The day you wear white I will cry at the alter,

not just because I'm sad, but also I'm happy.

That day you will get all the love that I've wished you had.

On every dandelion and shooting-star.

The day you wear white I will have lost something though.

You will no longer call me when you need to switch your tires, because now he will.

I'll no longer be the person who gets your extra invite or ticket,

Nor will I be the first and only person you call to go shopping with you.

But I'll be happy, because now you won't just get good morning texts from him,

You'll get morning hugs and kisses.

And he'll bring you on ice cream dates because you can't have coffee.

He'll always be there when I'm not to binge watch a show so you don't do it alone.

The day you wear white I'll wear that ugly shade of yellow, or maybe purple.

And all of our parents will be trying to match me up with a guy.

I'll probably sneak in some chocolate, to eat while your preparing in the room.

At least we'll both be happy, even if I cry.

And when you wipe the tears away more will take their place,

because even losing a part of you to another bigger world hurts a little.

So, I'm going to steal all the ice cream hangouts and Netflix binging I can.

I suppose I'm coming around.

I can't picture your face easily anymore.

Can't quite recall the tone of your voice, the exact sound.

I can't recall the exact shade of green your eyes, or black at their core.

Your height is probably taller.

Your shoulders are probably broader,

you've probably grown. Older.

It hurts just a little bit, it's getting a little bolder.

Being hungry helps out, helps me miss-interpret my pain.

But don't worry, I still eat, just not as much.

I cry out in the rain.

Mostly because it hides my tears and such.

But I think I'm finally getting over it.

Putting myself together stitch by stitch.

And no matter how hard it hurts, I won't quit.

In tears and sobs, I am rich.

But also, what if I'm not healing?

What if I keep myself hurting?

What if I don't forget, refuse to, and keep remembering.

Could I then have you, if I kept hurting, crying, begging? Stabbing?

Healing is fickle, I want to heal, but I don't. I suppose the pain reminds me of you,

you who I don't want to forget.

Life is very simple, yet complicated indeed.

You have to work your hardest to succeed,

but it's never hard enough you see.

In free speech, there is a law.

In free building and creation there is a saw.

You can love whoever you want, but only the person who is accepted.

You can tell your opinions, but only if it's precepted.

We are built into a system of believing we're free,

yet the people who knock on the edge of the glass are insane,

mundane

They need to be held at an arms length.

Trust nothing they say, for they rave to be sent away, fight with all their strength.

Even in your own head you are not free, not in control.

For you are bound by your heart's emotion, let out only to stroll

Pulled back in if you get to far, lets not be to hasty to run away my dear.

Your smile is controlled by your heart, even your tear.

You wish to get over the feelings you have, because in your mind you know they're not correct.

They are unaccepted, but you are just a subject.

Subjected to your hearts desires, not your minds.

You cover your feelings, close the blinds.

You don't want the people to know how you feel.

Pretend it's fake, it's not there, that it's not real

Then you finally accept your feelings, that's how they go away, right?

You scream the words out, fight the current, and your feeling you wright.

it's supposed to get rid of them. To make them disappear,

But you, you are wrong, I fear.

You see, just because you wright them out, and their out of your system,

that's just for one day. For all your wise and your wisdom.

You're are wrong again. Drying out a well isn't for long. It'll fill back up.

You'll drink and drink, but over flowing always is your cup.

Little child don't you see? You wright them to strangers to read.

But why don't you tell them to the person, instead of your bed.

You haven't told him that your obsessed, and have been for years. Oh, my baby.

You don't tell her that this is what you want, you don't fight, because maybe

just maybe it'll be alright. But my poor baby, no it won't.

They tell you that loving somebody is being able to let them go.

I suppose so

But why don't you fight? Fight tooth and nail until there is no chance to win?

Swim harder, up the current, against the stream, you can do it with only one fin.

I won't let you let go. But I also will.

because this, we all swallowed. One single pill.

To sit in silence. Even the wildest of hearts,

the ones who break apart.

They were silent also. Until they could no longer.

Until their heart was stronger.

And though my heart, it raves.

And though my love, it caves,

I cannot speak yet. For now I am to scared, and I am comfortable. In the pain,

in the drowning, in the constant aching. In the rain.

I am comfortable. Because I have learned, but not unlearned.

