She was alone, and I thought she could use some company. Just a laugh or two, anything to make that forlorn aura dissipate.

Talks turned to walks, and walks into dates. I wore myself on my sleeves, and rolled them up while I pried into her most hated forms. She wasn’t so bad, not to me.

Time flew as I poured myself into her, our eyes locked, souls bared wide.

Or so I thought.

No, for she looked beyond, to a place where I no longer existed. A place where strife was an old friend, and lonliness preferable company.

Perhaps she wasn’t ready yet, or maybe she was - just not for me.

i meant to give you the world

i didn't mean to make it hurt

i meant to give you the stars

i never meant to harm me with scars

i meant, i meant something else

entirely

when i said i could't settle i

didn't mean to pass you by

like a satelite.

i meant to have something in common

i didn't mean to only share

the way we repressed our feelings

i meant to communicate and care

you see

i meant, i meant something else

entirely

when i said you were no help

i meant to ask you to try caring as well.

i meant to make up my mind

i didn't mean to always have you decide

i meant to keep you as friend

and then as something undefined

i meant, i meant something else

entirely

when i said goodbye

i never meant forever

i meant to be back in a while

not to unwelcome myself

from your place

and to pathetically weep

after your face

i meant, i meant something else

entirely -

guess this is why we failed.

Ever had nature pull you to someone like a magnet? Nature really wanted me to be with her, the brown haired dancer who lived down the road. Her sweet heart-shaped face had a beautiful smile, and soft pink dusted cheeks. With her natural facial features came her daring eyes, which tended to speak louder than anyone in the room with just one crude look.

Before I even imagined having a crush on her, she was my best friend. We went from sewing clothes for our stuffed animals together to partying with just the two of us. Time flew by, and soon, her smile made me melt into a mushy fourth of July popsicle. Anything she said sounded like a harp in heaven, even if it was cruel. I was simply head over heels for her and the stories her eyes would tell just by expression.

I'll never forget the first time I kissed her, right after pinning her down on a trampoline. Her expression was as excited as mine once she felt my hands reach out to hold hers, reality quickly tried to snap us both back into place after a few seconds of paradise, but failed. The cuddles we shared alongside secret whispers of lust behind any boyfriends back seemed to slowly build after that, and over time, we became closer than I ever expected, though we never became girlfriends. 'Sneaky-best-friend-lovers' is probably the best word out there to explain.

she looks like a lit match,

all orange-haired and red-faced

and white-hot in your hands

but every moment lost to contemplation

is another centimeter closer to getting burned

she almost fools you into forever,

her warmth persuading promises from your lips

before your consciousness can catch up

and by the time it does, all that remains is

scarred flesh and a curl of black smoke

and ashes like an apology for the love that could’ve been

if she had not been born a flame,

a fleeting thing

Funny... check

Handsome... check

Street smart,

Book smart,

Capable,

Athletic,

Nice,

Musically inclined...

all of the above...check

im not sure if you see the pros and cons of this guy...

bc all all I see are pros *blink*

oh wait

^depression...check

But he was mine.

Or at least he was in my head.

A pretty picture,

a doll, makeup on.

I’d liked actors and musicians,

several deceased individuals,

maybe a couple professional athletes,

and, as any of us may understand, more than a countable number of book characters

...but he was real.

And that was why he was different.

A real-life, in-person, physical-copy.

7th period

last row

desk in the corner

Never talked in person

...can’t get myself to spend any courage

never invest any courage

can’t grow my supply

won’t talk to him

just watch

distance

all I’ll ever do

gave an apple pie to another guy

only the year before

spent all my courage then

wasnt a crush

hate the guy now

for misusing my courage

only watch...

all I’ll ever do

he's so pretty that’s all I need to do

I’d embarrass myself otherwise

Complimented me on a google meet

Told me he liked my pfp

said Merlin’s a top notch show

I didn’t see til he’d left

only watch...

all I’ll ever do

but I’m cool with that

And he’s almost too cold to touch, I’d leave him alone if I didn’t love him so much, in ways of the heart, our physicality, and such, he hit me in the core, a gut-wrenching punch

He came not to hold, but destroy my mechanical heart like a child’s brittle toy, he was clever, he was hidden, and he was coy, my rusted, unkempt, discontent, broken boy

And I don’t mean to be a bleeding cloud, I’ll admit how I feel, but I won’t do it aloud, he knows my resistance, he colors me proud, to him, I am just a face in a swirling crowd

But how can I be just the same, just another woman by the name of Plain Jane, he feels nothing as raw love drives me insane, my efforts to move him are pointless, inane

I wish I could transport him in a mirroring way, like the manner in which he got me to stay, make it so his heart would never stray, but there’s too much fright for me to convey-

I walk with him across thin, splintering ice, to fall under love’s spell, there is often a price, it is rarely pretty, it is not always nice, and my emotional faculties are starting to splice

-Together, but I don’t feel ready, try as I might, I can’t keep my breath steady, his scent alone is intoxicating, it’s heady, it cuts through my defences like a razor sharp machete

… From my eyes falls saline confetti…

Inside my brain, it is getting darker, graffiti my thoughts with an onyx Magic Marker, logic and reality are becoming starker and I’m running out of time 

What happened to when he was mine…?

