i don’t want to win

It's always a contest

in the darkness of my mind.

I'm always scheming,

planning,

trying to find a way to win.

Of course,

the contest is only real

inside of me.

No one else knows

what thoughts are swirling.

I use this contest

to make myself happy.

But it does the opposite.

I retreat further and

further,

into myself.

I let my emotions run

rampant,

but keep them contained.

I used to be the kind of girl

who would write a poem

about how she felt

and show it to whoever

made her feel

the way the poem described.

Now,

I can't even

admit half

the thoughts I have

even to a pad of paper.

I've been in this contest

since I can remember.

But what if winning

means losing myself?

Every shred

of who I used to be.

Because winning this

wretched contest,

pretending like I don't care,

like everything in the world is perfect,

might just cost me everything.