

Failure
Lately, I've been feeling like a failure.
I'm not passing any of the standards I should be.
I don't look the way I should.
I don't act the way I should.
I don't meet the expectations people set for me.
I'm not perfect like how people want.
I wish I could please everyone, but I know I never will.
I'm sorry for failing.
I really am.
-A.E.T.
Layers
Shrek says ogres are like onions.
I think I am too.
I've got layers. And maybe each one gets worse as you go.
The first layer is what you see. You might not like it. I know I don't.
The second layer is what you think you know about me. You might think you know something. Chances are you're wrong.
The third layer is what you like. There isn't a lot that I like. I know you'll hate me more
The fourth layer is the thoughts I have deep inside my head. No one gets to know them. Not until it's too late.
The fifth layer is my anger. I get angry quick but don't let people see it.
The sixth layer is my sadness. No one sees that. Because the last time someone saw it I was stabbed in the back.
The seventh layer is when I'm alone and comfortable. No one gets to see me really in my element. No one sees the comfortable me.
The eighth layer is flirting. I'm never going to flirt. I'm not good at that. But I want to one day be able to flirt with someone until they're blushing and red.
The ninth layer is my anxiety. I will freak out and be anxious about everything.
The tenth and final layer....Me. Just...Me.
-A.E.T.
Writing
To me?
Writing is an outlet.
To me?
Writing allows me to get the thoughts out of my head I wish were never there.
To me?
Writing is a friend.
To me?
Writing is reality.
To me?
Writing is pain, but the best kind.
Sometimes, writing can be suffocating.
Like when you're killing off a character and that pit grows in your stomach.
And that character is no man. No woman. No child. No villain or hero.
That character is a dog.
Those are the hardest.
(For real, though. I had to take thirty minutes just to cry after killing a dog in a story)
-A.E.T.
Jealousy
Written January 14, 2025
I look at other girls my age and wonder why I look so different
I wonder why my waist isn't as small
I wonder why my smile isn't pretty on me
I wonder why my hair is never perfect
I wonder why my voice isn't sweet
I wonder why I'm not skinny
I wonder why I have so many more visible scars
I wonder why I can't talk to guys
I wonder why my chest isn't as appealing
I wonder why I can't be 'normal'
Jealousy.
I'm filled with jealousy.
I want it to be gone
But it never leaves
I'm never good enough
I hate it.
-A.E.T.
Exes
Written January 9, 2025
My first one
15 years old
Came out as bisexual
Saw her a few times, spent time with her at school
Got together on the 28th of February
We lasted 4 months
She cheated on me with her ex after telling me not to worry about her
My second
16 years old
A straight relationship
Hugged each time we saw each other
Long-distance because I moved
We almost lasted a year
He didn't try to visit me even when I wanted to see him.
I lost my boyfriend and best friend
Talking stages
1. Turns out he had a girlfriend
2. Ghosted me
3. Ghosted me
4. Only talks to me when he's single
5. Ghosted me
Is it me?
What did I do wrong?
-A.E.T.
Change
Written January 9, 2025
Ever since last year, I've changed
I don't remember who I was or what I did
I've lost 10 pounds since February
Someone told me it was because I skip meals
I do, but it helps me like myself
I've been a little less awkward
I've stopped wearing some clothes, rings, bracelets, necklaces, and makeup
Last year, maybe I knew things
I feel like I don't know anything anymore
I've been hating myself more
I've been telling people I'm busy as I lay in my bed
My heart has been broken
I've gotten new scars
I've shed more tears
I've gained more fears
Yeah, I'm different
I've changed
But is that bad?
Is that good?
We're all scared of change
That's because we don't want to seem stupid or weak
That's just the way of life
-A.E.T.
A Drive
Written November 25, 2024
They say when you're driving
You shouldn't be distracted
You shouldn't have any emotions
You shouldn't talk
You shouldn't do anything besides focus
But what happens when you're not driving and you forget to do those things?
Now everyone hates you
Now everyone thinks you're depressed
Now everyone leaves you in the dust
Now you're all alone
And all you did
Was follow the rules
And take a drive
How ironic...
-A.E.T.
Realization
Written November 19, 2024
I've noticed I will never be good enough
Don't look good with my hair up?
Oh, okay, I'll always wear it down.
No style?
Oh, okay, I'll wear the same thing every day.
Fat?
I'll starve myself.
Talk too much?
I'll stop talking.
I bother you?
Okay, I'll stop talking to you and everyone else.
Scars?
Okay, I'll wear long sleeves, hoodies, and pants even when it's 100 degrees.
Annoying?
Okay. I'll turn off my phone.
I never feel like myself.
I'm never good enough.
Why can't I just like myself and be fine with it?
-A.E.T.
Forgive Me For...
November 19, 2024
Mother...Not being more like you
Father...Disappointing you
Stepmother...Not accepting you
Sister...Never getting to know you
Brother...Taking forever to relate to you
Brother...Having to be with you every day
Sister...Making your day worse
Best friend...Not trying harder
Best friend...Everything I've done to you
Best friend...Making up excuses
Ex-Boyfriend...Not wanting to lose you
Ex-Best Friend...Hurting you
Ex-Girlfriend...Trying so hard and being too much
Ex-Talking stage...Not being enough
Best Friend...Hurting myself
Teachers...Not being smart enough
Me...Being me
World...Being here
-A.E.T.
My Two Sides
Written November 19, 2024
I can be fun
I can be goofy
I can be funny
I can keep the party going
I can flirt
I can hype someone up
I can love you
I can stick up for you
I call that side 'Caffeine'
I can also be boring
I can be scared
I can be quiet
I can laugh until I cry
I can stay inside all day
I can be awkward
I can tell someone all their flaws and compare them to mine
I can be scared to love you
I can hurt for you
I call that side 'Anxiety'
There's no in-between
That's just me.
-A.E.T.