My Life is You <3
I feel selfish for reaching out to you again.
Maybe we're better off without each other.
I don't think I'm ever going to find out.
I spend every day thinking about why I can't be happy with him.
It's because I'll always love you.
I used to think you were the one before the one.
Not anymore, because now I'm sure you're THE one.
I can never stop thinking about you.
I can't stop dreaming about you at night.
And I definitely can't stop missing you.
After all this time, I'd still give anything.
I would do absolutely anything to spend forever with you.
Sleeping here by myself,
I have some of the best dreams,
where you and I are still in love,
not just on each other's teams.
But some nights,
sleeping by myself gets scary.
All of my darkest thoughts and all the memories come up,
reminding me of all that I alone, must carry.
Sleeping alone means that you're not here,
you're not by my side, holding me in your arms.
Instead you're out there somewhere,
while I'm here hiding from the dark.
And yes, I always sleep by myself nowadays,
but you're finally back and we're talking again
and I'd stay friends like this forever if it means you'd stay,
because I need you in my life constantly, not just now and then.
I know I'm being unfair, going to sleep without a goodnight, while he lies awake,
and I hope that he doesn't realize that the one who gets my goodnight texts is you.
But I can't help thinking I'd run back to you any day you want,
because for you, there's nothing I wouldn't do.
I fail
When you said that I fail every time,
I knew in the moment that you were just mad.
But I couldn't help thinking about how right you were.
I've trusted people I knew all along
were only going to bring me down.
I've loved people I shouldn't have, I still do.
And some people, I just can't let go of.
I forgive,
even when the situation doesn't call for it.
I hope,
even though I know I'm setting myself up for diappointment.
And I don't do the best in school,
because sometimes deadlines and pressure
cause panic attacks.
When you said that I fail all the time,
I knew you were right.
But that doesn't make it hurt less,
especially coming from you.
This is why I'm not giving him up for you.
Not because I don't love you enough,
but because I can't keep sabotaging my life
for someone who isn't consistent enough
to even text me back in 48 hours.
If you proved to me that you would stay,
at least longer than our record of three weeks,
then I would say goodbye to him,
even though he treats me right and I love him.
I would give forever with him up
just for the promise that I'd get three weeks with you.
That's how much I love you.
But you text me like you like me still one day,
and ignore me for the next three.
I can't keep being your puppet.
So I'll stay with him.
And try to be happy.
The realest one
In public,
I am successful and educated.
I know right from wrong,
and I stay away from the things that are not
good
for me and the life I want to live.
My private life, is more complicated.
I struggle,
never knowing if what I am currently doing
and what I plan on doing,
will be enough.
I doubt every move I make,
and I'm anxious all the time.
But my secret life-
the one that no one knows about,
and I fail to acknowledge exists most of the time,
is the one in which I mourn.
Only then can I express the feelings that weigh me down,
burden my soul.
My most real life-
is my secret life.
Even though I desperately wish it weren't.
You and me belong together
The thought of you and me together
is all I need to fall asleep content each night.
It's been a while since I've been with someone for this long,
and I've never been with someone that felt so right.
You've pulled me out of my hole of darkness,
the void that I built for myself all this time,
and turned my world into a dreamland
where there's never sadness, only light.
You made me believe in love again,
after giving up because of failed attempts.
I learned what true love is,
and how it doesn't always have to feel like the end.
You've shown me how a man should treat a woman;
you're gentle and kind, but can also be silly.
And that he should do things you like to do
without a fight, because if he loves you, it's unnecessary.
I feel like I finally found someone who understands me.
Even in the times when I don't want to talk about it,
you're the one I want to vent to.
I want you to know the story; every last bit.
I love you.
You truly are the best I've ever had.
I've never been able to see myself growing old with someone,
and I've definitely never wanted that future this bad.
Growth
You've become a fairytale to me,
someone perfect that I made up in my head
You're the one that I got stuck on,
but weren't meant to be in the end.
And don't get me wrong, you are a good guy,
romantic, with so much potential
But every time I opened up to you
it was all the same; the way you fall is sequential.
You pull me in with your charm,
tell me that this time you're here to stay
But everything you feel is so temporary,
while I knew that about you, I'd always feel the same.
The last time you left, you ripped open my chest,
shattered my heart like a bullet at point blank
And I've screamed out for you in times of desperate need,
but your problems are so loud, you don't hear a sound I make.
It was always supposed to be you,
until I was hurting and you were MIA
And that night I spent alone caused me to grow,
while you remained a boy, still exactly the same.
So if you ever learn how to love,
I hope you'll understand why I did it
I didn't stop loving you,
I just couldn't keep being the only one fighting.
The climb
Every day that goes by is another day I live longer than one of my best friends from middle and high school. He struggled with mental health from the age of 9. That's generally what happens when you have slight Asperger's syndrome, go to public school, are so super intelligent that some kids can't keep up with how fast you talk, you have divorced parents, two sisters to feel responsible for, and an abusive dad that you live with half of every year.
This friend was very dear to my heart, since I have siblings and family members with autism and other disorders that affect your ability to do anything having to do with other people. I would have protected him with my life had I known he was hurting so much. I'd have tracked down every bully, gotten him some much needed help to deal with his dad, anything he needed, I'd have done it.
I was his confidant. He had sworn me to secrecy, and as a person who cared about him so much, I kept my oath. He would come to school and tell me about what his dad had done this time. He'd lay his head on my shoulder, and I'd tell him I was there for him, that everything was going to be alright. I treated him like my own flesh and blood. It was almost as if he was.
