spiraling

it's happening again;

gravity is weighing me down,

dragging me below the depths

and i don't know if i have the strength to fight back anymore.

i tried to stay strong,

tried to be resilient,

but only managed to stay apathetic.

and now even apathy is drowned by the waves of depression.

awareness of my situation only makes it worse,

the constant struggle to stay afloat

when my life keeps spiraling out of control.

trying to stay positive,

but there's nothing positive

about your parents calling 911

on your older brother,

worried that he's going to kill himself.

about having to go to work the next day,

pretending that nothing is wrong

with leaving that brother at home alone.

about stressing over if you can leave him alone over the weekend

just to celebrate your birthday

or if he's going to do something to himself.

about feeling guilty for talking to friends about the situation,

so you don't talk to anyone,

and only manage to feel worse and worse.

i'm so tired of fighting,

so tired of having to be strong.

i kind of want to die too,

but no one even knows.

i wish that i could disappear

without hurting anybody,

but that's not possible.

so i remain here,

trapped in my prison of flesh.