I have burned, but not unburned.

Romeo and Juliette could have made it, you know?

if they only had the time to let their hope grow.

If only had they waited a second more.

But they were just one second poor.

But tomorrow I'll speak up. I'll tell them how I feel, what I want.

Maybe I'll write it out in a cute font.

But for sure I'll do it tomorrow,

but my darling, we both know.

You know that moment before you jump? Before you make a decision that could affect your life in a major way.

How you can pull any guy within the first few minutes of meeting them. So you act weird, so your not just remembered as the cute girl at the supermarket, but rather somebody who actually was funny. Who'd best trait wasn't her looks. Because you don't want that.

Yet, you know this happens every time you meet a guy. But your so insecure. Think that you're ugly because every time somebody calls you pretty- if they ever do- it feels so backhanded. You can see the signs that a guy is interested in you, or likes you, or is crushing on you with nearly every guy. But where's all the friends? All the people who are just supposed to be there to talk to? Where's the guy who asks you out? Who actually learns what your favorite flower is? Where's the guy who realizes that even though you say your favorite color is scarlet, you have an extra soft spot for vert green. The deep green you find in the crayon packets, and that's why you buy so many crayons even though you hate coloring with them because they feel to waxy.

I want somebody who'll splash me with rain water, but kiss me before I can yell at him. Somebody who'll tell me flat out if I look bad in something, no fear, but will also not be to scared to say how pretty I look. A guy who'll mock me for doing something that I didn't even realize I did.

I want the type of love that's not really in the romance novels. When the guy buys you chocolate, when everything is perfect, when you always get along. The childhood friend, or the second chance ex. Or even the handsome stranger in the elevator.

I want the guy who'll bump into me one day, jokingly claim it was all my fault and try to walk away with the blame on me. The guy who's disrespectful, but also super kind. Who'll tease me for liking blueberry pancakes instead of chocolate chip, but will also go out of his way to make a blueberry pancake instead of plain ones.

I want a guy who'll tell me all of my faults, how I make him feel when he feels it. But will also help me grow. Uplift me through my failures, tell me that I can get through this. It's only a passing storm.

A person who I can fight with, but who'll always still be right there. Somebody who I can cuddle with at night, and sleep on his half of the bed even though we both said we'd sleep on our own sides. Somebody who'll tell me that wanting a motorcycle is dangerous, that I shouldn't ride. But who'll egg me on to go faster on the race track, but not to fast. The guy who'll buy another motorcycle right next to me so I'm not alone on the road.

I'm tired of pretending that I'm into the nice guys, because I'm honestly not.

Nice guys always stay a respectful distance away, so you can never tell if their interested or have a girlfriend. I want him to be all up in my face. To annoy me just so that he can make me laugh the very next minute and tell me that he knows I love him like an arrogant boy. Even when I claim not to, but he'll know I'm lying because he's got such a big ego, sometimes it just needs a little bruising.

I don't really want a nice guy, who'll talk about books and hold back on the flirting or joking, or making fun of. Sure I love talking about books. But I want to have the guy who asks why I'm such a nerd, just to read the book I finished last week. The guy who'll make fun of me for needing to have perfect grades and show me how to be a bit rebellious. Who'll challenge me on who can do better and faster. Even though we both already know it's going to be me, not because he's giving me the win like a nice guy would. But because I'm genuinely better.

I suppose what I'm saying is, I don't really want the guy my parents love. I want the one I see myself in. The guy my parents resent for being rebellious, but can't really prove it because he's respectful enough to get off the hook.

I love you, but you're not him. And I can't help but to compare.

When he's nervous he runs his hands through his hair until it points straight up. You just glance around the room. When he steals the rings from off my fingers, you're just barely noticing them. He'll turn off my computer, log me out. Just to annoy me when I have a smile on my face. You compliment my background,

Where he would add a flirty comment that kinda comes off as rude so nobody else will pick up on it, you're laughing humorlessly at my joke that I know you don't get. When he's making bets with ritz crackers because they're my favorite, your timidly asking me what my favorite food is. But he already knows. And he never asked.

Your eyes are blue, his are a light green. Like the fields in summer. Or the color of trees fresh leaves that just popped. Your hair is a fiery red, like flames. Like the color scarlet. But I think I prefer green now. His hair is gold, like the sun. Or golden fields.

