Achilles heel
You can exist without me, but I don't think I could live without you. Truly.
I could bear losing a lot of things, money, jobs, lovers, friends, family, but a world without you just would not be worth sticking around.
So far, you have been with me through all my heartaches, changes and tribulations. No matter how far from home I wander - I can always find you. In the kitchen, on the balcony, in bed.
So comforting and warm, you dull the sharp edges of life, you soothe and cradle my sore mind.
I couldn't live without hot tea.
By myself
Why do I feel most alone
In the company of other people?
In a crowded room
Or bustling hall
Or on the couch with my lover
Now that no-one is around
It's different, it is merely the absence of people
Their noise and their smells
Their clothes and words
Their warmth and their coldness
But with them I feel
the void yawn before me
Inky, cold darkness
Filled with spiky things
And jagged feelings
I feel how I am different
Like my brain is strangely wired
Like all the words are beating at the door
Growling to be set forth
To do their wicked work
People make me unquiet
And yet I crave them
The mess, the warmth
The conversation, the drama
The many different smells
I crave them and yet
The sweetest moment is when
I leave, or they do
And serenity returns
To my private garden
Then I am alone
With the tangle of my thoughts
Which are sometimes wild
And violent
Maybe they kick and bite
But they are mine
No someone else's
My pain, my doubt
My own loathing
All my own
To be alone can be torture
Or it can be blissful peace
The absence of ripples
On the pond of my psyche
Perhaps, some days - even solitude
Chainsaw Charlie
Pressure, I remember the pressure
Hard day at work
Pivotal moment
Everything riding on me
Or so it felt
I became fixated on biscuits
Somehow, if there were biscuits
The inspector would soften his gaze
And we would pass the test
So, being in the Netherlands
I jumped on my bike with shopping bags
And rode hard to the store
Sweat beading on my brow
My tired legs aching
I bought all the biscuits
The chocolately ones
crumbly ones, gingernuts
Coconut ones, iced ones
Plain ones, ones for dunking in coffee
Jam ones, soft ones
I spent all my money
Filled three shopping bags
Which strained at the handles
And then as I was walking out the door
One final temptation
Hot, fried, sugared doughballs
I bought four dozen
The heaved it all to my bike
Handles on handlebars
But things kept slipping
I kept falling over
There was too much weight and
Not enough momentum
I grazed my knee
I bruised my thigh
I crushed some biscuits
And eventually sank to the concrete path
Utterly defeated
Then the thoughts came thick and fast
Each one a dagger tipped with poison
If we failed it would be my fault
I was useless, pathetic
I didn't belong
It had all been for nothing
The tears stung my eyes
My tears were hot with shame
My stomach tight with misery
At my many inadequacies
Finally, I reached for my phone
And dialled my boss
My voice was thick with feelings
'I need help' - the hardest three words
I have ever spoken, hung in the air
I waited for her withering judgement
Instead, 'that's OK, we all need help sometimes,
Sit tight and I'll send someone'
The line went dead and I wilted
With shame, with relief
Panic still dancing at the edges
Of my frayed consciousness
The minutes dripped past
Each more painful as the last
Each leading me down a path
Of certain failure, of having let everyone down
Until - there he was
My hero. Chainsaw Charlie
His brawny arms swinging
As he strode across the carpark
In slow motion - a smile on his face
Like the world wasn't really about to end
He grabbed the bags up
With very little effort
And I forlornly followed him
Back to the speed boat
Where he stowed my bike
Started the engine
And with a steady hand
Took us back to work
Eager hands unloaded the bags of biscuits
And I set them upon three silver platters
With a hot pot of coffee
And a relieved smile
The inspector wolfed them down
And we passed the test
We didn't fail
I didn't let everyone down
The biscuits did their magic
Everything was OK
That night, I sobbed into my pillow
But there was a faint smile
At the edges of my mouth
When I pictured Chainsaw Charlie
Arms in full swing
Striding across the carpark
My hero
The Critic
She gives me that look
You know the one?
