I have the tendency to be all in or nothing at all.

Except I can't with you.

There's too much uncertainty.

Too much hurt for me to risk something like this again.

This. How stupid. To think that I could even label our relationship.

A friendship. A situationship. Mere strangers.

I don't know where we stand and that's why it's so difficult.

I wish things were more clear but for now I guess I will just wait.

But waiting is hard when the days drag, never ending.

Class after class, assignment after assignment...

I'm scared time will fly past me and nothing will ever change.

We will simply be ships in the night passing each other by for the rest of eternity.

I can almost imagine it's autumn.

It's after lunch time and I'm sitting

in the back of my last college lecture of the day.

A lifeless blue chair that has an arm

wrapped around in the form of a desk

is the only thing separating me from the

cold concrete wall. There's a window right

behind me but the blinds are closed.

If I close my eyes,

I can imagine it's autumn

with the leaves falling to the ground behind me.

A train horn sounds in the distance--

the same train that went right past my

childhood home. I wonder when the

last time I jumped in a leaf pile was or

dragged the massive blue tarp to the burn pile.

I wonder when the last time I ran

through my backyard was. I wonder

when the last time I ate a chocolate chip

Eggo waffle was. I can't do things anymore--

they remind me of you.

I can almost imagine it's autumn.

But autumn will never be the same

as it was when you were here.

the end of the academic year has arrived. the few short months you and i shared as friends have come to an end. where we once stood, closer than ever, we now must part--farther than when we were strangers. there is nothing worse than knowing someone for who they truly are and then losing them. not to sickness or death or drama but to life. things come and go and so did you. i hope that time brings you back around to me...that maybe just maybe that's the way the circle of life works. maybe in the fall you'll realize just what you let go and you will find the courage to come back to me. i will leave the porch light on for you. i will always save you a seat in study hall or in the cafeteria, just in case you decide to revisit the times we had together. i will always be one call away if you ever decide to ask for my number. i guess that is the hardest part of life for me... i will continue to love you even after you have hurt me whether it was intentional or not. you will always have a place in the back corner of my heart. i will always be a stranger waiting for you.

it's almost cliché to say you make me feel safe. it's such a fluffy statement, it doesn't do the feeling justice. when you're eyes gaze at me, staying a little longer than "just friends". when you go out of your way to be where i am, to be close to me, doing things i like with the people i enjoy hanging out with... our shared interests and views on life, the way we both let our failures go to our head...

maybe it's not a good thing to just let this all come out but i don't care. it's a ticking time bomb within my chest and it's a matter of time before i blow up.

i want to hold you. let you know the world doesn't deserve you. that you're doing amazing despite the pressure put on you from others. i want to know when you're sick, or sad, or feeling under the weather. i want to know how your day was, how your yesterday was, and how your tomorrow will be. i want you.

You told me your first memory was sitting at the bottom of the slide in your back yard, watching hot air balloons land in the field next to you. I can picture a little you, eyes wide and mouth agape in wonder at the sight of such a thing, the sun shining through your too-short blonde hair. You deserve the world. I hope you know that.

it's so hard to sleep at night. memories flood in, things i dont want to remember, things i want to forget more than i've ever wanted something else. it's destroying me, like one block at a time from a frail jenga tower. i can't keep doing this. it's driving me insane. i sleep fine during the daytime but when night falls i find myself staring at the wall through teary eyes praying to god that he'd let me sleep. just one night. just. one...

but if he hears, he doesn't answer.

there was nothing sweet about turning sixteen

nothing sweet about crying into your store-bought cake

watching the man at the other end of the table

completely ignore you as your mother sings happy birthday

it leaves a hole in your chest that will ache for the rest of eternity

when it's no longer your father looking back at you

but a stranger wearing his face

when he asks to teach you to drive two days before he dies

when he tells you he's sorry for getting sick, for not having long

that he's sorry for not being a better parent

when in reality, you're the one to be sorry

for not hugging him for yelling at him that you didn't have a dad anymore

for being so selfish and entitled not realizing what he was going through

and now he's gone and all you have is that empty feeling in your chest

you only turn sixteen once and there was nothing sweet about it

As a "semi-retired" writer, I'm wanting to....unretire.

But that is indeed more complicated than it sounds. One of the greatest struggles I've faced as a writer is the fact that I have a hard time organizing my thoughts in a manner that is productive for me. I've yet to find a system that works.

I've tried website after website and app after app to try and find something... anything... that will help me. But, alas, I am here. Back at the beginning.

I've never been one for outlining but I've noted that not outlining and writing as you go will back yourself into a corner and no one likes that.

So I was thinking about maybe a journal where I can just throw my words onto the pages and just flip through them, ever so aesthetically, when I need information.

Let me know what works for you and if you have any tips!

you left like a snow flake melting in the warm sun

you died like the leaves in autumn, begging me to go with you

you left like the sun when the rain descends

you left me.

everyone leaves, in the end.

or i leave.

it always seems i'm chasing my tail

in circles

around

and a r o u n d

and a r o u n d.

when does this sickening merry-go-round

end? when can i have the stability i crave?

i feel as if i've stopped growing or maturing

while the world continues to spin on and on and on...

i don't deserve this. i did nothing to lose you,

nothing wrong. this is unfair. everyone else had more

time, more moments, more laughs, memories, tears,

everything...

but me.

you won't be there when i graduate from high school.

you won't be there when i get my first car.

you won't be there my first day of college.

you'll never meet my boyfriends or friends and

you'll never walk me down the aisle.

marriage always seemed dull and boring but

if it meant you were by my side that day,

it would be worth it.

i think that now.

now that i will never get that

i think...ask...why.

was one not enough?

why not take two?

are you going to pick them off

like apples on a tree till only

i am left?

or will i be next...

will i be the next to die...

to be buried in the spring

with dying flowers adorning my grave.

will that be me?