Expectations
I like to talk
to anyone who'll listen
so long as they
are my only listeners.
My talking shines
in small groups of two or three.
In a large group
I shut down, hiding away
from anyone
who wants to force me to talk.
Many people
tell me that I should be more
social, more loud,
more enthusiastic, but
I don't want to
exhaust myself for what they
declare is the
"correct" way to live my life.
Why is it that
they tell introverts to talk
more, and louder,
to be more assertive, to
stand up against
overbearing extroverts,
to become more
social, more -- extroverted?
Why is it that
no one tells extroverts to
shut the hell up
and let us live in peace, to
leave us alone
with our thoughts so we can read
or write, or paint
or whatever gives us peace?
Why is it that
we must change to suit standards
not designed to
leave space for us to exist
in the forms in
which we are comfortable?
Why are we wrong
by social standards set by
those who whisper
louder than we even shout?
Are we to be
considered wrong just because
we're too quiet
to fight them in a battle
of volume when
we could easily defeat
them if we fought
with only the words we write?
They push us past
the limits that we have set
in place for our
own safety without asking
whether we can
survive the fall like they can.
Even those who
know our limits and respect
our choices still
expect that we will try to
change to fit their
view of how interactions
should flow and move,
and when we change and talk the
way that they want,
the way that they expect, they
believe that we
agree with them and now find
energy and joy
in the same acts and places
that they always
have and will force us into.
Just because I
enjoyed junior prom despite
the noise and lights
does not mean I want to go
with you to more
noisy places where I can't
hear myself think.
I will accompany you
to a place where
I am uncomfortable
because I am
willing to let you push me
outside the lines
of my comfort zone, just once.
But in return
I want you to spend some time
in a bookstore
or reading quietly what
I have written
so that you can understand
some of what I
feel when you drag me out: when
you feel stifled
by the circumstances, know
that is how I
feel when you take me to a
place where I am
expected to interact
courteously.
New Math
The sum of me does not add up.
The blonde swish and the carefree laugh
Does not portray the darkness
Squirreled away inside me every day.
An extrovert, it had been firmly decided,
And I didn't want to let my labelers down.
Only tragedy could upend this decree,
A shock to my entire state of being,
And I broke my shackles,
As pain set me free.
A self imposed introvert,
I studied hard for the role.
To thrive I ran, without looking back,
To escape the me that had been created,
By everyone I'd ever known.
I became an expert in my field,
And reveled in the freedom and joy
of the solitude I treasured,
Marveled in the enjoyment I took
In my unpopular preference
To distance myself from the crowd.
But my stun has dwindled to an ache,
Time has dwindled by bravery away.
And once again,
I smile for the world,
And the world in turn,
Misunderstands me,
Doesn't think to look into me,
The rays of light blinding them
And defining me.
Nightmare
Dreams of soft black nightmares,
Bring me out of hiding.
Are you going down below?
Or staying far behind me?
I’m friends with shadowed figures,
They walk in time to find thee.
I’m searching for my dream come true,
He’s fairytales unwinding.
Queens and kings they sit on high,
And watch for prince and army.
Are they coming home for good?
Or sadly never retiring?
Sadness spreads like falling leaves,
It’s deep and black and scaring.
Do not let it in your heart.
So please just keep on charging.