Cursed
Did somebody put a curse on me?
Because lately I'm having dreams about my ex and I together again.
This is not something that I want
and it makes me feel uneasy in my own body
that he keeps popping back into my head
as an uninvited guest.
I feel like someone must have put a curse on me,
forced me to relive thoughts of him
when I haven't thought about him in years.
I don't want to think about him
I haven't in so long,
so why now
is he the star of two of my dreams this week.
I thought I got rid of him with the rest of the trash.
Cold Hearted
I don't understand what I am doing wrong.
I'm friendly and happy
and I try my best to make connections
but all around me, people are hanging out and having these deep friendships
and I'm left behind in the dust
forgotten and unwanted.
I don't know what I did to deserver to be excluded,
not invited on your outings
as you talk about how much you love the people in your life
but why am I not one of them?
I always tried to be your friend,
ask about your day
and tried to hold conversation.
At some point,
I need to accept that I was not the one not trying,
and that it was you all along
who was not accepting my effort.
I can't make you want me
I can't make you want me.
But I hope one day, you miss me
and wish you could have been friends with me when you had the chance.
Bitch.
The Woman Behind the Ideas
Why are my ideas never ones to be talked about
or the focus of our conversation?
It always just goes back to you,
you you you.
Always you,
with your brilliant ideas
and your funny disposition.
But when I bring my thoughts
or ideas to the foreground,
give them space to grow and thrive,
you're shocked that I could come up with something
so amazing and important.
I don't understand how you get to be the genius
and I have to be the one that sparks your ideas.
And when I want my ideas to stand on their own
you never reciprocate the same amount of enthusiasm or energy that I have for yours.
Part of me wonders if you could be jealous of me
but I sadly think the reality is
that you don't think I'm anything special
or that my ideas are noteworthy
and demand the spotlight like yours do.
I wish I knew what healthy love looked like.
Because growing up,
I was never given a good example of it.
The idea of fighting with a significant other makes me physically sick,
because I hate the idea that if I made things inconvenient,
they would just leave.
Yet, I fight with my family all the time.
Maybe it's because I know that they will never leave.
I just want to know what healthy love is,
what it looks like to actually have someone interested in you
and not just because they want to get into my pants.
I will never forget the feeling of giving in
and letting him have what he desperately wanted
only for him to completely lose interest in me.
And it almost broke me,
and there are still days that I feel like the idea of that will completely shatter me to bits.
I just hope to find a love
so unconditional and so wonderful
that all that pain will go away
and I can once again feel whole
in the arms of another.
I hope that one day,
I find someone who actually wants me.
Not someone who just settles for me.
But someone who loves me for my heart
and mind.
Someone who likes me without my makeup
and actually wants to hear what I have to say.
I don't want to be with people just because it's convenient
or because it's been a long time
and I'm desperate for someone to love me.
I just want someone to look at me,
and feel like they want to know me
and that their life would be better with me in it.
Religious Trauma Baby
I had a really good talk
with an older woman at work
about my uncomfortableness with the church.
And I sat there,
and wanted to burst into tears
because if this woman could understand
and also see a problem with the amount of hypocrisy in the church,
then why couldn't you?
At this point,
it's not an excuse to say that people are old,
and just stuck in their ways,
they just don't want to accept that what they believe is right
is in fact actually wrong.
I despise
being the broken one of the family.
The one that siblings and parents need to check on
to make sure that I am taking care of myself.
The one who will probably never be able to live on their own.
The one who can't seem to get a handle on their emotions.
The one that everyone worries about
and whispers about as if I'm not even there.
I hate being this person.
That feels like they are a burden
who constantly needs looking after,
like I'm a child who needs a babysitter
because they are worried that I'll stick a fork
into an electrical socket and fuck up my entire life.
But the truth is that my life already feels fucked up,
and I honestly don't know how to get it back on track.
Am I My Dad?
I was so angry
and I was so sad last night.
It felt like everything was just too much.
The only thought through my head
was wanting to punch something,
anything.
And I knew in that moment
that I was my father's daughter.
Not being able to control the rage inside
that the only option seems to be my fists
and screaming until it is all released.
I just wanted to punch the wall,
just like he did when I was young.
Litter the wall with holes
for something the wall didn't even do
and didn't even deserve.
I just wanted to yell and scream at someone
until they felt as bad as me.
I wanted them to feel broken
and hurt
and worthless just like me.