Splurge

You know that moment before you jump? Before you make a decision that could affect your life in a major way.

How you can pull any guy within the first few minutes of meeting them. So you act weird, so your not just remembered as the cute girl at the supermarket, but rather somebody who actually was funny. Who'd best trait wasn't her looks. Because you don't want that.

Yet, you know this happens every time you meet a guy. But your so insecure. Think that you're ugly because every time somebody calls you pretty- if they ever do- it feels so backhanded. You can see the signs that a guy is interested in you, or likes you, or is crushing on you with nearly every guy. But where's all the friends? All the people who are just supposed to be there to talk to? Where's the guy who asks you out? Who actually learns what your favorite flower is? Where's the guy who realizes that even though you say your favorite color is scarlet, you have an extra soft spot for vert green. The deep green you find in the crayon packets, and that's why you buy so many crayons even though you hate coloring with them because they feel to waxy.

I want somebody who'll splash me with rain water, but kiss me before I can yell at him. Somebody who'll tell me flat out if I look bad in something, no fear, but will also not be to scared to say how pretty I look. A guy who'll mock me for doing something that I didn't even realize I did.

I want the type of love that's not really in the romance novels. When the guy buys you chocolate, when everything is perfect, when you always get along. The childhood friend, or the second chance ex. Or even the handsome stranger in the elevator.

I want the guy who'll bump into me one day, jokingly claim it was all my fault and try to walk away with the blame on me. The guy who's disrespectful, but also super kind. Who'll tease me for liking blueberry pancakes instead of chocolate chip, but will also go out of his way to make a blueberry pancake instead of plain ones.

I want a guy who'll tell me all of my faults, how I make him feel when he feels it. But will also help me grow. Uplift me through my failures, tell me that I can get through this. It's only a passing storm.

A person who I can fight with, but who'll always still be right there. Somebody who I can cuddle with at night, and sleep on his half of the bed even though we both said we'd sleep on our own sides. Somebody who'll tell me that wanting a motorcycle is dangerous, that I shouldn't ride. But who'll egg me on to go faster on the race track, but not to fast. The guy who'll buy another motorcycle right next to me so I'm not alone on the road.

I'm tired of pretending that I'm into the nice guys, because I'm honestly not.

Nice guys always stay a respectful distance away, so you can never tell if their interested or have a girlfriend. I want him to be all up in my face. To annoy me just so that he can make me laugh the very next minute and tell me that he knows I love him like an arrogant boy. Even when I claim not to, but he'll know I'm lying because he's got such a big ego, sometimes it just needs a little bruising.

I don't really want a nice guy, who'll talk about books and hold back on the flirting or joking, or making fun of. Sure I love talking about books. But I want to have the guy who asks why I'm such a nerd, just to read the book I finished last week. The guy who'll make fun of me for needing to have perfect grades and show me how to be a bit rebellious. Who'll challenge me on who can do better and faster. Even though we both already know it's going to be me, not because he's giving me the win like a nice guy would. But because I'm genuinely better.

I suppose what I'm saying is, I don't really want the guy my parents love. I want the one I see myself in. The guy my parents resent for being rebellious, but can't really prove it because he's respectful enough to get off the hook.

I love you, but you're not him. And I can't help but to compare.

When he's nervous he runs his hands through his hair until it points straight up. You just glance around the room. When he steals the rings from off my fingers, you're just barely noticing them. He'll turn off my computer, log me out. Just to annoy me when I have a smile on my face. You compliment my background,

Where he would add a flirty comment that kinda comes off as rude so nobody else will pick up on it, you're laughing humorlessly at my joke that I know you don't get. When he's making bets with ritz crackers because they're my favorite, your timidly asking me what my favorite food is. But he already knows. And he never asked.

Your eyes are blue, his are a light green. Like the fields in summer. Or the color of trees fresh leaves that just popped. Your hair is a fiery red, like flames. Like the color scarlet. But I think I prefer green now. His hair is gold, like the sun. Or golden fields.

Your growing taller than me, but his eyes are perfectly level with mine. You have glasses, but he has thick lashes that only appear if you look closely. you walk like a calm business man, but he swaggers like the teenagers we are. Bounces in his step non-chalantly, even though that's far from the truth. But you are non-chalant.

He would steal my umbrella, jump in a mud puddle to splash me, and them kiss me before running away laughing with an evil smirk. You would hold the umbrella over my head even though I love the rain. Walk me around the puddle even though I love looking at my self through them. You would frown at me, even though I just want somebody to laugh at my side. Even though laughter is my favorite sound.

I love you, but you are not him. I'm sorry.