Will we ever be friends again?

I doubt it

She's staying

Which means no hanging out

She gets jealous

And overprotective

So we can't hang out

I feel like crying

Knowing that I'll never

Get one of my best friends back

All because

She doesn't want it to happen

Because she doesn't like me

And it is too controlling

And because you

Let it happen

We text

But there is something

That happened between us

That no amount of texting will ever fix

No matter how hard we try

We can't show the pain through a screen

I don't think you realize

How much it hurts

To know that we will never

Watch a movie together

Take a walk together

Talk in person

Again

At least not while

You two are together

I miss the small things

Like texting after

A long day

And laying around

Watching a movie

Or petting my dog

And talking

God, how I miss it

I know you want to fix things

And I know

That we are both trying

But answer me this

Will we ever be friends again?

Here I am again

At 3 in the morning

With all these thoughts

Running through my head

About him

About the guy at work

About them

Wondering how I got to this position

Where I keep my mouth shut

Don't tell anyone

Because who can put it into words?

This emptiness I feel when I see him

The terrified feeling when I think about seeing him at work again

The feeling of hopelessness when I found out she's staying

How I know I'll never get my friend back

It's 3 AM

And the wheels are still turning

The thoughts are still going

I need to sleep

But it's not happening

6 days

144 hours

8,640 minutes

518,400 seconds

That's all we have

Until he moves

Until we split up

Until we go to a different school

Until we get a break

Until we start our jobs

Until we lose contact

Until we break promises to do more things together

Until we are done

I'm not prepared

Neither are they

Only one is

And God I wish I was them

I'm not ready to lose my friends

I'm not ready for everything to change

Why can't time just stop for a moment

So I can look around and say

"I love all of you just the way you are"

Why can't we stop growing up

Just long enough to lose ourselves

In the fun we have with each other

I'm not prepared for all of those

Good times we had together

To be just spider infested memories

I don't want to lose any of them

I want time to stop

I'm not ready for these 6 days to pass

I'm not prepared to be a memory

To them and for them

To be a memory to me

We talked yesterday

I was more open with you 

Than I have been in months

I said I wanted to be friends

But wasn't sure if that's what you wanted 

I said I wasn't going to force you

To do something

You didn't want to do

You wanted me to accept your friendship

You asked "Are you going to be happy 

Or not?"

I said I'm learning

To be happy on my own

To not let my happiness depend on others

I'd love to be your friend

You are an amazing person

Who I want in my life

But not by force

It all used to be so easy

Like water flowing down a river

But now that water is a square

And the river a circle that the square 

Cannot fit through no matter how you push

It was so much easier when we weren't broken

Before we broke each other

But I started fixing myself

While you got worse

And now I will fix us both

As I've done many times

And will keep doing

Until we are both repaired

Because we are friends

And that's what friends are for

I'm sorry

For hurting them

For letting him hurt me

For being a train wreck

For never saying anything

For saying too much

For being sensitive

I apologize to

E.K. For saying yes

M.P. For not telling you much

M.W. For making you think something that wasn't true

D.C and A.S. For hurting you

T.S. For causing trouble

J.S. For not doing band

C.S., P.S., Z.S., and M.S. For being annoying

L.R. For not being enough

I regret

Never saying what I thought

Never asking questions

Never meeting expectations

Always forgetting

Always being upset

Always breaking promises

Please accept my apology

I truly mean it

There are so many others that I want to apologize to

But I wanted to start with you guys

She stays silent.

Because it's easier.

How is she to explain something

She doesn't understand?

Something that doesn't make sense to her.

Because it's smarter.

She won't sound like an idiot.

Trying to explain something she doesn't understand.

Because it's saving them.

She loves them

And doesn't want to see them hurt

She doesn't want to pass along the pain

Because it's less trouble.

She won't sit there

Trying to get their attention

And when she finally does

They sound annoyed.

Or if she doesn't

She gives up

Knowing she's not important

Because it's better.

For them.

They won't have to deal with

The annoying

Sensitive

Stupid

Girl

Because it doesn't matter.

She's not important

So why should it?

They ignore her daily

And she knows it

She knows she's not important to them

But they're important to her

So she will always be there to pick them up

Even if they aren't there for her

She will be there when they're broken-hearted

She'll be there when they are feeling down

She will be there when they don't have the will to go on

Even if she isn't there for the good times

They have with others

She will always be there

Because she cares

I wanted to

But I didn't

I've been in a mood

For a couple days now

Only a couple have noticed

The change in my mood

I don't know how

To explain my mood

Or what causes it

I just get in a mood

It's like when

You just don't feel up to anything

You want time to stop

You want everything to slow down

In 14 days

I'll be in a different school

In 14 days

He may be gone

In 14 days

My life will change

In 14 days

We will be separated

In 14 days

We will stop talking as much

In 14 days

I don't know what I'll do

I'm scared for those 14 days to pass

I don't want change

I know I should embrace it

But it's all too much

Maybe what's waiting

At the end

Of the 14 days

Is what is causing my mood

I need to find it again

Find myself again

Learn 

When I've had too much

When I need to stop

When to make them stop

How to make myself happy

Before he came along,

I was able to be happy for myself

Now I don't even know

What makes me happy

I need relearn

Relearn it all

And I will

Just give me some time

And I will be able 

To be happy for myself

It was yellow

A yellow day

Until they said it

And made it gray

The sky turned dark 

And the flowers rotted

They all saw it

But away they trotted

The classroom was white

But quickly turned black

I know they noticed

But nobody tried to turn it back

It was yellow

A yellow day

Until they said it

And made it gray