Hello You

Hello Exactly what I deserve

Hello What was already mine but it was just a matter of linear time

Hello Big dream that is my alive reality now

Hello Beautiful experience that I am walking through with open, receiving arms

Hello Sun inside of me that was merely obscured by some clouds

Hello Light all around me

Hello True Self,

you are naked and free

Thank You

I was always You

Thank You for the whispers in my ears and the messages from my heart

Thanks me, for connecting with Light until it shined so bright that it dissolved all patterns

And set me free

Until I realized that I was never me, that I was You, and You were Me

This night I met my shadow. A dark energy of "You do not deserve this".

The heavy entity inside of me that wants to keeps me low, in the unconscious. It pulls me back down in the dark when it senses that I am evolving. The dense energetic mass resides in my body, is rooted in anxiety and feeds on anxiety. It is the source of all my limiting thoughts ~ that I often believe to be true.

Meeting my own shadow was insightful and immediately scary. I felt intimidated, and suppressed by its heavy and coercive weight. I reacted with resistance: "I will not let you have me. You will not control me". I tried to break through the dark energy that embraced my being by connecting to the vibrations of my spirit. And then I realized, that I was stuck. For the umpteenth time, I was stuck, in sleep paralysis.

I do not know which was most problematic. The gloomy energy of my shadow, or the anxious fight against it.

Fight and flight are fear responses. It is mainly the fear of the fear that creates the sleep paralysis. I realize that these types of dreams always go as following: I am confronted with a darkness that somehow wants to possess me. Then I fight with the dark. As that clearly never works, I run. From the moment I attempt my escapism, I notice that there is nowhere to go.

Being afraid and fighting against your own darkness is once again, your shadow, in disguise.

If you truly want to wake up to the light after this long unconscious dream, you actually have to be brave and walk the walk through the dark forest. Until you no longer feel brave, but rather calm. Because you realized that the darkness isn't really you. So there is ultimately nothing to be afraid of. For you were the light that was guiding you all along. If you know you are the light, then why would you fight?

When darkness visits me now, I am in total and complete surrender. I have come to love it. For it is this contrast inherent in the human experience that enables this grand opportunity for my soul to grow deeply.

Next time in my sleep paralysis, I might give thanks to my darkness, giving it a gentle smile. For one does not conquer darkness by fighting, one conquers it, by loving.

There is this advice: "Do it for yourself"

But what if no one really knows their "self"?

I would rephrase it and say:

"Do not do it for your ego,

do it for your soul."

The wounded healer believes

"I do not deserve to be happy, while the rest is suffering"

"I do not deserve to be in the light, while others are in darkness"

"I do not deserve to become conscious, while others are unconscious"

"I do not deserve to wake up, while others are still asleep"

The wounded healer chooses the healing of others above their own

It is pure love

A love that does not need to be proven

Every few years when we look each other in the eyes, we see the same love that was always there

It is love that does not need to be contained within a delineated relation

It is the love that simply is

Under all conditions

We can love someone else

We can live something else

We can be the furthest away

We are the closest in heart

Maybe we see each other again

Maybe not

It is non-attached

It is free

An eternal energy

Strengthened through lives

I love you dear soul

More than I have ever loved

And the feeling

Makes me feel alive

And the freedom

Makes me feel

Even more alive

I am craving different smells

Different buildings and different church bells

I can't wait to look down on my feet

Looking at the new streets they meet

I want to look up, surprised by a stranger

Finally a human that interests me, what a game-changer

I want to be thrown out of my routine

Even tho I'm so autistic

It'll be relieving to my ADHD

Can someone please touch me?

Someone who tries to make us a "we"?

So I can be free

And say

Sorry, but that's not a game I play

Give me that new job

That bores me after some months

So I can then take off

So I have a reason to continue my journey

Where everything is new and worthy

Where life is flirting with me

So that I may again renew myself

And be 10% more free

I honestly just want to be alone

My consciousness, my human form and life

We are a wonderful team on an awe-inspiring journey

We are vibing and thriving in the world of contrast

We all love each other, and I think there is no deeper connection than this?

I don't want one of those human constructed relationships

One of those attachment-thingy things everyone talks about

I don't want to belong to a group, they call it communities or so?

I belong to life and life belongs to me

I want to be f r e e

"Being free"

It's the most attractive and delicious feeling and when I even just feel an inch of it, it feels like my feet are floating and my body is being lifted up into the sky

I would feel clean and spacious and strong and powerful

Not a grain of fear will be found over there

From there I can see all over the world

Finally "the outsider looking in" that I want to be

Truly, if I could acquire a superpower it would be invisibility

...

Have I come to my deepest desire?

To disappear

...

I will be like a soap bubble

So free

Floating very, very high

Cleared from all dense energies

Flying so lightly

Until she pops

And disappears

My thinking brain is racing

Why are you trying to make a problem out of everything? Why right now? Now that I am in peace

Are you afraid of peace?

Well dear friend

I am not even interested in "why" you want my attention

I know about the basic dysfunction of the mind

Poor enitity you

Poor you

Not getting attention

Not being identified with

I'll leave you alone in your darkness

Until you eventually starve and dissolve

And then dear friend, we will truly become friends

Because then I will use you instead of you using me

And then you'll be my partner

My peace amplifier

How was life before the story of my life became so big? Before I started to figure out my personality?

These days I am reminded of when I was a kid. And it was just me and life.

When did opinions and views about my so called "self" start to attain significance?

Others were with others so I thougt I had to be too. And I am happy that I explored this socializing area of land. How else would I have become wise if I stayed alone in my room all my life?

But I cannot keep up with this extroverted game.

I have learned enough. About sharing emotions with other humans and about social ego. I have learned how to set myself free in the midst of being observed by eyes and labeled by minds.

Now I have come back to my true nature as a "human" being. It is me and life. Me and the cold floor that I am laying on, me and my journal, me and the sky, me and the music, me and the dishes.

Transcending this, something more remarkable than all of the above has arisen. Me and my true nature as a "being". The deepest connection possible has been found. One with what I am beyond all of that I am not.

So in actuality I have not merely come "back" to my introverted self.

I have finally come Home to my true self, in which I find you who is reading this, and all of life, and all that is.

I am sick of the "story of me"

The "I am this, I am that"

The purposing, analysing, categorizing and speculating

My past, my future, my personality

No matter how beautiful I create the story

The ego always finds a way to turn the coin around

Revealing its shadow side

I am letting go of the burden of personality

The illusion of human identity

Presence evaporates patterns

I am sick of the story of me

I dissolve it

In peace