tired again

i'm tired again

tired of living,

of wondering what the point of all of this is

and hoping that the day when i can just

stop

comes soon.

things are different now

compared to last time

but patterns continue to repeat:

instability in my family

instability in my friends

and again i'm supposed to just take it.

to take on the family burdens,

friends' struggles,

and also manage my own unstable life.

i've at least found someone who somewhat understands me,

who supports me in ways i've never had before.

but anxiety keeps me cautious,

i don't want to lose them

and don't want to weigh them down with my own problems.

it's enough that they've offered,

right?

it doesn't feel like it's enough,

but they aren't my therapist

and i shouldn't go to them for everything.

it's just another wave of depression,

this too shall pass.

but what if it doesn't?

am i so incapable of taking care of myself?

it's not the right time,

don't bother them just because you're upset

you can handle it, keep quiet and deal with it yourself

stop procrastinating and focus on your work.

bad habits, trauma responses

what's right?

what's wrong?

is it right for me to ask for support?

is it wrong of me to feel like i can't do anything by myself?

trauma, more trauma

stirring up undiagnosed PTSD

and i'm back in the past-

helpless at the mercy of others,

but there's no mercy to give to me.

no, i'm here and things are different.

stop shaking,

stop trembling,

stop thinking about it.

can i please stop now?

can i leave?

please let me go.

let me be happy without you in my life.

i want to be happy again,

don't want to feel this way again-

but for now,

i'm tired again

tired of living,

of wondering what the point of all of this is...