Time starts now. What to write, what to say? Too little time to do what I need to be doing. Time is precious, yet I feel like I've wasted lots of mine. Procrastination, determination, endurance. Struggle to the end. I'm fighting a battle against time and I'm not sure if I can win. I've done this to myself, set the bar too high with not enough dedication to achieve. But the deadline steadfastly approaches, ready or not it comes. I want to take a break, but I can't do so in good conscience. I've already allowed myself too many breaks. I need to sit down and study. The MCAT is no joke and I switch between feeling confident in my ability to succeed and absolutely devastated at my lack of motivation and progress. I've set my own pace and it's time to follow through. I'm tired, it's too late and I don't want to. Excuses, reasons, it doesn't matter. The point is I'm avoiding responsibility and allocating it to something else. I don't want to spend time blaming myself for what I should've done, the past is the past and I can't let it impede the present and future time I have remaining. I have too much to fulfill on my plate. MCAT is just one thing, but I also need to find a new job, need to find a new apartment, need to plan for applying to med school. These things conflict, worried about too many things at the same time. All arguably equally valid, it's hard to set my priorities straight. Time is my enemy and I don't have much time left. I need to focus on what I can do now that so much time has passed, figure out a plan to make up for lost time. Before it's too late. I don't know what else to do, things have been like this for me since I can remember, a cycle of grinding and burning out. Tried to change, but it doesn't stick. I know this is unhealthy, unhelpful, detrimental to my physical and mental wellbeing. Yet it feels like I can't help but be addicted to the rush of adrenaline, the stress of it all. It's how I've lived my life for so long, it makes me feel worse when I'm not stressed. I don't know why I'm writing this when I should be sleeping, studying, doing a number of other tasks. But it's a welcome distraction from the other things I have going on.

i'm tired again

tired of living,

of wondering what the point of all of this is

and hoping that the day when i can just

stop

comes soon.

things are different now

compared to last time

but patterns continue to repeat:

instability in my family

instability in my friends

and again i'm supposed to just take it.

to take on the family burdens,

friends' struggles,

and also manage my own unstable life.

i've at least found someone who somewhat understands me,

who supports me in ways i've never had before.

but anxiety keeps me cautious,

i don't want to lose them

and don't want to weigh them down with my own problems.

it's enough that they've offered,

right?

it doesn't feel like it's enough,

but they aren't my therapist

and i shouldn't go to them for everything.

it's just another wave of depression,

this too shall pass.

but what if it doesn't?

am i so incapable of taking care of myself?

it's not the right time,

don't bother them just because you're upset

you can handle it, keep quiet and deal with it yourself

stop procrastinating and focus on your work.

bad habits, trauma responses

what's right?

what's wrong?

is it right for me to ask for support?

is it wrong of me to feel like i can't do anything by myself?

trauma, more trauma

stirring up undiagnosed PTSD

and i'm back in the past-

helpless at the mercy of others,

but there's no mercy to give to me.

no, i'm here and things are different.

stop shaking,

stop trembling,

stop thinking about it.

can i please stop now?

can i leave?

please let me go.

let me be happy without you in my life.

i want to be happy again,

don't want to feel this way again-

but for now,

i'm tired again

tired of living,

of wondering what the point of all of this is...

I'm scared to lose my friends;

Always have been, always will be.

But something has changed recently.

A realization, that maybe it's not my friends who will leave me,

But that I might leave my friends.

And that scares me even more.

I don't want to lose my friends,

But lately, I haven't been connecting with one of my oldest friends.

She's been with me through thick and thin,

For the past ten years and counting.

And I don't want to lose her.

But each interaction, each conversation,

I feel like I'm getting further and further away from her.

We've always been very different from one another,

A fact that I used to respect, cherish even.

She exposed me to a whole new world,

One I wouldn't have been aware of without her.

But at what point do differences tear apart a relationship?

We seem to argue over the simplest things,

Can't come to an agreement, just agree to disagree.

We've had different experiences,

So I can't blame her for not understanding my perspective at times.

But lately it feels like I can't even share my opinion

Without her getting defensive, ready to fight me.

We're both too stubborn for our own good,

Her even more so.

And honestly, I'm getting tired of it now.

Tired of the arguing, the battling.

I hate that we're so different from each other now.

The fact that we've both changed, but in different directions.

The things that used to hold us together are fading,

And I start to wonder,

"What's the point of us anymore?"

Is it desperation that keeps us connected now,

A longing for the past and what used to be?

Or hope that we can reconnect,

When all signs are pointing to the negative?

I don't want to leave,

To lose connection with her,

But I'm scared that the thought has even crossed my mind.

