Sometimes I think I’ve lived too long,

I have been a mother to kids that are not mine,

I have raised them,

loved them and helped them grow.

I have been people’s friends,

Their rock,

Their support system,

I have been there for them.

I have been in love,

I gave my heart away,

Trusted that it wouldn’t get broken,

But it did.

I have been someone’s daughter,

I grew up,

I went to school,

I graduated,

I worked,

I give my parents my love.

I work,

I sleep,

I eat,

I care,

I give and never ask for anything in return.

I have done all of this and I’m exhausted,

I feel like I have lived a lifetime but I’m only 24,

24 isn’t that old at all yet I’m expected to have my life in order,

I’m expected to be everything I’m not.

At 24 I shouldn’t feel like this.

I shouldn’t feel like a failure,

I shouldn’t feel like I have lived too long.

Even with all of this I still wear a smile. Sometimes it’s fake because I don’t want people to worry,

And sometimes I don’t have the energy to explain why.

But I am smiling more for real than a mask that I have in a long time.

I still feel like I have lived too long but it’s a life I’m wanting to live.

I’m happy and even though right now my heart and soul are hurting I know I’m happy and everything will be okay.

And a really amazing friend told me ‘I know it’s a cliche but only time and good people around will heal you, no other way around it, I guess in the end you just wait until the pain is bearable and you can breathe without you throat getting tight... Its hard’

It’s a long life I’m willing and wanting to live.

Hello.

It's me. Your mistake. Your regret.

Why did you begin to fall in love with him? Why did you bring up something in the past about him and you? Why did you think of that night? That awful, awful night. You had begun to truly like someone, and it all started with a hug.

A hug. A hug that made you feel safe and comforted. It made you feel like you two were alone in space, bound to hug forever, like he could protect you. Like he would protect you. As if.

Why did you hate him? You felt hated and moved on. Then a friend stupidly asks a question that made you realize how much one night in the past could hurt you in future. You felt betrayed, even though it was half a year later and he had done nothing like that again.

You moved on, apparently, but now a part of that night will always stay with you, nagging you in the back of your mind. Telling you his words exactly.

You're weak.

You should be meaner, that's why you sit alone.

Maybe in the future you shouldn't hug someone who is taller than you.

if every flower were given wings...

the world would be filled with

butterflies

if every hand were given helium balloons...

the world would be filled with smiles

(and chipmunk voices)

if every mind were given imagination...

the world would see butterflies and balloons

on the bleakest of days

Rippling tide tickled in

Foaming cream embellished

frothing the creature

embraced within

curiosity piloted me

toward sodden shape

kissed by eddies

bathed by ocean tears

dusted with cinnamon sand

bedecked by sea creatures

flecks of sea worn shells

I extended my hand

to brush off the grains

recoiled in horror

threw caution to wind

excised the seaweed

sheltering her nose

pale lifeless eyes

resigned to fate

abandoning life

fearing its pursuit

too titanic to swim

through her misery

tide flowed out

taking the flotsam

the dregs of her life

leaving no traces.

I wondered with pain

if she had drowned

but my pith

sank with certainty

suicide with the tide.

#suicide #SoddenShape #Challenge #StrongPoem

I look out to where the sea and sky collide at the horizon. It saves the guy drowning in the waves behind my eyelids. The salt burns. He tried to climb an overturned vessel. I guess that's why it's called the Red Sea. Back at the peaceful shore I’m unsure if I even have a purpose. That’s when I see a body float to the surface. I jump into action not believing what I see. Then I overturn the body and recognize it’s me.

pain slips through my veins,

surges through my heart

rests upon my chest,

I gaze at the stars and feel

the emptiness that you left behind

I feel hollow

I feel drained

so pointless it seems

when you're not around,

so meaningless and forced

to smile,

to hope,

to live,

and yet I do,

I smile through my pain

I hope through my worries

and take breaths of life

that make me go on,

I am relentless in staying afloat,

even when I drown in my past

fighting the waves,

uncertain of my future

and fearing the things that make me whole,

that make me human

because the same things that glue me together

are also tearing me apart...

I am here world

look at me,

even though I'm broken

I'm still here...

caring,

loving,

feeling,

I am part of a bigger plan

that I do not comprehend,

slowly filling in the gaps

and always looking for clues

I am here world

still here,

still smiling,

carrying a heart

capable of fitting

all of this hot mess...

I am here world, here I am...

I heard a French horn in the great hall

Footsteps echo through the stairs

As imagined bouncing balls scrap against the gong

Oh the waves! Oh the waves!

The unsettling liquid air that itches your sides

Suddenly wondering what if I were to die!

IN a sudden fit of loneliness and despair!

Wailing, Fucking, Screaming

EACH OTHER!

Now here that piano descending pattern

From the Journey song of a similar name as three lines before

Crying, Sobbing, Throbbing

Violent Depression and Melancholy Hyperactivity

"Hold your own.

Know your name.

And go your own way...

...and everything will be fine."

***

One of my favorites. Beautiful.

Moonlight wades

in knee high boots

through darkened

life images

casting spidered webs

of broken shadows.

I open my mouth

and swallow it whole

as screams slip through

my fingers, puddling

fitfully on the floor.

I shout the truths

never uttered

in daylight, while

the past sleeps

in my bed

in tangled sheets.

My night

is wide awake

opening jaws

in sucking sounds.

I hang

from bare threads

listening

to the drip, drip, drip

of black blood water,

drilling into my mind,

a torture filling

the night hours,

slowly squeezing

me into oblivion.

I close my

ponderous eyes

with the dawning

realization that

I am not ready

to go yet,

pulling the clouds

with both hands

roughly

from my mind.

#MidnightMonologues #slippingThrough