Like I'm worth nothing
Like I'm too ugly and pathetic
And she's annoyed she's had to notice me
That even with my ribs sticking out
I'm grossly overweight
My hair's too frizzy
For her ever critical eye
My nose too pointy
My eyes too small
My lids too creased
My lips too thin
The hair above my lips
Too disgusting for words
I shrink beneath her withering gaze
But that just brings her notice
To my slouching shoulders
I can't even stand up straight!
She sneers at my rounded belly
At the dimples on my thighs
'Til I want to die of shame
Whispering cruel nothings
In my too-large ear
The running commentary persists
Until finally, crushed, I turn away
Wrap my towel around me
And leave the woman in the mirror
To go about my day
Collecting my shreds of dignity
Around me like a cloak
- Until tomorrow
Forced to grow
Life - it has forced me to grow
Not just up and out
With more wrinkles and creases
But in understanding too
Every hurt, every harsh word
Every ill-use or cold dismissal
Every bruise on my heart
Or on my weary body
The depth of my pain
Has unearthed the depth of my kindness
The spikes of life have taught me patience
The chaos - acceptance
The knowledge of that pain
And it's devastating impact
Mean those angry words are rarely spoken
And kinder ones are found instead
The crushing of my feelings
Of my character, of my whimsy -
Means I now tread more lightly around yours
Staying my own destructive streak
All the unsafe places
I have inhabited
Make me long to be a safe place
For you to rest your aching heart
The loneliness of being misunderstood
I know all too well
And it makes me listen with care
To the subtext of your words
Pain is a symptom of life
I wouldn't rewrite my story
Even if I could
But I don't want to be the villain in yours
I'll always be a work-in-progress
Life is too short to achieve perfection
But life has taught me
Never to stop growing and striving to be better
What keeps me going...
A cup of tea to soothe the nerves
A long chat with my mum
Happy Wednesday with my friends
Dinner, chats and hugs
Therapy to talk it out
And understand the past
Journaling to write it out
And challenge my rogue thoughts
Walking out in nature
The warm sun on my back
Dancing salsa at the club
My face lit by a smile
My two left feet won't keep the beat
It matters not a jot
The joy is in the trying
And spinning round a lot
Organic fruit and veggies
From a local family farm
So fresh and nourishing
A box packed full of charm
My writing course each week
And sharing who I am
Practise, feedback, reading
I hope it never ends
Weekly tea with Mary
Who always bakes something
She showers me with love
Doesn't care where I have been
I could go on for days
Listing all the good
My life is pretty sweet
And it all lifts my mood
Behind the façade
Why is someone mowing at 7am in the morning???
If that dog barks one more time...!!
I'll kill him if he runs late again
That guy looks dangerous...are my car doors locked?
You asked a polite question and here's my ten minute answer.
Sorry. Sorry. No I really am sorry.
Yes I do feel like it's my fault. Yes all the time. Sorry.
Sorry for saying sorry so much. Also my fault.
He has the bluest eyes - how dreamy...
What did that look mean at the dinner party last week? Is she mad at me? Did she take offence when I said green wasn't my colour. She was wearing a green hat. She probably hates me now.
Private number. Why do people use them? I'm not answering it. Leave a damn message.
Please stop spruiking your health smoothies on Facebook Debra. No one cares. Unfollow.
What's my ex from 10 years up to? Is his new partner prettier than me?
Don't overshare, don't overshare, don't overshare. 'Oh yeah I was at the doctor today for a pap smear'.
What does that look mean? Oh god, he doesn't think this is a date does he? Quick make an excuse and leave.
Why did you invite me over for dinner at five if you aren't serving it until nine-thirty. Get your shit together. No-one wants to eat that late. It's a school night.
Ooh let's send everyone a text, even though I haven't heard from them in two years, because I have a deadline. 'What are you up to these days, Titouan?'