That I might not want to continue this friendship with her,

That some day, I might decide that it's not worth it anymore;

A tragedy that's been in progress over the span of ten years,

Is there a happy ending to our story together?

it's happening again;

gravity is weighing me down,

dragging me below the depths

and i don't know if i have the strength to fight back anymore.

i tried to stay strong,

tried to be resilient,

but only managed to stay apathetic.

and now even apathy is drowned by the waves of depression.

awareness of my situation only makes it worse,

the constant struggle to stay afloat

when my life keeps spiraling out of control.

trying to stay positive,

but there's nothing positive

about your parents calling 911

on your older brother,

worried that he's going to kill himself.

about having to go to work the next day,

pretending that nothing is wrong

with leaving that brother at home alone.

about stressing over if you can leave him alone over the weekend

just to celebrate your birthday

or if he's going to do something to himself.

about feeling guilty for talking to friends about the situation,

so you don't talk to anyone,

and only manage to feel worse and worse.

i'm so tired of fighting,

so tired of having to be strong.

i kind of want to die too,

but no one even knows.

i wish that i could disappear

without hurting anybody,

but that's not possible.

so i remain here,

trapped in my prison of flesh.

i'm tired

of all the little things

of all the big things

of events happening around me that are out of my control

yet still threaten to topple the foundations of the life i've built so far.

of uncertainty and anxiety

of numbness and depression

of feeling like my needs and desires don't matter

in the face of expectations from my family.

of parents venting to me,

of siblings yelling at me,

of friends not reaching out to me,

of feeling alone in this vast world.

of having to keep building myself up

when life tries so hard to push me back down.

of re-experiencing trauma

when i'm struggling to get by day to day.

of having to be empathetic to others

even though i'm the one who's hurting.

i'm tired of living,

but i need to force myself to keep going.

Being without fear:

Fearlessness or foolishness?

But to walk past fear-

To journey onwards

Though we know not the future-

Bravery, courage.

Be not without fear;

Instead, act despite the fear

Weighing upon you.

Find your own courage

Beyond the frightful unknown,

Freedom and strength merged.

It lingers in the remnants of past memories shared-

The curvature of their smile,

The sound of their laughter.

Of long nights talking over the phone,

And days hanging out together.

It exists in the desire for them to be happy-

Even though it's not with you,

Even though it hurts to know that they'll move on.

And you'll never forget how happy they made you,

Or how lonely it was when they left.

It lives on through the next person-

In the gestures that made you fall in love with them,

In the sides of them that you didn't see.

And the love is recycled by you,

To be renewed by the person that they love.

Forgotten, but not lost.

Unsteady foundations, a result of an unstable upbringing.

Yet this is the hand I've been dealt,

No complaints will change that.

So I resolutely set about forging the blueprints to a happy ending.

Heavily influenced by societal standards,

I invest into my education, into my financial status, into socials.

Believing, hoping, praying that I'm choosing the right path.

I painstakingly work up the base,

Trying to find sturdy bricks that form some semblance of stability.

A strong support system, a steady career path, a solid educational background-

All of which are difficult to cement,

Even more so given that the mortar has already been contaminated.

But without a stone establishment, even a minute tremble threatens collapse

For the threadbare outlines of the life I've built for myself.

A slight tremor disrupts the sand,

And so it crumbles.

No time to be cautious, no time to predict what lies in the future-

I charge forward blindly,

Ignoring the shaking architecture and fallen structures,

Stubbornly rebuilding what has already been destroyed.

For I am not allowed to give up, to give in

As desperately as I may want to.

And I must continue to build-

With a foundation where one misstep can topple the entire network-

As if the sand were stone.

An enchanting sight,

The beauty of the setting sun

Staining the tapestry of white clouds woven in the sky

Into vibrant shades of orange, purple, and pink.

A breath of fresh air, of new hope for a better future.

I bask in the final rays of light before night falls,

Savoring the warmth that seeps into my skin, my soul.

And as I watch the sun fade away beyond the horizon,

I'm not afraid of the night.

I'm not afraid of the stormy days to come.

Not anymore.

For now I remember:

There is more to life than rain and thunder,

Than darkness and fear.

And I am so grateful to the clouds that floated into my life,

Who reintroduced me to color and hope and warmth.

If I dig too hard,

I fear the madness that lies on the other side.

For what is beyond closed doors

Is not unknown to me;

Rather, I am intimately familiar with the shadows lurking in my mind.

I catch glimpses of them in the panes of my soul,

Darkness and depravity

Watching.

Waiting.

For as much as I know them, they too know me.

They know how I think, how I feel,

How curiosity bids me to seek out places better left untouched.

My morbid desires to destroy myself,

To disappear to the unknown, lost.

"Stay, stay with us," my friends insist.

"Don't leave us," my family demands.

I obey, a puppet to the expectations of others.

Yet still I linger on the brink,

Longing for the day where I can cut loose my strings

And detach from reality,

Never to return.

For it is surely madness that fuels such desperate yearning.

And I am terrified of opening those gates,

Of letting my demons drive me to the depths of insanity,

Where I cannot recognize right and wrong, up and down.

Where I failed to become free,

Forever a slave, even in my last moments.