In my bed, I still see his outline, my skin is VIBRATING, I am losing my MIND, and, of my Love Heart, there are simply pieces to find and in my memories, only slices of the always-weeping kind

He wore me like jewelry, something to wrap around him for others to envy, like a ring of  fleshy, elastic quality, but that should have stayed between the sheets, him, and me

Love, again, has become the Red Ghost, a parasitic longing looking for its next host, it left our story when we needed it the most, one more drink of champagne, one last sappy toast

But I’d sooner strangle than let it go, suffocate this fixation with a Christmas bow, cover it with a pillow, bury it in snow, find any way to grab it and never let it go

This isn’t healthy, I know, but I already told you that insanity is in tow, I’d do anything to cushion this blow if only my head would just tell me, “No.”

But, inside, I feel a faint growl, my mental predators are on the prowl, my heartstrings are cut, I let loose a howl and I fall away

Insomnia has me caught in its web, I’m anxiously waiting for this torment to ebb, lightly I call to him, quietly I almost beg, but it’s too late

I am alone in a sinking boat, an ocean of emotion tearing against my throat, capsizing quickly, I can’t stay afloat, beneath me are verbal bodies fat and white with bloat

Burning with desire, I realize now how I was playing with fire, it’s not safe to romantically admire when he was never real

After all, he had no heart to steal

I was 5

He was 6

In kindergarten

At my old school

We always chased kids at recess

Around the jungle gym

Past the swings

Our feet hurting from the sharp mulch

I always chased him

His blond hair would get sweaty

His brown eyes would be so happy

Every girl liked him

He was the popular kid

The hipster of us all

I liked him

Well

As much as a 5 year old can

He moved away

I dont even remember his name

I will preface this poem to say that my first real, serious crush was completely unrequited and not very realistic as I think back on it. He was my best friend's older brother, and a

dashing marine. All the descriptors for a cheesy hallmark movie haha. I remember after I met him for the first time, I couldn't eat for a week. I cannot explain that feeling to this day, however I was a young college girl who put her first "love" on such a pedastal there was not room for 2. So when I think of this time in my life, I think of how I just ached. I ached for him, and did not even know him. Not really. Sounds silly to me now, but to the young girl that I was, it was everything and it was real.

Here is what I wrote back then some 8 years or so now.

When

I find myself

writing of you

I lose myself completely.

I ache for want of you and

search for you in a sea of faces.

I cry tears that wash away doubts,

wipe the slate clean and my wanting goes on,

as if it were a myth passed down by word of mouth

as if it were a song that begged to be sung for the world.

Don't you see? Wanting you does not make me whole or happy.

Needing you does not complete the faint heartbeat of life.

Consoling myself to be resigned to waiting is akin

to waiting for rain in a decade long drought,

chafing from the ends of my hands to

the tips of my toes you encompass

every part of my aching body.

And I, well I, wait for want

of you and only you

like seas when

they recede

into quiet

sleep.

To the boy I loved,

I met you in 8th grade,

Oh how young and niave we both were.

We held hands and laugh at each other's childish humor.

I loved the freckles on your cheeks even though I hated mine.

I loved your dark brown eyes that had a tint of honey in them.

What we had was undeniable, there was something in the way you made me feel.

Everything disappeared when I saw you,

My heart never suffered as much as the day I lost you.

It was not our fault, my parents decided we would move away, and I think we adknowledge the fact we couldn't help it. But deep down we both wish things were different.

Though most people would look back at their childhood relationships and first loves and claim it wasn't true love. If we truly think about it, it was the truest love we would ever experience. We knew each other, not of money, not of sex, but a friendship that was enhance with the purity and innocence of our souls that linked us to each other. Not linked, bonded.

So you see, you were my first love, my favorite love, but years later my heart would go running back to the kind of relationship we had, even if it were nothing but a friendship again. I miss you, I miss us, I miss your laugh, I miss the way you jump during the haunted houses, and I miss us singing at the top of our lungs together at the lunch table of the same middle school where we met. I do truly believe that we were soulmates. It was always you since the day we met, and it still is...

(True story btw!)

Write me in the list of girls you talk quietly about.

And I'll pretend it was all in my head

We'll keep living our arrogant lives,

Knowing we were nothing but ends.

You are an image of a hand in mine,

the disappointment of the sun in my eyes.

I am the desperate swim downwards,

hoping the cold water beneath will make you feel something.

We are lost.

Standing tall in a maze of hushed voices,

trying to find the truth amongst the flitters of our heartbeat.

I have never loved the way I love you!

Though I know you have.

I am simply another girl to lose your heart to,

but you are the first I will lie about.

In a world of ending,

there is no use in believing you would want to begin.