Surfeit Sans Sic-Squalid Spoiled Smorgasbord synopsis
Which following rambling account actually scratched out quite many moons ago courtesy one jovial, saturnalian wannabe martian seeking platonic relationship, but revised today early afternoon of February fifteenth tooth house sand twenty four.
Let me preface scattershot summary of meself no matter discombobulated biography of sorts might leave thee bored to death and/or totally confused. With combination prosaic/poetic features constituting following epistle hopefully mine feeble attempt to challenge crafting categorical imperative about Matthew Scott Harris usurping liberty to expound at length succeeds to enlighten and maybe even entertain thee.
Asper regarding most familiar person to yours truly (me) ludicrous literary license to elaborate hodgepodge fashion may fast become stale, tedious, essentially unacceptable to you, viz a veritable attractive female stranger.
Nevertheless this non-fiction category about one mortal generic garden variety corny fellow (meaning writer of these words, his corporeal essence of living flesh and bone) dallies before delving into heart and soul of said bipedal hominid.
The apotheosis of experiencing existential consciousness severely undermined courtesy earth, wind and fire depleting air supply, and whip lashing the apathy annihilating will to live, thus forever suspending me as still prepubescent, and thirsting to taste and touch youth untouched by fiery passion – so:
Despite four score minus the square root
of two hundred and fifty six birthdays elapsed
since fertilization, conception, gestation...
begat aspiring author out birth canal of Harriet Harris
(she left webbed wide world of the living
eighteen orbitz ago May 5th, 2023
uber cataclysmic eruptions rent and did lyft asunder
psyche, a seemingly endless viz internal maelstroms
wrenched worthiness-pitting mein kampf
as absolte zero worthlessness blunder.
Destruction analogous bulldozing
with razor blades severed former childhood's end
wondrous glee sneered grim reaper
raising suicidal ante while donning foghat
quiet riotous ambition, a painfully
(self starvation) mine inexorable slow ride,
which chronological frieze kept hog-tied
and hide bound this one grown male
dredging haunting spectre – where
to be gratefully dead – within Elysian dale
soul asylum sought.
Insidious roiling jagged stone shredding/
thwarting desire to lyft motive to be alive
shockwaves extant to this day -
no matter long since recovered from nose-dive
dog gone emotional, psychological & social repercussions
hound me present mental state
indelible permanent scars (per anxiety, panicky,
quirky tics) seem never to abate
try as I might to shake free
from the riptide affects that drowned this boy to grow,
he experiences an especially perilous remembrance
of that abysmal infernal woe
Impossible mission to forgive permanent harm inflicted not only on self but searing pain my late mother & octogenarian father underwent, (he passed away early October twenty twenty) whose angst this dada insight re: did gain from bringing forth his own progeny, which years eclipsed at break neck speed whereby each special daughter evincing greater sturdiness akin to hardy (horny) weed bound to surpass their dear ole mister mom permanently branded with ghost of Christmases past for never knowing thee potential that burned black toast and hunger pains even to this day frequently blithely ignored as if still callous tempted, lured and baited by hand of death this grown man wished inxs to kiss.
Mine social anxiety... reverberated with repercussions...tattooing, piercing, and en
snaring drubbing drum beat indelibly 'pon psyche NON MEMORABLE years gone by felled me psyche with incorporation viz alphabet facebook, poetrysoup of physiological symptoms i.e. clammy palms, heart palpitation, irritable bowel
syndrome, nausea, vertigo, et cetera (aside from thee above, I felt great) erupted to rent my psyche (no takers for mine gray matter to sublet) asunder, and forcefully endearing themselves to my being (like Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Dinner for repast and Blitzen).
Back in the daze of yor hopscotching (hither and yon, to and fro) from one College/University to another well nigh (an unpleasant effect explaining, justifying, ousting mine termination from umpteen post high school institutions I matriculated), particularly when paying a visit to college cafeterias, especially when hungry hordes (like madding crowds of students rushing to lunch line, swelling sea of Muslims, or Christian crusades of yore) practically stampeding their way en route to the Hajj) clamored to be fed sustenance or spiritual succor respectively.
