I don’t know how I feel about him

When I was young he would yell me at a lot, for a lot of reasons. I would cry, and he would yell more. I would say something that any stupid kid would say without thinking, and he would yell instead of calmly correcting me.

I had to have been about eight so. For some damn reason, he was making me do a lot of cleaning (even though I didn't cause the mess, but most of it was my older brother). I was unhappy, so I was frowning. He raised his voice and said "Smile."

There were tears is my eyes but if I let them spill he would have yelled at me for that. He repeated "Smile!" So I did so with watery eyes.

He doesn't yell at me much anymore now that I'm older, because I know what to avoid, how to diffuse it, or I've become so apathetic that it becomes a non-issue between us.

I don't cry much anymore, but I can't do it in front of people, even close friends and never family. I don't smile much either.