No.

I said

But his hands kept moving.

No

I said

But his lips kept burning

mine.

No

I thought

But my thoughts couldn't be heard.

He got what he wanted

Even if it hurt me.

And I'm left wondering what I did wrong.

He found my social media.

He messaged me.

You know what I said?

Thank you.

I thanked him for what he did.

He asked for reassurance

And I provided.

So now the no's are all drowned out

By my stupid thank you

Because I couldn't stand up for myself the one time that it mattered.

No.

there's this guy that i talked to for less than a week a while back.

he started talking to another girl shortly after and disappeared from my life for the most part.

i wasn't that upset, to be honest, or at least i didn't think i was.

until i found myself hating her purely because he was in love with her.

but it was also kind of because she used him.

she was never interested in him.

she just didn't want to be alone while she was going through a rough patch with her boyfriend of two years.

anyways, he's back now that she's out of the picture.

i like talking to him and hanging out with him.

i even let him keep me out of the house until four am.

that's how much i don't want him to leave again.

he says he's not leaving, and i guess i want to believe him.

but something keeps me holding on to him.

too tight.

he's going to get sick of me,

if he hasn't already,

and i don't want him to go again.

i gave pieces of myself i've never let anyone have before, to him.

i bared my soul to him without words.

i don't think he realizes how much it means to me.

but he tells me he's here, so i go with it.

i pretend that i believe he's actually going to be ready for a relationship with me sometime soon.

i pretend that he wants more than my body.

i pretend i'm not killing myself slowly

caring about a guy who only wants me physically.

The ghost of him still haunts me.

His smell follows me through the house we used to share, as I dance in the silence of the frigid, snowy evening.

It's been two years since he left, but I kept all the things that he bought, still in their places throughout our dream house. I pick up the vase of flowers he brought me home after my big promotion. They're dried, but I can't get rid of them.

I lean in to smell them, as I've done a thousand times before, but something is different this time. The fresh flower smell has returned. Come to think of it, they look a little brighter and more alive today, too.

I put the vase back down, and turn in a circle, analyzing every detail. The house is brighter somehow, like a filter has been pulled over my eyes, making everything appear sparkly and new.

And then he walks into the living room, from where he was poking his head around the corner in the kitchen. He's smiling, holding a bouquet of flowers in his hands.

My face brightens up, and I run into his arms, yelling his name and other senseless things all the way. "Brandon! I missed you so much, I love you Bandon, please never leave again. I hate it when you're gone!"

"Okay, okay, calm down. I love you, Catie." He lifts me up, and looks in my eyes for a long moment, until I start tearing up. Then he starts tearing up too and leans in to press his mouth to mine. "Look what you did, you made a blubbering mess of me. Promise once you stop crying now it can just be happy from now on. I hate the tears."

"This is happy," I say. "Because you're my happiness." I smile at him, and he leans in to kiss me again, still holding me tight in his arms.

And then I feel the shock. The buzzer that lets me know the memory is ending, that I'm being pulled back into reality.

I feel the orderlies' hands grabbing my arms, pulling me out of the seat, and then the helmet comes off. I can feel my hair sticking up, and when the big lady, Tabitha, I think her name is, tries to matt it down, I feel the shock from the static electricity.

"You did great today, Catie. You didn't fight once." I roll my eyes. Maybe it's because seeing Brandon in a memory-dream world is better than the reality o never seeing him again.

After being in a memory, everything in the real world feels so much... more. Sensations are more intense, colors are more saturated, lights are brighter, everything is louder.

The cuff I have to wear all the time goes back on my wrist, today without a fight.

The doctor was told to isolate my happiest memory for today's session, and I'm feeling numb now. I feel alone, and I don't have the energy to fight against the orderlies.

I miss Brandon so intensely after my sessions. It's been two hundred eighty-three days since I last saw him, and every day they make me feel a little less like I'll ever see him again.

I was broken, but I didn't let him keep me down.

I knew all along that there would come a time when he wouldn't be around.

Yet I stayed; I allowed him to hurt me,

until pain and regret and emptiness were the only things I could see.

Rebuilding took some time.

I had to find the motivation to remove everything "him" from my mind.

But it was worth it after all,

because one day, a stranger smiled at me as I walked through the hall;

a stranger that I had met before, but never gotten to know.

