this was never for you

no, this was a letter in passing

maybe for me,

maybe for them.

never for you,

you took everything i had

never said you wanted more

but i will not give you this

these are my words, for me

these are my words, for them,

never for you.

i never thought our paths

would cross again

no, then it seemed too good

too good to be true

i never wanted our paths

to part in the first place

but who am i to get what i want

they say that trust is a patient heart

head full of doubt

i second guess

over and over

again

and it consumes me now

i'm afraid i'm not who

i had hoped i would be

i'm afraid i'm not who

you knew me to be

but i never expected you change

and i never expected you to be the same

the ghost of your breath

still hits my skin

like the wind gusts

over the ocean,

it hits the body of

water like my heart beats

to pump blood.

and i feel without

feeling

i breathe without

being alive

and it's exhausting.

i remember every footstep

of every path, i've taken

how it lead me here

to this place, to you.

and in my sleep,

when i'm not really resting.

it haunts me.

i read and reread

my own words

but they all feel so foreign

in my head in my heart

this is an art i never

truly mastered, nor do i think i will ever

with my head full of doubt

of myself, of what i feel

i get lost in these letters,

i want to write like him

and i want to recite like him

will they ever know of my desires?

will i ever tell them how they’ve

moved mountains, no

how they’ve moved my entire world.

in such a simplistic chaos

they matter

my heart is filling with trust

after so long of it being a causation of its ruins

does that signify patience?

of myself, i do not know.

nor do i think i will ever know.

i know there's a forest in your

head.

and you get lost in the dark

depths.

you can't find the road to

safety,

and you can't find your

way home.

it's always sunny,

and you hate it.

because you're so numb,

from the cold.

and the light,

it's teasing you.

taunting you.

while your thoughts

are doing nothing

but haunting you.

even when you find

a meadow of flowers

and of warm sunlight.

it's a patch of good,

of okay,

in an ocean of bad

and you feel like you're

drowning,

when the ocean breeze

floats through the trees.

you know the ones in the

forest of your thoughts.

but what you didn't know

is that all along

the wind was your compass

and where the sunlight

came from, that was

your northern star

and it guides you.

it guides you, for me

it guides you back to

the place you feel comfortable

calling home

and it guides you

to the ones who you hold

close to your heart,

and i welcome you

with open arms.

never thought that i'd be here,

in this position.

never thought that was an option.

hearing people ask me,

"don't you want the future you deserve?"

i have to tell them that,

it's not that i don't think i deserve it,

i think that i'm not good for my future.

i mean what would we be

without each other,

just a mere fraction

of the person we are now;

or is it entirely possible that

we’d still be who we are now.

the thing is, i don’t want to know

what it is to not know you.

you’ve managed to find your

way into my world you shook

things up so that up was down,

and left was right and it seems

to make sense all this irrationality.

it’s illogical for me to make way

in all this disorder,

adding chaos to an already

chaotic mind, and yet i crave it.

falling for you was like

falling into outer space.

the immense void of beauty

and greatness, so expansive

and carefree. it’s almost like

i’m addicted to the lack of oxygen

i need to survive,

you seem to provide something else

and i’m not sure if it’s

good or bad,

but i love it nonetheless.

but you see, i’m afraid of

falling like i’ve fallen before

but against the laws

of science, i’m absolutely

drowning in your eyes

falling in an endless whirlpool

of the emotions you make me feel

it’s a love-hate thing and

it’s beautiful really.

it’s nothing but chaos in

my brain, i’m afraid.

but that’s only for what

i feel for you.

you’re my life line,

and that drives me

to swim ashore.

so you're over there,

just across the room

not that far away

it feels like forever,

but when your eyes

meet mine; time stops.

a continuing, pausing and

playing so that my

heart's broken beats begin

to create an uneven

melody, to soothe the

cracks and fractures of

my brain. telling you

not to give up.

it's important.

but why is it important?

because i don't want to forget.

but isn't that what's making you hurt...?

you wouldn't understand, it's illogical, irrational.

you could understand the concept...

but it wouldn't be the same...

for me to understand the concept, wouldn't it?

if you're asking these questions now, 

then you should know your answer.

it's raining, i'm in the car.

i remember the night i told you.

the night i told you how i really felt.

i remember the afternoon you told me.

the afternoon you broke my heart.

i remember the night you kissed me.

the night i knew you couldn't mean what you said.

i remember the night i started feeling things.

the night we went to dinner.

i still have the receipt.

i remember it all.

and it all breaks my heart.

but we were nothing more,

then these cars passing by.

i remember that mid-november day.

remember the day you told her,

through written word.

i remember her asking me,

on what she should do.

i told her "you should go

for it if he makes you happy."

though i saw the hesitation

in her eyes.

but if i knew you then,

i would have said 

something else to spare 

your heart.

i noticed when the two of you, 

would plan for

time together, you 

would invest your all

and she would go along.

i noticed most of the time,

you were precise and cautious, 

when she would be reckless

and carefree.

she took for granted what, 

you gave of yourself.

i remember this other time,

maybe i shouldn't even tell you, 

you deserve to know, though.

i remember when we went

to the art museum, as the two

of you looked at the pieces

on the walls, they had stories.

like the one you both have.

but i saw it then, i saw how 

you should have been cared for.

i saw how you should have

been loved. 

and if i knew you then, as i

know you now.

i would have told her that;

all people with broken hearts,

should be admired like

the art on the walls of the

museums, especially if the 

owner of the broken heart

is an artist himself.