Pancakes for dinner - because I had soup for breakfast and I'm a grownup so I can eat what I want.
Both pegs for each piece of clothing on the washing line must be the same colour if possible - it's not segregation, it's pegregation.
Dad jokes and bad puns
The inability to order a pizza other than Margherita without being disappointed
Pyjamas are the most comfortable clothes and I want to wear them all the time.
Don't surprise me. I hate it. I need to be emotionally and psychologically prepared to even see you, let alone be surprised.
Aggressively introverted. Loves parties
Listens to hypnosis on Spotify to try to solve all my problems. Mainly procrastination, lack of confidence, overthinking, negative self-talk.
Please like me
Scary sounds
Heavy footsteps on the veranda
The clash of plates and crockery as they're stowed away in cupboards
The front door slamming
A frustrated sigh
The sound of the door knob turning
The rumble of an unexpected engine
The long silence after a question
Mum crying
Brother crying
The phone ringing - Private Number, no called ID
...
These sounds haunt me still
Break the pattern
You always said, 'I'm telling you what my father told me, don't wait too long to have kids.'
When I turned thirty, you took me on a long walk - and explained my own dwindling fertility to me - as if you couldn't understand why I hadn't yet produced a child. Another disappointment I suppose. I made many excuses - my low wages, my high rent, my partner's reluctance to become a father, the increasing conflicts within the world, the collapse of ecosystems, pollution. All of these reasons were real - but none of them is what was truly keeping me from motherhood.
The truth is - I didn't feel equipped to become a parent. I was painfully aware of my hair-trigger temper, my disproportionate reactions, the undercurrent of violence that flowed through my veins, always threatening to come to the surface.
My own world felt so unsafe that I could never imagine willingly subjecting an innocent being to it. Because children are supposed to be nurtured and kept safe. They are supposed to be encouraged and loved unconditionally, so they can grow into the beautiful and unique (and yes sometimes frustrating) person they are supposed to be. And I didn't get that from you as a child. The home I grew up in felt like living on the edge of a volcano. Sometimes dormant, usually spewing lava - but occasionally blowing up and destroying everything in it's path.
Now I am healing and learning healthy communication and emotional maturity. Maybe one day - with the right partner, I might feel safe enough to nourish a child. Maybe not. Either way, I am determined to break the pattern here.
I just wish you would take the time to come to terms with your own childhood trauma - I can't imagine what you have suffered to make you as you are.
Broken can be beautiful
On days when I feel sad and blue
And everything seems bad
I want to crawl back into bed
Can't see a way past sad
There's war and famine everywhere
Nature screams in pain
People dying, children crying
The whole world's gone insane
There's trauma here and heartache there
Why's everyone so cruel
We're all people with feelings
Yet we act like we're too cool
There's cost of living, college debt
No pay rise coming soon
Can't get in to see a doctor
Until sometime late in June
The dating world seems scary
To my bruised and battered heart
I fear that they'll abuse me
If I even give a part
My friend just wants to end it
She's been sick for many years
The doctors shrug their shoulders
And she leaves their rooms in tears
Yes life is grim and gruesome
It's no picnic or parade
So how do I keep going
In this crazy, life charade?
Instead of thinking 'bout
All the things I didn't own
A house, a dog, a partner
That new expensive phone
I started giving thanks
For the good things in my life
Fresh air, good friends, my job
The peace amongst this strife
I started seeing sunsets
And smiling at the show
Those vibrant pretty colours
Told my sadness where to go
And flowers in the garden
Birds up in their trees
Singing for me daily
The calm buzz of the bees
The fresh crunch of an apple
The crust of new-baked bread
A dance class at the club
My soul was being fed
The time to do my writing
To walk in local parks
To dine out with a friend
And hear about their larks
That changed everything for me
For beauty is a salve
Friendship is a tonic
They ease that pressure valve
Life is still no picnic
The blue days haunt me still
But now I search for glimmers
And my cup, they do fill