My head splits open

Like someone's sawing it

It feels like the world

Is sitting on my temples

Voices are screaming

Ears are ringing

Heart is racing

Body is sweating

A spike goes through my skull

Causing a tear to escape

Tylenol won't help

Or Advil

Or Ibuprofen

The lights are too bright

I turn them off

Shades and blinds are closed

The house gets dark

I sit in my bed

Ears bleeding now

My vision is blurry

Almost like a cloud

It's funny how it happens

How did it start?

-A.E.T.

I dyed my hair to like myself more.

I bought whitening toothpaste to like myself more.

I stopped eating to like myself more.

I started going on walks to like myself more.

I started wearing mascara to like myself more.

I started smoking to like myself more.

I started hurting myself to like myself more.

Was it really for me?

I dyed my hair to look better.

I bought whitening toothpaste to have a better smile.

I stopped eating to get thinner.

I started going on walks to lose weight.

I started wearing mascara to look prettier.

I started smoking to fit in.

I started hurting myself to hide my pain.

Was it for me? Or was it for them?

See You In The Next One

-A.E.T.

Written on 3/12/2025

We broke up again

Feels like I lost count

Even the rain can't hide our pain

And I don't know

Why we keep trying

When you just keep lying

Oh, no

The way that I left you was

so cold

but I knew it was right

you'd yell at night

start a fight

and never say sorry

Right now

I'm freezing cold

But the sky is so starry

When I was younger

I was told love was like hunger

why can't it just

Go my way

be okay

and not leave me broken

I just wanna be happy

but you never help me

Oh, no

The way that I left you was

so cold

but I knew it was right

You'd

yell at night

start a fight

and never say sorry

right now

I'm freezing cold

but the sky is so starry

The stars are shining

but, babe, we're dying!

No, you won't stop fighting

you won't stop lying

why can't we just be okay?

Maybe it's 'cause I'm the one who has to pay

I love you

but you hate me

and I hate that you have me

I'm dying and you say I'm crazy

But, hey!

Who cares?

'Cause the sky is so starry

See you in the next one!

-A.E.T.

What is love?

I feel like each time I think I might be in love, I'm lied to.

Ghosted

Hurt

Ignored

Maybe it's just the fact that everyone realizes who I really am...What I really am and they run away before they get too deep.

To me, love is a song. It could either be something like...

I could drown myself in someone like you.

I could dive so deep I never come out.

I thought it was impossible.

But you make it possible.

(Nothing But Thieves - Impossible)

Or...It could be

You know you can't give me what I need

And even though you mean so much to me

I can't wait through everything

Is this really happening?

I swear I'll never be happy again

And don't you dare say we can just be friends

I'm not some boy that you can sway

We knew it'd happen eventually

(A Day To Remember - If It Means a Lot to You)

I don't know what love is. But I hope I get a falling in love song....Not a break-up song.

See you in the next one!

-A.E.T.

Lately, I've been feeling like a failure.

I'm not passing any of the standards I should be.

I don't look the way I should.

I don't act the way I should.

I don't meet the expectations people set for me.

I'm not perfect like how people want.

I wish I could please everyone, but I know I never will.

I'm sorry for failing.

I really am.

-A.E.T.

Shrek says ogres are like onions.

I think I am too.

I've got layers. And maybe each one gets worse as you go.

The first layer is what you see. You might not like it. I know I don't.

The second layer is what you think you know about me. You might think you know something. Chances are you're wrong.

The third layer is what you like. There isn't a lot that I like. I know you'll hate me more

The fourth layer is the thoughts I have deep inside my head. No one gets to know them. Not until it's too late.

The fifth layer is my anger. I get angry quick but don't let people see it.

The sixth layer is my sadness. No one sees that. Because the last time someone saw it I was stabbed in the back.

The seventh layer is when I'm alone and comfortable. No one gets to see me really in my element. No one sees the comfortable me.

The eighth layer is flirting. I'm never going to flirt. I'm not good at that. But I want to one day be able to flirt with someone until they're blushing and red.

The ninth layer is my anxiety. I will freak out and be anxious about everything.

The tenth and final layer....Me. Just...Me.

-A.E.T.

To me?

Writing is an outlet.

To me?

Writing allows me to get the thoughts out of my head I wish were never there.

To me?

Writing is a friend.

To me?

Writing is reality.

To me?

Writing is pain, but the best kind.

Sometimes, writing can be suffocating.

Like when you're killing off a character and that pit grows in your stomach.

And that character is no man. No woman. No child. No villain or hero.

That character is a dog.

Those are the hardest.

(For real, though. I had to take thirty minutes just to cry after killing a dog in a story)

-A.E.T.

Written January 14, 2025

I look at other girls my age and wonder why I look so different

I wonder why my waist isn't as small

I wonder why my smile isn't pretty on me

I wonder why my hair is never perfect

I wonder why my voice isn't sweet

I wonder why I'm not skinny

I wonder why I have so many more visible scars

I wonder why I can't talk to guys

I wonder why my chest isn't as appealing

I wonder why I can't be 'normal'

Jealousy.

I'm filled with jealousy.

I want it to be gone

But it never leaves

I'm never good enough

I hate it.

-A.E.T.

Written January 9, 2025

My first one

15 years old

Came out as bisexual

Saw her a few times, spent time with her at school

Got together on the 28th of February

We lasted 4 months

She cheated on me with her ex after telling me not to worry about her

My second

16 years old

A straight relationship

Hugged each time we saw each other

Long-distance because I moved

We almost lasted a year

He didn't try to visit me even when I wanted to see him.

I lost my boyfriend and best friend

Talking stages

1. Turns out he had a girlfriend

2. Ghosted me

3. Ghosted me

4. Only talks to me when he's single

5. Ghosted me

Is it me?

What did I do wrong?

-A.E.T.

Written January 9, 2025

Ever since last year, I've changed

I don't remember who I was or what I did

I've lost 10 pounds since February

Someone told me it was because I skip meals

I do, but it helps me like myself

I've been a little less awkward

I've stopped wearing some clothes, rings, bracelets, necklaces, and makeup

Last year, maybe I knew things

I feel like I don't know anything anymore

I've been hating myself more

I've been telling people I'm busy as I lay in my bed

My heart has been broken

I've gotten new scars

I've shed more tears

I've gained more fears

Yeah, I'm different

I've changed

But is that bad?

Is that good?

We're all scared of change

That's because we don't want to seem stupid or weak

That's just the way of life

-A.E.T.