2012
2012, or a scream in the dark
therapy on Tuesdays and Saturdays
at 4, where I would take my
black and white thinking
and try to shove it in a drawer
my therapist was saying something
akin to radical acceptance and
self compassion
that they are the ways out
of the blackness
I got up
to walk out
just leaving her
talking to herself
and she turned to me
said, if you walk out right now,
don't come back
you won't see me again
I had two choices
I sat back down
and waited out 2012
Close to you
Midnights make me miss you,
plant a longing feeling in my bones.
The feeling spreads,
the poison takes over every organ
until my body aches with the intensity of your absence.
I get stuck every time
between loving you and surviving.
Because loving you means
I can't breathe
without you,
but surviving means facing myself,
cutting all the ties for good,
and being lonely.
But sometimes I'd rather forget how to breathe,
than live in a world without you,
because you showed me how to love
and how to be loved.
You convinced me to open my heart to things I never had.
You taught me patience,
intimacy,
forgiveness,
things I never knew.
So I'd be glad if my whole life became a midnight,
because that's the closest I get to you.