Organized religion. A club that claims to have all the answers. Who will indignantly and often judgmentally stand by their dogma even at the peril of human life. I am spiritual. I was raised a Christian and converted to Judaism 17 years ago. I identify as a Jew. I would not however, claim to be certain that my "club/tribe" is the be all end all. I am intelligent enough to know that perhaps some of what I am told is an absolute...is in fact, not!

I despise religions whose "club" rules allow and encourage arrogance and elitist.

Long ago I allowed my common sense, and my heart to guide me. That is when I transcended "religion" and the club rules. I allowed true spirituality and personal connection to my higher power be a louder divining rod in my daily life.

I think of the Carl Sagan quote: "Atheism is very, very stupid." Carl Sagan himself was an agnostic. He was so scientific and rational he knew that blind faith is just as foolish and illogical as blind disbelief. Personally, I believe in God - but I acknowledge that I don't KNOW God exists. I acknowledge the logical impossibility for me to know God exists just as the logical impossibility for anyone to claim they "know" God doesn't exist. Humility - especially intellectual humility - matters. Which is why I have righteously negative feelings when I hear the word "atheism." To me, it signifies just as much ignorance and arrogance as signifies fundamentalism.

I want to scream in denial of this accusation

flaw-filled and heavy-hearted

perfection is an expectation

I am unable to live up to

after years of being the role-model

the two dimensional representation of a girl you made up to replace me

I am determined to be broken

and maybe one day you will see me as human

flawed bruised and still standing

but barely

Love.

What exactly is love. Love brings heartache and despair. To others love is ok...it's great..it's beautiful... But that's only if your love has strings attached. Love is wrong if others feel it isn't right. How do one control this outrageous feeling that constantly consumes your mind day and night. Trying to "unlove" someone in fear of being bashed by others. Wanting and longing for freedom you so desperately need but not receiving it because your mind, heart, body, and soul is "in love" how was love ever considered a positive thing!?

"You're romanticizing it," says my mother. But what if I'm not? What if I know the dangers ahead of my life? What if the only thing keeping me from falling was "romanticizing" it?

I'm scared of the world that I will soon enter. I know that out there - where people pay taxes and work and fall - life is nowhere easy. There will be no one to hold your hand, tell you what to do, or how to succeed. I know that my fantasies won't play out like I want to.

But have you, mother, ever thought that I see and think the way I do because it's the only thing keeping me going? Have you ever thought that I can't sleep sometimes because I'm terrified that I'll fail and end up sleeping on the streets?

I don't know your mind and you don't know mind. So please, don't say that word. Don't say it... Don't deride me.