And I never saw it coming;

never could have imagined all the places we would go.

I know it's called falling in love for a reason,

but I never imagined it would feel like the change of a season.

One minute, it's just fun- laughing and joking all the time,

and the next, I'm stuck endlessly writing love notes,

pouring my heart out in every line.

I've always wanted to find someone like you-

gentle, kind, you always know what to do

to make me happy, excited, even a little nervous.

You pull me under, lost in love, never wanting to resurface.

One look in your deep brown eyes,

and I'm lost again.

But lost with you isn't the same as it was before;

now, there's no pain

in your long embrace,

no feeling telling me that the end

could come at any second.

With you, everything feels fresh and fun,-

and I keep catching myself thinking

that maybe you're the one.

Because you're the one who understands me,

supports me,

treats me like I'm the only girl you see.

You're loyal,

you're never hanging out with other girls,

and I may be insecure,

but when I am, you're sure to remind me

that I come first.

There's a knock at the door. As usual, no one is there.

Must be some kind of prank.

The usual assumption, but something's different today.

There's an eerily familiar scent; like the sort of like the cologne my grandfather would wear.

I lie down in bed. It's already nine.

Past my bedtime, I joke to myself.

Getting comfy, I wiggle in the bed a little bit, reveling in the comfort of sleeping alone.

Turning out the bedside lamp, I turn over, and that's when I see it.

My grandfather's corpse is tucked in, staring at me through the darkness.

Dear reader,

I wish I could tell you that you're going to survive this,

but sometimes it is best to hold onto ignorance until the very end.

I wish I could tell you that none of this had ever happened,

that your family would live at least a decade longer,

happy and healthy.

But it is with heavy heart that I inform you,

They've all disappeared.

What's left of them is just bones

compared to what they used to be to you.

Little Monty was in the most pain when he died.

He suffered from burns,

bruises and contusions,

a stab wound to the back,

and eventually hurt so bad

that he took his own life.

Brandon disappeared.

No call, no text,

off the grid.

I pray he doesn't hurt.

John broke off his four month relationship

because he was tired.

He was tired of everything inside his head,

and he was tired of you feeling like it was your problem.

Chris ran out of options.

He thought his life was falling apart,

at the ripe old age of 17,

so he started to isolate himself.

And Thomas,

Thomas just didn't want to complicate things for you.

So he took himself out of the equation.

Thomas didn't want to hurt you or himself.

All these people-

your family-

they're dead to you right now.

And I know that because I'm your heart.

They might be dead to you right now,

and some of them may never be coming back,

but maybe one day,

you can forgive them.

If only for a moment.

If only I had one more day to spend with you-

I don't know what exactly I'd do,

but I know I'd do anything you asked me to do.

I would run away with you forever,

if it meant you wouldn't walk away.

And if I had one more day to be by your side,

I'd never leave it, even for a second.

My eyes would be glued to you,

same with my arms- you'd never be able to leave.

And if I had one more day to tell you what you meant to me,

I'd write you poem after poem,

because you could never resist me when I did.

You kept them folded up in your wallet,

and now, I wonder, if you kept them.

But nonetheless, I'd write you so many,

your pockets would overflow

with the love I never anticipated an ending for.

And if I could love you for just one more day,

without being clingy,

or holding onto hope for too long,

I would put every single thought into you.

I would manifest my love for you into everything I said and did.

I would reassure you when you didn't ask for it,

I would get down on my hands and knees and pray to the Lord

that you never leave.

But most of all,

I'd hold onto you so tight,

that you could never let go,

or even want to.

Right now,

even a room full of people

can't make me feel

less alone.

I need someone,

something,

to distract my thoughts,

but no one can see that.

They don't see

that I'm drowning;

that my head is under water,

and I can't lift it above,

I can't save myself

this time.

I know that you're still there,

that if I need you, you'll come back to me,

if only for a moment.

But what you don't understand,

is that I need you all the time;

every second of every day.

I need the comfort you bring,

especially right now,

in a time when I can't find any peace.

I need the love you hold in our heart,

even if you're saving it for her,

if she ever decides to come back.

I need the genuine care

that I found behind your eyes,

the day I really saw you for the first time.

I just need you.

Because it feels like I won't survive this fight

without you.