they say that you aren't supposed to be scared of your family. 

they also say that they are supposed to be there for you;

protect you from harm;

make you happy..for the most part.

what no one ever tells you is that sometimes your family will hurt you. 

they never tell you that your mom will choose drugs and grown men over her own kid.

they never tell you that parents aren't always faithful.

they talk about splitting up but they never talk about never seeing them again.

no one will ever tell you that even though they are family,

even though they are supposed to protect you

they can cause so much damage you can become irreparable.

I remember the day so vividly.

so young.

it circles in my head over and over and every time I close my eyes I see him.

I hear his demands.

I hear the roughness in his voice. 

We were on a camping trip.

A family camping trip.

and then we disappeared into the forest to walk the dog. 

we didn't walk the dog and I was the only one who knew that.

two years later;

everyone found out we didn't walk the dog.

I wasn't the only one. 

I want to scream.

So loud, that the whole world would listen.

Listen to the void in my chest.

Feel the ache in my heart.

Drench in the tears I shed.

So loud, that your ice cold heart would hear a crack.

So loud, that your demons would cry.

Maybe you’ll realize how much it hurts.

Maybe you’ll want to take away my pain.

Maybe you’ll understand the depths I’ve dived into.

Maybe you’ll come back.

Maybe.

But I don’t scream that loud.

I can’t.

Instead.

I plug in earphones.

Listen to your songs.

And pretend I’m doing just fine.

When even the moon is not listening to your midnight cries

When you can't bring yourself to cry out loud

Because sobs are meant to draw sympathy from anyone

And you have no such luxury

When you start to feel the warmth of loving hands wrap around your torso

Only to grab for them

And find no one

But the cold reality of a dream

Long faded into the back of your mind

When you are so tired that you can't bear to go to sleep

Afraid of never waking up

Afraid of enjoying the refuge too much

When you are cynical

Scowling at the laughing flowers

Snickering at the chattering birds

Glaring at love through a hatred-stained window

Until happiness is not something embraced

But something ignored

Neglected

Lovely on paper but lost in practice

When candy covered fingers reach inside to rip out your heart

Breaking glass in your chest

When no one could hear you scream

When there is nowhere left to go