It's seven o clock. I'm pacing around the doorway of my room, rambling off to my friend about the one eyed dog who ate Russian olives like a curious house cat. At first I can't tell if that lightheaded energy in my chest is a side effect of my enthusiasm or a symptom of something else. When I go to the kitchen my entire body is sprouting in light convulsion. My hands shake a bit when I put them in front of me, but my stomach isn't growling despite all of this. I haven't eaten since lunch, seven hours. I'm not starving, I've just got the shakes. That confusion your body gets when it misses its scheduled meal for a few hours too long after little to no physical activity. The stomach wants something, but doesn't know what it is. In turn, it sends a nebulous message to the brain to have the whole system sputter. The shakes are generally calmed down by frozen pad tai and a slice of pretzel bread. It all feels not needed, but the digestion wants it. The lack of work confuses it.

Can I just say... Have you ever seen a donut? I always pity those things. They look so damn normal but you find they're not a whole. This huge chunk in the middle's ripped right out in a perfect circle and there's not a damn thing any of them could do about it. Well, I feel like a donut right now, all hollow and missing some important piece, friend. I'm missing a little extra to fill me up good and proper, a nice warm round pastry without empty insides. And I'm not asking for much, really I'm not. Just a bit of sustenance, sustenance of any filling kind... Be a dear and help me with a dozen of those forever-gutted baked goods, I... I just want to help.

Find me yelling

'Enough is not enough'

Even though I just had an offering

Don't stop giving my life is too rough

Mindfulness doesn't matter

Expense doesn't matter I just don't care

Gulping, chewing just swallow

Love it, hate it, who cares

Underneath my stomach wallows

Too much

Too much

Oh no, I'll just devour

Now is not the time to end

You have to keep me full

There is a deeply rooted need within my soul

A longing for something of creative sustenance

To fill the void created by the residing ache

That permeates throughout my being

I thirst for so much more than what is tangible

The ever encroaching desire and need

Wraps me in a thinly guised veil of longing

With no foreseeable end in sight

The universe laughs, taunts, and mocks me

Telling me my thirst may never be slaked

Nor shall my deep desires be quenched

Despite the many years I walk upon this earth

Oh let me see all I can see with eyes wide open

Whilst my heart is fully ready to embrace the beauty

Don’t make me wait for manifested dreams

But feed me hope with every breath I breathe

Pray, let me soar above the mountains

And partake of all I can to sustain my soul

As I embark upon the paths yet unknown

Until at long last, I take my final bow

I.

I am...

Being ravaged.

Within my center, stabbing at my abdomen deceptively dull knives fileting my flesh no more than fish cutlets.

The metaphor makes me drool.

My thoughts no longer my own.

Ravage. Kill.

I want...

If I could I would ravage you. Kill you, tear you to pieces.

You who submits are my beloved, so silky and smooth and sweet in my mouth.

You who resists me, who impedes me earns my primal, virile hate.

So then, let us begin.

"DAMN IT!"

You sit there so smug and sublime.

My suffering reaching a fever pitch.

Near to my knees.

"Just bend! HOW DO I OPEN YOU!"

The package of donuts tore spilling two upon the floor.

Everywhere I look, it's there, calling me.

I feel energy draining from my body while

my ten track mind is twisting and turning.

My head hurts and I am irritated and tired.

But I had a donut yesterday

So when I look in the mirror,

I see an 80 pound girl weighed down,

Weighed down by a ton of thoughts about her body.

I look around, again, at all my friends .

They're shoveling pizza down their throats, laughing and talking

And all I do is worry about the calories as my being slowly shuts down.

Though round, my stomach feels as though it had been gutted

it's straining for anything

Anything to get it's form back

Remnants of what I had I now lack

I only taste a metallic and nearly animal taste surging within my throat

As the edges of my gums become a gnarly moat

Every creature and plant before me

Becomes some sort of unexplained delicacy

If, while over come by this, I run free

A deprived being loses any sense of standards

And without that uniform, our bodies are slandered

Running maniacally till one's energy is hammered

I'm getting off track, I reckon

I've a rabbit to beckon