I caught wind a few months before what he did that he had a crush on me. He told one of his gay friends, knowing that she would support him all the way. She accidentally let the secret out though, and he was confronted by another useless bully about how he could never have a real relationship with a girl, and, as an added bonus, made a joke about out of everyone, why her? All I focused on in his one moment of true need, was tha fact that I was also being put down. I wasn't there for him like I should have been. I didn't support him, like I always swore I would.
Then a few weeks later, schools were closed indefinitely. Everyone was told to stay home, and not to go see anyone. Seeing as it was his dad's week, he was now stuck alone with his dad in the house for weeks. I told him everything would be fine, just to try and stay calm and mind his own business, so that nothing bad would happen with his dad. God, I should have told someone. I just let him go off and be trapped with his mentally and physically abusive jack of a dad.
I didn't have a phone, so I couldn't communicate with many people back then. Just the one person I had a phone number for. I looked him up in an old fashioned phone book, trying desperately to find a way to talk to him. I went walking in his neighborhood, hoping I would happen to run into him. I never did.
Then virtual school started. He was there. And nothing looked wrong. So I though he was okay. We emailed through our school account, and talked like nothing was wrong. He would tell me about how things were, and I'd tell him the latest drama with my sister. We both enjoyed our time chatting in our free time. It became a habit.
School was partially opened back up by the winter time. We were so excited because we'd both be at school at the same time, since our last names were close together. We got to ride the bus to our fancy smart people magnet school together (he clearly belonged there, but had to help me with everything, but I was not the brightest in the room, ever. In fact, it was him. He was always the smartest).
We would sit on the bus with our masks covering most of our faces, and talk. Just like old times. And that's when he decided to tell me that it was getting bad with his dad again. He told me it had been rough, but that he was handling it. Until his dad started drinking again. Then it got much, much worse than I was ever around to hear about. I didn't know what to do. I told a friend, without using names, and asked what she thought I should do. She told me to listen to him, to keep his secret until he was ready to tell someone. I didn't want to, because I knew my friend was hurting, mentally and physically, but I listened. I told no one after that.
One day we sat on the bus talking about what we wanted to study in college, what we wanted to be when we grew up. This was a day that we had a very hard math lesson. I, of course, understood none of it, and he was acing the practice tests already. That's when he told me he wanted to be a math teacher. He wanted to teach a program like the one we were in, because our teacher inspired him. I thought he would make an amazing teacher, and I told him that. He coughed a little after telling me that, so I scooted away slightly, not in a mean way, just in a covid social distancing kind of way.
He didn't come to school the next day, so I assumed he was sick. Then the weekend went by, and he wasn't in school monday or tuesday either. I assumed he was quarantined, and that he was sleeping, so that was why I hadn't heard from him. I didn't really think too deep about it. On tuesday night, I was sitting at the table doing my homework, like a responsible high school honors student, and I get a notification on my computer. It made a loud ding, since my volume was on, so my mom heard it, being a few feet away in the kitchen.
I read the message, from one of my friends who is known for being very goofy, always cracking some joke or another, sometimes very dark humor jokes.
The message said "abby did u hear what happened to m (not full name for privacy)?
I responded "no what"
She said "he's gone abby. he committed."
At first, I didn't know what she meant. I was mostly a sheltered child, and I hadn't been getting the full high school experience thus far, so I had no idea what that meant. So I responded, "what? theft?" with a laughing emoji.
She took a long time (only a few minutes but not instantly like the other messages) to respond to that one. When she did, she said, "abby i'm going to say it like this so you understand. he died. suicude. yesterday."
I read that message over and over again, even weeks after that. In the moment, I just stared at it, not able to move. I guess my mom noticed the look on my face, because she asked me what happened. I told her I needed some air. I went outside and my dad was setting a fire to burn some wood. So I went out and sat in front of it for hours, staring at the flames, thinking about him, our last conversation, his face; hoping I'd never forget a single part of him.
All of this to say, to this day, I'm not the same person I was before he was gone, but I know now how I should go about helping someone who is struggling, or at least what not to do.
And I've blamed myself so many times in the three and a half years since he's been gone, but I've learned how to cope with that pain also.
The biggest thing I've learned through all of this is that you never know what people are going through, even if you think they're telling you. Some battles can't be fought without a little courage, and giving someone that little push or glimmer of hope can save their life.
I hope that if I come across anyone else in my lifetime who struggles with some burden or weight, that I can help them carry it, or at least unload just a fraction of the baggage to make the climb possible.
It was never you
You and I have never worked out.
We've tried, and we love each other,
but it always ends eventually-
maybe we just weren't meant to be forever.
But the day I met him,
the guy who has become the love of my life,
was the day I truly started to question
every thought that goes through my mind at night.
I always thought we'd keep going back to each other,
that we would never really end,
but I realized that there are different plans in action for my life;
and that you will either be nothing, or you'll just have to be my friend.
The night this all hit me
is always present in the back of my mind;
it's the night I realized
what it feels like to meet the one I was meant to find.
Forever
When I picture myself happiest,
I see you holding my hands,
spinning me around our little kitchen,
admiring our brand-new wedding bands.
I see us falling more and more in love
with each new thing we learn about each other.
We tell each other secrets we've never said out loud,
knowing that we'll protect each other's forever.
And in this reality, the dancing goes on and on.
We pause and I look into your deep brown eyes.
I tell you how much I love you,
and that no matter what happens, you're the ultimate prize.
You would spin me around some more,
as we both take in this new, married life.
We know how much we mean to each other,
and that we'll be content for the rest of life.
You'd be my home and my world,
but mostly, my love.
And as long as we have each other, and a place of peace and solitude,
we'll always have enough.