Your growing taller than me, but his eyes are perfectly level with mine. You have glasses, but he has thick lashes that only appear if you look closely. you walk like a calm business man, but he swaggers like the teenagers we are. Bounces in his step non-chalantly, even though that's far from the truth. But you are non-chalant.

He would steal my umbrella, jump in a mud puddle to splash me, and them kiss me before running away laughing with an evil smirk. You would hold the umbrella over my head even though I love the rain. Walk me around the puddle even though I love looking at my self through them. You would frown at me, even though I just want somebody to laugh at my side. Even though laughter is my favorite sound.

I love you, but you are not him. I'm sorry.

Remember when you tried out for that job? That second of anticipation before you opened up the email to figure out whether or not you got it? Of course you did it tucked away from everybody else, because you were just checking. The few moments you let your face fall when they denied you the job.

Yet, you skipped out of your room. When I asked if you got the job you just shrugged, said nah, No biggie though. I wasn't the best option y'know? I'm glad they even considered me for the job. Then you smiled, cracked a joke and forgot about the whole thing.

But I kept wondering how you were able to brush it off so easily. I remember you stressing over the application, crossing your fingers through the entire interview. Tight enough that your knuckles turned white. I remember all your nervous remarks through the entire process.

I wanted to be just like you, able to brush off such an inconvenience with no thought except to smile. With only being grateful that you didn't get it. Claiming you only ever applied because it would look good on a college application in the future.

Yet, as the next year rolled around, and you applied for the same spot. Stressed over the application just a little more. Crossed your fingers a little tighter. Let the second of anticipation last a little longer, I wonder why. If it's really no biggie. Just something you can put on an application.

When you get the job this time, you jump squealing and excited. Thanking the Lord with all your heart. I can't help but to think, that maybe this job was a big deal. Being able to amount to whatever your sisters and brothers were. Being able to set a good path for your younger sister.

I wonder if you were just playing it off. Then again, maybe you did understand, and maybe you were simply grateful. But I also wish that you'd have told me what a big deal it truly was to you. Crying before being thankful is an option that I wish you knew.

You aren't mine. You never were.

Still I wish I had a claim on you.

But I have no reason to,

we're simply fighting for first place

we're simply just trying to be above the other.

Yet, if you asked with a please I would let you win

If you batter your lashes I would crumble.

If you're green eyes looked deep into my brown ones for a second longer

I would cave without thought.

Sometimes I wonder how you don't know how much I want you

How much effort it takes to not say anything

How hard it is to pretend not to be jealous of your new girlfriend.

The one that has it down for you, so I won't say anything.

How you don't see the yearning in my eyes when I meet your eyes

So, I'll watch you from a distance.

Watch your perfect blonde hair glint in the sunlight, to far away to see your eyes

Watch your little habits that somehow dug their way into my bones, heart, and soul.

Watch you laugh and joke, but to far away to hear exactly what they said.

Watch you from afar.

Because, though you are my crush, I can't say anything

I claim it's because your ego doesn't need another boost, but it's really because I'm scared

I will not say anything. I will simply watch from the sidelines,

I will not say anything. I will just continue to pretend to hate you.

I will not say anything. I will roll my eyes at anything you say instead.

Wanting to be yours, while you are three feet away.

Wanting to be yours, even as I say everything that contradicts that

Wanting to be yours, though you could never be mine.

Wanting to be yours, because at one point you were just the guy on the bus

Wanting to be yours, while you pretend to be rude, but you'll talk to me for hours.

Remembering, when we would just gossip about anything because we were just kids on a bus

Remembering, the time I first realized I had a crush on you

Remembering, when I decided that I would never tell you

Remembering, a time when maybe I would have, but not anymore

Remembering, how I could make you laugh, and smile a true smile and not a smirk.

Just because I will be yours so easily though, doesn't mean you'll be mine.

Just because I feel this way, doesn't mean you do to.

Just because I want this, doesn't mean you ever will

Just because I have spent everyday memorizing the sheen of your hair, doesn't mean you have

Just because I wish for you with every star, every 11 11, every dandelion, doesn't mean you do to.

You know that moment when you realize that you really, truly f'ed up? Like so bad that there probably is no way to fix it? And it took so long to ruin everything, but you didn't even think about it, you only thought about it after there was no way you could fix everything.

