I can remember when I didn't have to try and be happy.

I don't know when the wind came and changed that.

Maybe a breeze was always there but I was too young to decipher what it was.

But then how is happiness a different season now.

If it's been here my entire life how did it take me so long to feel the storm.

It's not because of you

so I don't show it

You can't fix me

so why expose you to it

This mask I wear makes you feel

happy

          one is better than none.

I feel valid in my points

But you don't see them 

I want to apologize for how I acted

But not for what was said

The guilt I feel is not regret 

But remorse for how it made you feel

I feel valid 

Thirty drunken minutes later

The wave of emotions I was

hiding emerged

Why does my mind betray me?

Everything I do should make me

happy and in place of that is

irritation

confusion

and completely forced

aloneness.

I don't feel alone because nobody

cares

I feel alone because I don't want

anyone to touch me

hearing people speak makes me

cringe

the fact the I cannot not fake a

smile makes me hate myself.

I don't want to pretend anymore

I don't want to hide from others

But maybe 

I still want to hide from myself.

Today has been an amazing birthday! 

And not in the sense that everybody was here because they weren't 

And not in the sense that I received all the presents I wanted because I could careless 

But in the sense that today I've realized my life is perfect

Today I know who I am and I am happy and proud of it 

I envy myself and want my own life and this is something completely new to me 

I am in love with myself as a person and in love with my life and all surrounding it.

Bitterness that covers

disappointment

Insecurities caused by

replacement

Confusion of feelings all

blurred into one

Hope with a small

flicker under water

Mirror battling each side

of reality

One being imploding

with too much.

Anger comes towards everyone

But it's just battles in my head

The puzzle of my problems unveiled

But the pieces still don't fit

Every vibrance of my mind set free

But stuck right here,

          I lie 

Maybe the real me can be who I am with you

Maybe who I am alone is the mask

Wishful thinking so easily turns to denial

A life of my own played like a movie

All I've ever wanted 

A corrupt imaginary life being played; in and out of my head.