here’s to those unappreciated souls

that know just how heavy alone really is.

to those nights spent out of focus

blurred by shots of whiskey

chased with self-contempt.

to those days spent lost

in the labyrinth of one’s own thoughts

at times a blessing

at times a curse.

and to those legs that won’t stop running

from what we fear

from what we love

from everything.

because eventually

you will get tired of being numb.

you will get tired of doing

people and things you regret.

you will get tired of drowning in your own thoughts.

you will get tired of leaving.

and you will take a chance

or a few

or too many.

and you will get fucked

again

and start over from the top once more.

or

you won’t

and you will be ok.

for the first time

you will be ok.

define love

is it smiles exchanged and crushes denied

on the playground beneath cloudless skies

running away to giggle and hide

is that love?

define love

is it being stuffed in a pleather seat

as the bus bumps down the street

his smile crooked as his teeth

jostled jumbled and almost free

is that love?

define love

is it the crunch of autumn leaves

crumbling beneath trudging feet

as your hands almost nearly meet

and his voice you can feel tingling

midnight whispered phone calls ringing

is that love?

define love

is it miles apart in the middle of the night

recounting memories

is it fight or flight

for a future somehow combined

is that love?

define love

is it three years of promises

naked bodies and common knowledge

everything that hurts forgotten

comfort when you're feeling rotten

is that love?

define love

is it the pen and ink

straining your every exhale

staining your entrails

seeping through pores like rainwater set to boil

is that love?

because if it's not I don't know what is

and if I'm lost then I don't know where I live

because this is home and your arms are bliss

show me truly what love is

Dear me,

It’s me. Yeah, you. We’re the same person; one in the same, for all eternity, and we always will be.

I just found out we’re dying in a day, so I thought I’d leave you some 88-year-old advice to find... Hopefully find, that is.

Here goes.

1. Appreciate your life. Stop hating it. It really will get better, but with time. It’s like wine. Take a sip of your life and love it like a nice aged bottle of merlot or something. You’ll find this out soon, hopefully, and when you do you’ll find a way to love everything handed to you even more than you did before.

2. Start trying in school. You’ve got two years of high school left, so make them count. Stop slacking off and thinking you’ll do fine if you don’t study. Start studying and start keeping track of your assignments. College will be hell on earth without this skill.

3. Start raising money now! If you start raising money now, at 16, you’ll likely gather how much you need to get that damned novel published by the end of senior year, which was your goal. Get your job, and save a portion of the paycheck each time you get it. Put it into a banking account, and don’t touch the account until you’re 18!

4. Keep writing. If you stop now, you’ll never achieve your goals, and that’s a crappy thing to bestow unto yourself.

5. Keep your mind open. There’s always a new possibility or a new way of doing something, you just haven’t found it yet.

6. STOP MAKING LISTS!

Good luck. I’m not going to tell you what age I am now. That’s up to you to figure out.

Again, good luck.

I love how much of a bitch you are right now.

Something you need to know immediately: you’re not special. Stop thinking you’re above everyone, you pretentious shit. Being different is great, but you’re trying too hard.

I know you like making life hard, and you say you enjoy stress, but those things come out of your mouth because you were spoon fed since birth. Wait a few more years, shits about to get real. You’ll be addicted to crying (the part where you quietly sniffle towards the end is your favorite), suicide becomes an option ( your 2nd attempt is the funniest), but when you come across the secret to living a decent life, you’ll be fine.

A few things:

Stop buying lottery tickets; you have a better chance of dying choking on your breakfast.

You’re in a relationship, right? She cheats on you, bud.

Stop being so nosy. Peoples lives are boring, just like yours.

Apologize for the shit you’ve done, even if you don’t want to. Stop your addictions now, even if you don’t think its possible. And tell your dad you love him before he’s gone, even if you don’t understand it.

Live longer than me, punk.

I'm standing in a room full of the people I love. I reach out to talk to someone, but they don't acknowledge me. I turn to try someone else, but they do the same. I scream too get someone's, anyone's attention, but no one looks up. I catch a glint from the mirror and realize that I'm not in it. No one notices that I am not there. I fall too my knees, "Have they all forgotten me".

I’ve come to a crossroads. One that I knew I would have to face someday.But I always thought I would be ready for it. Such confidence, such certainty, seems no where to be found, now that I’ve reached this turning point. I’ve let myself and those I care about down in ways I never could have imagined. Not because I wanted to, but I woke up one morning and realized that I just did. But then again, maybe it’s because I was so sure about which path I would take when the time arrived. Now that it has, I’m not sure if my past desires are in harmony with those of my present. And that scares me. Maybe I should pick a different path, one that my heart yearns for. One that I could do justice to. But then again, I wonder if that would be the safest thing to do. I've reached my most awaited crossroads, and I’m not sure which way I’d like to go.

She's gone, and I'm here.

In my sorrow I now walk.

From this pain grows fear.

Emotions rage like a storm.

She was beautiful.

Why didn't she believe it?

She felt pitiful.

So she looked down the barrel.

Uncertainty grows.

And time just seems to stand still.

Eternity slows.

And I am left so broken.