was twenty years old when i was fifteen

he was charismatic

he was popular

and he could drive

he sneaked me out of my house on new year's eve to get ice cream in the cold

makes you think: what kind of logic is that?

everyone thought he was stupid

he failed calculus

but he was brilliant in other ways

a master manipulator

he took his god's words and twisted them

he gave himself power above me

and he was always right

because he is a man

a man chosen by his god

to lead me to the light

he left me in a closet

a dark one

alone and lost with no sense of self worth

still the only thing that i have is myself

a presence much warmer than his god

ever could be

Ever had nature pull you to someone like a magnet? Nature really wanted me to be with her, the brown haired dancer who lived down the road. Her sweet heart-shaped face had a beautiful smile, and soft pink dusted cheeks. With her natural facial features came her daring eyes, which tended to speak louder than anyone in the room with just one crude look.

Before I even imagined having a crush on her, she was my best friend. We went from sewing clothes for our stuffed animals together to partying with just the two of us. Time flew by, and soon, her smile made me melt into a mushy fourth of July popsicle. Anything she said sounded like a harp in heaven, even if it was cruel. I was simply head over heels for her and the stories her eyes would tell just by expression.

I'll never forget the first time I kissed her, right after pinning her down on a trampoline. Her expression was as excited as mine once she felt my hands reach out to hold hers, reality quickly tried to snap us both back into place after a few seconds of paradise, but failed. The cuddles we shared alongside secret whispers of lust behind any boyfriends back seemed to slowly build after that, and over time, we became closer than I ever expected, though we never became girlfriends. 'Sneaky-best-friend-lovers' is probably the best word out there to explain.

You can back away at any time.

I say out loud, hoping to sound confident about it, yet knowing I wasn’t even convincing to myself. I exhale shakily and a couple of small rocks fell to the ground again. I try to ignore it, and not let the panic set in completely yet. I had to stay calm, and the reason for that was that I didn’t want to give up. I started something, and I wanted to finish it as well. I didn’t want to quit. Maybe this was something important, a way out.

And if I backed away now, I would never know for sure.

I start to get up slowly, keeping a low crouch at first, my eyes wandering around cautiously. After a moment, when no actual part of the ceiling above me, falls on my head, I decide to carefully straighten my position. Everything seemed more or less stable, and it was the best green light I was going to get in this situation. No point in fooling myself there. I reach the cave’s wall in front of me and continue to make the hole in it bigger. However much slower and with less force this time. And as my eyes start to adjust to the bright blue light, I begin to notice more details.

The space that I see through the opening is rather big, huge even. Hmm, how to describe this. It was like a big crater, not quite like another cave, more like a grotto in a rounded shape. If that made any sense. I wasn’t sure, but something told me I was very high in the air. Too high.

I bend down and take a medium size rock the size of my hand, and toss it through the opening. And as it falls down, there is no distinct sound to it, just the low cry of the wind whistling around me. I wait patiently for any noise, slowly counting the numbers in my mind. 1… 2… 3… 7… 8… 9... - my eyes grow wider as the silence continues. 14… 15… 16...

And finally, I hear a quiet splash beneath me.

This throws me off completely. I didn’t know what bothered me more, the fact I was probably very high in the air, or that I heard the clear sound of water splashing. Hmm, some kind of stream maybe, an underground river? I knew that it was possible, but still, it surprised me. I don’t know what I was expecting, but the probability of a river ten or twenty floors beneath my feet wasn’t one of them.

As the shock of it starts to wear off, I continue to make the opening wider, focusing on the bottom part so that I could see something that was lower, beneath me. When I more or less achieve my goal, I lean forward carefully, holding on to the more solid part of the wall. The thing that I see is… I narrow my eyes and focus more since the ground was very far away. I not only saw a river happily splashing around and flowing with speed but also something else that I didn’t expect. Why I was actually expecting anything by now, was beyond me.