That moment when you realize that YOU were the bitch. In every situation. And you didn't even mean to. You just forgot to think. Because, shit, what did I even do?

Ok, so I'm writing this because I have nobody to tell it to, so enjoy the show I guess. There was this friend right? Like, probably the best I'll ever have. But we have such different personalities. And it worked out, like SO well. And I really messed up. Because there came another friend. A perfect copy and paste. Right there, different face, different smile and laugh. But the same personality. Same jokes. Everything.

And I lost the best friend I would ever have. And it's all my fault. I don't even know why, or how we really even fell apart. But it was bad. And I chose, when I shouldn't have.

It's hard to explain yourself to somebody who's the opposite of you, y'know? And that's the first mistake. Because we worked so well. God I wanna die right now.

Anyways, I never really went to go and fix our relationship. Mostly because if I reached out and she turned me down, what would I do then? As long as I didn't reach back out she couldn't turn me down. So there was always still a possibility of there being something there, y'know? But I didn't want to take that chance and accidently shatter such a fragile piece, the one that I wanted most.

And I really feel bad, because sometimes I would find myself wishing that the friend with the same personality was actually Sonny (let's call her that, and the other one is Bri, because why not??)

I never told anybody. I never said a thing. Just watched. Thought of how badly I wanted to go back and fix everything before it went back. Or reach out, but what if she said no? That was my next mistake. Not reaching out.

It's bene three years. God I wanna die. But, I can't go back now because I know nobody anymore. I got homeschooled. L. O. L. And let's say that me and Sonny started texting, y'know? But I think I waited to long. I ruined it. I destroyed it.

Even funnier? I'm pretty sure I liked Sonny more than, like a friend. But of course I would never go there because I'm 100% straight, y'know? And I feel bad for Bri, because I was friends with her when I really just wanted her to be Sonny.

Maybe I should just drop it all right? Maybe that would be smarter. But I have a thing where I hate bad blood. So I'm trying to fix it. And I don't think I can.

I've started looking back, and gods, why didn't I see everything before? Why didn't I just THINK for a minute? I want to go back, not to pick up where I left off. But to fix everything because there were so many moments. SO MANY people. Without me even thinking or realizing it. But I do now. And I can't go back. I want to fix so much, I left so much unbroken. So many people must hate me right now. And I wish I could hate them back, that would make it so much easier, y'know? But I can't. I wish I could disappear, or just be somebody else entirely. How can you mess up so badly without realizing it? How can you FIX it? Especially when you're not even around anymore? Why can't I just let it be? Why can't I just forget. I just want to restart. I want to forget it all. But the more I think about it, the more I remember. My gods, I've really messed up. There were so many little moments I want to take back because I accidently messed up so much.

So, anyway. That's my mind right now. Also sorry for not posting for a while, homeschooling really hits you harder than I thought it could. lol.

They say I'm the life of the party.

I laugh to much to be the smartie

that I'm to soft for a Harley.

It's hilarious to watch people get together

Say that you'll find one person to be with forever

but you're just watching everybody else find theirs in rough weather.

While I live for the adrenaline

Called the life of the party, but all you see in the mirror is a skeleton.

To smart to be feminine

Outsmart everybody, be talented in so many ways

counting down the days

til your very bones decay

Your called beautiful, to pretty to be real

but only by family, so to unbelief you kneel.

because every boy you've liked, doesn't like you, and you conceal

Every small crush

master killing off a flush

because any praise towards you is hushed

unspoken, unthought, but darling, if only you knew.

all the people who liked you, all the people who,

despite all, think your beautiful, like a star anew.

But they are to scared my dear darling

they think everybody must tell you, but that's what everybody's thinking

so nobodies ever speaking.

The only reason they hate on you,

is because they think it's what you need among all the admiring few

thinking you have enough compliments to get you through

They say blue eyed people get the best compliments, and your brown eyed, so that must be why.

but people won't compliment the blue eyes, in their heads they die

And your here, chasing a high

waiting for the one boy to call you something other than a whore.

even though you haven't kissed a boy or

even held one's hand because who wants the girl who's admired by so many? Surely none she can ignore.

admired by many, hated by many, and only known by a few

The love and life of life, of the party, but cries to

A beautiful girl who believes herself to be ugly, just a child, who's favorite color in life is blue

People always say to shoot for the stars. Go after your dreams because even if you miss the first time, you'll make it. But I don't believe them. Because I dream to live in the books you say are boring and to ride the dragons in the ink. I dream to have a world that nobody but me believes in. So, tell me to shoot for the stars again, I bet I won't ever make it.

