On the inside, staring out with a head that is fogged and full of doubt,

They preach ‘It’s okay, we are all here together’

But we need to remember, not everywhere has this stormy weather

The glistening rainbow on the wall of the bubble

Makes the outside look inviting, an oasis from this desolate rubble,

It’s easy to forget that the clock ticks on,

and the pages of the calendar get ripped off, one by one

But in here it is safe, it is clean and hygienic, and we don’t have to check-in

It’s home, it’s the known, I can feel it,

But the outside comes inside, and an itch starts to form, on the wall,

Of my now-red, bruised brain, and my confident barrier falls

And no matter how many of those sticks infiltrate my brain,

Or those distasteful foam lollypops take to my mouth and make it drain,

No matter how many times I get told it’s okay, it’s not real, you would feel it,

It’s all in your head, it’s impregnated my senses, and I’m senseless, and I reel from it

It’s okay now, sure, but it’s a matter of time, because like a hound it’s hunting us down,

One by one we succumb, knocked down, found, we’re one of the infected now

And I’m starting to forget what it felt like before, no crosses marked on the floor,

No suffocating covers that take our voices, making each of us just like the person before

Life will never be the same, this pain cannot be washed away by the rain,

All we can do is hope for a new day, with the suns blistering heat burning away the pain,

Making way for the new day, one where we all get to play, and run, and grow

With the faint memory of innocence that this generation will never get to know.

Am I the problem? Am I the variable in an otherwise clear cut scenario? I try to make my heart known but somehow that makes the fear grow.

Am I the problem? Am I giving too much away? Falling for everything even though I stand for so much, with just a touch, or a whisper it fades.

Am I the problem? Am I driving the crowd? Is my pitch fork higher, sharper, am I yelling too loud? Am I drowning them out, the voices so silent, am I supposed to hear more than them all? Should I just know? Is that’s what’s expected, is that what I’ve shown?

I am the problem, I feel to real and I can’t seem to deal when the truth is revealed I just heel.

I don’t walk ahead.

I don’t stand with pride.

I step aside. And I break. With every hit that I take from each grass covered snake. The poison will spread, to my head, so I retreat to my bed and I write, with my pen I take flight I won’t stand to fight because the past has displayed that it only leads to pain.

And I pray that the snake finds it peace because that’s who I am. I don’t wish for its end or it’s night or it’s passing, I’m just asking for peace within and without because it’s karma I’m banking and I’m to weak to be plotting, the poison is knotting it’s way through my soul, my goal is convoluted. The plan was executed, perfectly.

And now as I fade into yet another heartbroken haze when the snake has betrayed yet another new phase, I know I’m the problem, in so many ways.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of lockdown.

I’m tired of feeling overwhelmed.

I’m tired of worrying about Covid.

I’m tired of feeling too many things at once.

I’m tired of online uni.

I’m tired of feeling guilty that online schooling isn’t happening with my boys.

I’m tired of trying my best and failing to meet the mark.

I’m tired long days and long nights.

I’m tired of being scared to leave the house.

I know that others have it worse. I know how lucky I am. I am grateful that we have each other and we have our health.

But I’m tired.

In the eye of the storm

I realise, my mind is closed, heart open wide

Don’t remember the journey

Just the temptation, one quick jolt, no hesitation

Why wouldn’t I? What’s to stop me?

I know, I know, there’s three that need me

Selfish thoughts, pushed aside

But I can’t hide, the pit inside

First I falter, then I fall, down this never ending hall, It’s amazing that I breathe at all

Each time harder than the last

Each pastime never in the past, I suck the air in shallow and fast

A thick black mark, dark, stains my brain, darts across my heart, it thrives on pain, drives on, growing strong, hidden in a sad song

The smile goes on

Authentically plastic

Stand up quick, tell them you were just sick

Each day until the next day

Night fades away, the hurt stays and I pray

And the scars

The scars built from shame,

Dulling the flame, suffocating my brain

But today, today is another day

A new day, not a blue day

Because I took a pill today

And so I change.

Head up

Shoulders back

Wipe tears

Don’t feel that

Suck it up

You said yes

Just ignore

The tightening chest

You’ve got this

Day by day

You’ve had kids now

Too late, just stay

Best friend

That’s still true

Don’t lie now...

“Yeah I’m happy too”

Damn it.

External confidence

Internal fear

No one knows

Except those who are near

Expecting love

Receiving less

They won’t listen

There’s no need to confess

Fading strength

Depleted health

Missed opportunities

Losing yourself

Always listening

Never heard

So much is said

Without saying a word

It’s time to stand up

To raise your head high

To loosen the shackles

At last you must fly

Abused and unused

Your wings may be weak

Never fear, I will carry you

And be your voice when you speak

Never again

Will we be apart

Because you may not know it

But you have a piece of my heart

Sluggish movement

Body and mind

A healthy soul

Left far behind

Frightful future

Decision made

Time for change

Prepare the blade

Knocked out

A piece removed

Groggy thoughts

Life improved

Weight lost

Sanity gained

Feeling good

Brain unchained

Free to show

The inside out

Put to rest

The years of doubt

Finally real

Show colours true

Nothing compares

To the authentic you

Early start

Nothing new

Someone's crying

I smell poo

Bottle made

Toast has popped

Two are fighting

Milk was dropped

Toy tub emptied

Coffee: hot

One screams out

They're stuck in the cot

Load of laundry

Washed and dried

Coffee: warm

Kids are outside

Time to sit down

Coffee: lukewarm

Heading out back

To watch monkeys perform

Finally sitting

Hope peeking through

Coffee: ice cold

Damn I smell poo

There once lived a dragon

Big and blue

He swam in the water

He was forty two

He lived in a castle

With lots of windows and stairs

And he ate lots of watermelon,

Apples and pears

He didn't have friends

And he felt sad

No one wanted to play

Because he shot fire when he was mad

But then all of a sudden

One bright sunny day

A young man named Toby

Came over to play

They played with some kittens

And they played with some dogs

And some rabbits and elephants

And even some frogs

At the end of the day

The sun started to set

It was a friendship so special

That they'd never forget

By Marky and Mummy

My four year old and I were talking about rhyming words and he decided he wanted to write. A poem together. He made all the decisions about where the story would go, and helped me find rhyming words.

She's beautiful, radiant, hair flowing free

Bright happy lipstick, skirt above the knee

Her smile is wide and her eyes sparkle bright

and her laugh is infectious, bubbly and light

But hidden behind her guise set so well

Her soul and her brain are trapped in their hell

The darkness takes hold and the fog rolls in fast

She questions how long this blackout will last

She takes a deep breath and hopes for the best

It feels like a black hole laying deep in her chest

It's constant, the feeling of not being enough

And she's terrified of somebody calling her bluff

She thinks she's alone, not deserving of love

Family and friends she feels unworthy of

She has no idea what others can see

How much they hope that one day she is free

She's caring and strong and funny and smart

She's wise and she's loving and she has a pure heart

One day she may find her, that girl they all know

Until then they remind her and watch as she grows