I hate my family.

My dad is an alchaholic. Been fired from 2 jobs for drinking at work. Relies on TDI to support our family.

My brother is 20 but acts like he’s 6. He barely passed high school, and is the laziest person I know. Dropped out of college because, “it was too much work”.

My Mom is always working. Has had many different careers. Basically takes care of everyone.

Then there’s me. 12 years old. Cooking meals every night for me and my brother. Dancing 6 days a week. Straight A student. Star hockey player in my school team. All with a smile on my face. No one knows this besides my bestfriend. He helps me with everything. Homework, cooking. I have to wake up everyday at 4 to finish any homework , chores and to get ready for school. I get home everyday at 3 to the sight of my dad drunk and asleep on the couch. I do as much homework as I possibly can and make dinner. Around 6 everyday, besides Sunday, I have dance. By the time I get home, my brother has eaten almost all the food. My mom is just getting home from work. I make her a plate for dinner, and bring it up to her bed. Then I clean up any mess was made in the kitchen. By the time that’s done, my mom has finished dinner. I bring her plate down stairs and get in the shower. By the time I get to bed, it is about 11. I eat dinner if I feel like it. Sometimes I’m just too tired.

I‘m severely underweight

My friends always comment on how they wish they had my body.

Little do they know, this is what I go through for my body to look the way it does. This is my life.

I used to be confident.

Not that long ago actually.

I used to love myself.

I used to love my body.

But now, that summer is here, I’m second guessing myself.

I used to have a crush that I was almost certain liked me back.

But now, they are happily in a relationship.

I used to have many close friends.

But now, they are gone.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

I try to act normal.

Like I actually am happy.

But I can’t do that forever.

One of the only things keeping me alive is my bestfriend.

The only person I can truly be myself around without being judged.

Yes, I do have other friends.

But I can live without them.

I‘m trying my hardest not to loose my bestfriend.

Just like I did everyone else.

Because if I do, I will have no idea what to do with my life.

I need my bestfriend more than she will ever understand.

The truth is, we met when we were young.

The truth is, we grew up together.

The truth is, we were friends.

The truth is, we got a lot closer.

The truth is, I started to like you.

The truth is, I thought you liked me back.

The truth is, you got a girlfriend.

The truth is, I still liked you.

The truth is, I never stopped liking you.

The truth is, I never realized how much I liked you until I couldn’t have you anymore.

The truth is, I have to live everyday with the fact that I wasn’t good enough for you.

The truth is, it’s been a few months and I still like you.

The truth is, you were the one guy felt comfortable around.

The truth is, I have to act like I don’t care because I still want to be friends with you.

The truth is, I do care.

The truth is, I thought you did too.

Dear bestfriend,

Thank you to that one person who makes me feel accepted.

Thank you for making me feel like I am good enough.

Thank you for teaching me that being normal is okay but being you so much better.

Thank you for helping me through thick and thin.

Thank you for being you.

Now, it is time for you to feel:

accepted,

like you are enough.

And always remember that I will be here with you, through thick and thin.

Thank you for letting me be me and only me.

I've been thinking

a lot.

I've been thinking a lot about me,

how I view myself vs. how others see me.

I've always seen myself as less than,

not good enough.

I don't excell at anything.

I'm not that smart

or good at the things I love.

But all my friends

see me as a positive, normal teenager.

But they don't know what I've gone through.

I don't know if they ever will.

But I'm willing to live with that,

until I'm ready to tell them,

just so I can be happy with myself

at least for a little while.

I want to learn to accept myself for who I am.

I may not look the way I want to,

I may be untalented,

but I'm me

and that took me way to long to figure out.

Thank you to those few people who helped me

discover who I am,

realize that I am good enough,

no matter what anyone says.

I can't picture anyone liking me,

having a crush on me.

Thinking about me when they wake up,

or go to bed.

Getting butterflies when I smile.

All I am is quiet.

Nothing about me is exciting.

But somehow, you make me feel so special.

All I can think is

Me?

Why do you choose to talk to me?

Im not that pretty

or smart.

All I am is me.

I've been told all my life that wasn't enough.

There are so many other girls better than me.

You deserve better than me.

But all I want is you.

No matter my mood, you always make me smile.

I don't think you truly understand

how much you mean to me.

I can't tell if you like me back.

First, I think things are going pretty well,

and then I see you talking to other girls.

I know you aren't mine.

But I treat other guys as if I'm yours.

Hoping on day I will be.

Maybe soon.

Maybe never.

Who knows?