The thing that stunned me down there were the colors. Not only the obvious blue color of the river but a very juicy green as well. The bright light magnifying it even more.

I mean, it was a long time since I last saw anything even close to what you could call nature. The nearby stream my only reminder of the world above. Hmm, I guess the flora and fauna did actually exist down here after all, since I already got the fauna specimen; a real beast.

As I delicately step back, watching out not to slip on anything again, I take another glance at the open space stretching out in front of me. Silently wondering about the source of the strange blue light. It reminded me of the other caves that I saw before, the ones with the unnatural sunlight. And just like then, I also didn’t have an answer to this dilemma. The light had come out of some kind of an opening, a crack in the wall, or maybe… a portal perhaps? I shake my head in frustration as my imagination keeps on throwing different images at me, each one more questionable than the next.

This couldn’t be so complicated, right? I sigh deeply when a thought occurs to me. Slowly I lean forward again, holding the wall for some support, stretching out my neck, and at the same time twisting my head up. My eyes open wider.

The ceiling above me was definitely lighted up as if I was looking at the night sky and this place was a perfectly normal cave, with the universe’s grand view peeking inside and welcoming me with open arms. There were no actual stars, however, there wasn’t anything else that I could compare it to. I take another glance at the so-called night sky and furrow my eyebrows. It felt like I wasn’t giving the scenery enough justice.

The light that I saw was kind of… - I try to look for the right words. Mystical. Yes, mystical. That was the only word that came into my mind. Almost as if some of the fog that was constantly flowing around my ankles, decided to also flow around the top areas of this little hell hole - also taking the role of clouds and flow majestically above my head. It made the light a bit foggy and milky, blurry. Really all that was missing right now was a big, fat moon to fill the entire picture.

And yet there was none.

Originally published on Sunday, August 27th, 2017

My roommate dated a druggie for a brief time in college. Didn’t work out, but she used to say this peculiar thing:

Her girlfriend would suddenly fall asleep in the middle of a conversation.

Or the middle of painting.

Or the middle of...well...anything?

Apparently when the body desperately needs sleep, then it will shut itself down. Rather like a phone completely out of battery. Her girlfriend, who had been hopped up on drugs, would go days without sleeping until she literally just “crashed” because her body said so.

If you’re not able to fully “sleep” it could be something’s bothering you, stressing you, etc. and you can’t deal with it so you’re stuck. Maybe just do something else then. Write. Read. Learn to crochet. Do whatever makes the feeling of stress/bother go away. If you need a screen, get some blue light blocking glasses - blue light kills your melatonin levels needed to sleep.

When you really need to sleep know that your battery will shut down. And it won’t kill you - unless you’re doing actual drugs or operating heavy machinery. Drugs can kill you, kids. As can heavy machinery but only when you’re not up to operating it safely.

But sleep is always your friend. Never fear the night - or what comes with it.

no one can make you feel

inferior

without your permission

i didn't

need permission

to waltz in on my own insecurities

and crush my psyche to salt.

after all,

if i'm the one

making myself feel inferior,

doesn't that mean

i gave myself permission?

which facet of my mind

allowed this voice in my head

to take control?

which of my atoms rebelled

and allowed doubt to roam free?

no one

can make you feel

inferior.

no one makes me feel inferior.

no one except myself.

"I got bit by a dog."

What happened to the barbeque?

I was just outside so how did I

Get here?

Mom won't let me close my eyes

But my head hurts

And I just want it to stop

Where did Max and

Babe go?

I was petting them just a second ago

So when did I get in the car?

Dad keeps talking fast

In the driver's seat

The bumps in the road

Make my head hurt worse

But Mom won't let me shut my eyes

So I'm crying

Twisting my crocheted blankey

Between my toes and fists

Till I win

And slumber off ~

* * * * *

/ n o t a r e

#freeverse #spokenword #nonfiction #poetry #memories

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@bykaileyann

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