Freedom
And through it all I found love. Cast over across a deadly sea. I didn’t get swept under. I didn’t drown. I found an undying urge within myself. To fight and carry on. I lived through the oblivion. I survived a state of hopelessness. I am unwilling to aknowledge what is left. I am unwilling to see the light inside. For the pain still lives on. It disguises itself as an anxious current within. The way the scars have faded ever so slight. The way the years have changed the color of my eyes. If only there was a road leading back. I’d tread lightly just to hold on tighter to the things I’d lost. Somehow of all that is gone, I am still here. And through it all I found hope. Through it all I found myself. Ive seen enough now to walk away. To lay the chaos inside of me to rest. To set myself free of all that I have done. Of all that I regret. To make peace with the past. To resign myself to the future. To accept the choices that led me here.
Unfeasible
Somewhere out there - there are a million alternate universes.
One where my innocence lived on, and I had never gotten hurt.
Where I never became that drunk girl lying face down in the dirt.
One where I drew those lines, and never dared to cross.
Where I never chose that dark path that would surely get me lost.
One where I was still safe, and I never betrayed myself.
Where I never put that needle in or had to ask for help.
One where I still met him, our lives still sweetly overlapped.
Where he never took his own life, forcing me to adapt.
One where I didn't have to struggle, where I was able to be free.
Where I never had to fall so far from who I was meant to be.
One where he had never slipped, causing me to fold.
Where he didn't do it one last time, turning blue and cold.
One where he is here with us, laughing and watching her grow.
Where I am not sitting here, trying to cling to the unknown.
Afterlife
From afar
Too far away
I hate to think
Of the distance between
Parts of me
Have lost their way
From the cost
Of losing you
There’s so much left
But there’s so much gone
I fear every feeling
I fear living this way
Looking for you everywhere
Chasing after your memory
Dissipating within my regrets
Disappearing within my pain
I don’t know how to live this way
A Shift
I am certain of nothing, but somehow everything I know has changed. It has shifted. Life has a way of doing that sometimes. Of sneaking up on you and showing you that you can never know what’s to come. It’s really quite beautiful. The way the world is magnetic. The way it finds a way to reach inside you, pulling and tugging at your deepest desires. Somehow I’ve landed here, where I feel safe and whole. It is foreign land for me, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t completely terrify me. But the fear is good. The fear is right somehow. My life has shown me that. It has shown me how to trust the uncertainty. It has shown me how to praise the mystery. I feel good. I feel complete. I feel like my feet are on solid ground. Tomorrow might be different.. but I’m okay with that.
When I think about love
This is a repost of mine from a year or so ago. I turned it into a monologue. The link is attached to listen to it. It would mean the absolute world to me if someone would listen to it and give me their feedback.
https://soundcloud.app.goo.gl/MoHqujziYaELTVQm8
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When I think about love...
I think about the people in my life. I think about the good, the bad. The love that comes as easy as breathing, and the love that comes with an indefinable struggle. It’s never been hard for me to love. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever experienced an emotion that came easier for me. Loving those who are built firmly into my heart in unbreakable bonds that define so much of me and my life. Loving those whom have once held me unimaginably close and seemed so real, and right at that time. And loving those who made me feel safe, and made me feel as though I wasn’t, had never been, and never would be alone.
When I think about love...
I often wonder what it would be like. To be me. To be the person I am, and to not hold so many scars inside myself where I have loved and lost. I think of the things, the people, the places that are now behind me. Stuck somewhere inside a past that seems blurred by the unsought gift of self preservation. For the most part, I can count my blessings within each person that I once trusted enough to hold the weight of me and my own heart. I can see the good where there is so incredibly much bad to be accounted for. I can find it within myself to smile and be grateful for everything that was said, that was done, that was felt, and that was endured. For the most part, I am better because of the people I have loved, and the people I have lost.
Because when I think about love...
It makes sense to me to feel so deeply all the places inside where there are gaps and holes. Those empty spaces that were once filled with a blindingly infinate amount of a person. One that I gave myself entirely to. It makes sense to me to look at the future, and the possibilities of another person and feel afraid for what may or may not happen. It makes sense to me to be unavoidably fearful and cautious in the terms and the laws of love. The way that it feels so much easier to fear it then to it does to trust it anymore.
But I believe in it...
I believe in love. Unbounded, unruly, unbelivable love. I do because I always have. Because in some way, and to some degree, I always will. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to have given up and lost faith in life, in people, and in humanity... but to live a life without love is to live a life without possabilities. Without compassion, or connection, or any of those things that make human beings so real, and so special.
I believe in love, and in every single last place that it has taken me, in every single thing that it has shown me, and in every last person that it has brought to me, and then taken from me. Those parts of me, and my life.. They were so real. They still are in so many ways the realest parts of me. They keep me constantly aware of what lives inside of me. Of what it is that drives me, and keeps me going in this life. Of that thing that keeps me alive, and of all the good in me that I have to offer.
Yes... when I think of love
I think of the capacity and capability of my heart. I think of the immeasurable, and incalcuable depths that it holds, despite all the suffering and loss that it has endured. And with it, I can let go. I can learn to live without so much.
Because with it, I already have everything I need.
Everything I have ever needed.
Because with it, it doesn’t matter what I am without. It doesn’t overrule what I have gained. What I have conquered. What I have discovered within myself.
So when I think of love... I think of the joy, the bliss, the experiences of my life. And with that in my heart,
I am whole.
Once upon a time
You were right here by my side
We chain smoked our cigarettes
On this very bench
Rocking back and forth
To the rhythm of our passion
Sometimes fast
Sometimes slow
So many days I waited for you here
To come down and join me
To come down and acknowledge me
Some days you joined
Put your hand tightly in mine
Other days you were too far away
Avoiding the nearness of me
But this was the place
Where our bodies first collided
Up the stairs to the left
Where we once slept each night
Side by side interlaced
Those nights I felt the safest
When we laughed under the sheets
When we were as close as can be
When things were so right
I’ve sat here with you so many times
In silence and in small talk
In arguments and in heavy laughter
We walked up and down these streets
And always returned to this very place
You’d work on your motorcycle in the driveway
While I made my hands sore scribbling in journals
Nonsense about how much I loved you
About how even when I had you, I somehow always needed more of you.
It’s nice to be in this place
That once was filled with you and me
Even though you’re further away then I could ever reach you
Even though you’ve been gone for some time
I still sit here sometimes and I smile
Because I think of what used to be
Because I think of the times with you and me
Sitting in this very spot
Together
Forever.