I want to write without a poem,

but prose is to hard to write my feelings in.

My thoughts usually don't come in complete sentences,

and when they do, they hurt.

I want somebody to listen

but I'm tired of looking for somebody.

I want somebody to help me through

but I don't want to be a burden.

I want to be confident

but they only told me what is wrong with me

I want to be told I'm pretty,

but they only remembered that I was the smart one.

I want to live life to the fullest

but I'm to tired to move from my room

I want to love

but I'm afraid I've been broken one to many times.

I want to escape in a book

but I don't want to have to draw away from it

I want to write a story,

but I'm scared other people won't like it.

I want to listen to music,

but mom says I listen all the time and I need to take a break.

I want to wear what I want

but these insecurities weigh me down.

I want to be helpful and nice

but that could get me killed.

I want parents to show up to concerts on time

but they're always just a little to busy

I want a quiet home

but there's always a little to much stress and we're all drowning

I want to be more than the smart one in class

but that's all I ever am

I want to be more than just the cute friend

but once your labeled it's hard to rip the sticker off.

I want to be than just the funny friend

but I can't help but make jokes.

I want to know what people actually think about me

but they always pretend, even when I beg for the truth.

I want to be more than the writer

but I'm no good at getting people to listen when I speak

I want to be the younger sibling that I was born to be

but I know more than my older siblings and they look up to me.

I want to be MORE than just the silly aunt that is awkward

but I don't know how

I want to be the person that they want to hang around

but I'm to loud.

I want to tell people what I'm feeling,

but then I feel like I'm just trying to play victim somehow, even when I'm truly hurt.

I want to show you my cuts,

but I'm scared you'll poison my blood.

I want to be the person they choose first,

but I'm left alone until something happens.

I want to be told things,

but somehow I'm always seven steps behind.

I want to tell stuff outright,

but I've only been good at answering questions fast

I want to be able to read minds, make life easier

but I'm only good at reading books and straight A report cards.

I want to get out of here and be older

but I don't want to miss out on high school year

I want to pretend I'm older, I'm mature,

but I'm still just a kid behind a screen.

I want to be known for more than I am now

but people will always come to see me as the one way I always am.

I want to go back to how things were

but mom says it's for the best not to.

I want my parents to listen

but they're always right, even when they don't know.

I want to have SOMETHING to hold onto forever, a comfort

but nothing lasts forever.

I want and I wish. But in the end I'm just the barely teenager who doesn't know about the real world. Who can't make decisions for herself. Just the dumb teenager who barely understands her feelings and won't share them because she doesn't want to overshare and be a burden. The teenager who's told to tell how she feels and what she thinks, when in the end they're used as a weapon against her. And if mom doesn't agree with it she'll just scream until you give up. After blowing birthday candles and dandelions, eleven-eleven on the clock. You realize they were just that. Just candles and fire, just flower seeds, just a time. And your still the teenager who tried to get a job at fourteen, who won't share for fear of being yelled at, who won't scream because she doesn't want to be to loud. Just a vessel full of words she wishes she could speak as it rises like a storm inside. But it only gets let out on journals that burn in fireplaces so nobody can read them. Released in stories and poems that you hope nobody and somebody would read at the same time. In the very end, you are just the teenager who hopes adult hood is better, who wishes she could go back and say no. Who wonders why she wanted to grow up so fast. In the end, your just the teenager behind the screen trying to pretend your alright. A smile fastened on so perfect, so pasted. Your just a teenager who had to learn about the world to fast, who had the responsibilities of an adult, but you don't know enough about the real world. Just a middle schooler who's looking forward to freshman year next year like that will change something. Who wants to be let out of the house and go to public school again. Somebody who wants to go back out and find something that she will probably never find. For every shooting star, coin in the fountain, wish bone and sky lantern. You realize that's what they are. A dying star, wasted money, a dead animal, and a light faded with time and space. Sold off like they were worth something. In the end, your just a teenager.