No sooner did this then rather bony gluteus maximus became situated at the table (often whereby quick exit could be made in predictable panic stricken outcome that pierced and hammered me with gut wrenching agony), the medley of organic constriction of throat re: named near asphyxiation, furious pounding of ma poor heart churning out hormonal secretion, sans flight or fight, strong sensation qua
regurgitation (despite likelihood my bowels recently purged per diarrhea courtesy of irritable gastrointestinal stress), disallowed even one morsel to appease submucous cleft palate.
Never did this liberal minded married sexagenarian wordsmith get trampled underfoot, but he experienced physical manifestations entailing great discomfort probably on par with devout figurative pilgrimage to the holy shrine of Mecca, cuz truth be told I tout atheism.
Within the labyrinth of this mortal being i.e. christened Matthew Scott Harris, hid unseen live, googly-eyed, earth-linked, mailer daemons that resounded with a
flickr, GoDaddy, hulu, instagramming, joyous, kick starter, pinteresting, shutterfly ying, snapchatting, tinder quiet riot chorus of their unheard whatsapp penning yahoo kindling the trip wire of damned perspiration, laceration (stinging tips of metallica pelting whipping, and zinging reflexively upon me body electric weighed down with ball and chain) induced hallucination prodding sphincter muscle to go into overdrive vis a vis via defecation, (irritable bowel ran dire re:yah rampant) creating one wreck of a human abomination kept in check sum i.e. sigma notation from any unsuspecting observer.
This general figurative broad-brush stroke pertaining to collective soul asylum wrenching episodes does injustice to panic attacks that considerably abated while downing requisite nine prescription medications listed below in alphabetical order.
1.BusPIRone 15 MG tablet
TAKEN TWICE DAILY
Commonly known as BUSPAR
2. clomipramine 50 MG capsule
TAKE ONE NIGHTLY
Commonly known as ANAFRANIL
3. CLONAZepam 0.5 MG tablet
TAKE ONE NIGHTLY
Commonly known as KlonoPIN
4.FLUoxetine 20 mg capsule
Commonly known as ProZAC
5. glycopyrrolate 2 MG tablet
TAKE 1 TABLET 3 TIMES A DAY
Commonly known as ROBINUL
6. prazosin 5 MG capsule
TAKE ONE NIGHTLY
Commonly known as MINIPRESS
7. prazosin 1 MG capsule
TAKE ONE NIGHTLY
8. risperiDONE 1 MG tablet
TAKE 1 NIGHTLY
Commonly known as RISPERDAL
9. ropinirole HCL 2 MG
Commonly known as REQUIP
TAKE 1 NIGHTLY
Best for me to winnow thru quagmire of countless instances to evoke emotional explosion in an effort to engender comprehension, fixation, interrogation (pardon the hyperbolic exaggeration fueling this assay superb wantonly craving super) layman preservation, than zeroing in on a singular instance.
Little effort required for me to dial back mental chronology and pluck one generic panic attack festooned with the usual attendant coterie of kindling internal micro
scopic killing machinations swaggering like hotmail fresh off the field of a winning team.
Meal times at college (particularly with the madding crowd of voraciously famished coed undergraduates), the most frequent settings outbursts generated feverishly essentially annihilating any ambition to enjoy a normal peaceful repast (to satiate hunger), the most common environment envision a generic college cafeteria.
About thirty years ago (three decades spanning mine some total of xyz number of birthdays plodding through the pernicious plots per me world wide web) represents the most recent nonvoluntary foray into field of dreaded descent domain
of all out internal combustion, whereby attrition into no man's land of wretched undulating spasms quaking ole Matthew knocked immunization generally enjoyed clinging assiduously to hibernation, meditation, self actualization as self sedation.
Eyelids now temporarily closed to re-envision the nada so salient salad days whence feeding time instantaneously transformed into frantic frenzy at Kutztown University.
While most all other student feasted on ordinary industrial chow, I felt the grippe ketchup and override excruciating hunger. Adrenaline coursed thru this measly dry mouthed body (starving to savor the institutional haute cuisine.
Much as waste not want not the coda, ethos, general integrity keeping afloat my dogma, that credo went out the window (with or without the baby and bathwater – plugged pulled so no infant drowned, nor any other animal harmed in the making of this mindful scribbled video), the tray of uneaten food left for employee to discard.
Complete discombobulating disorientation (in tandem with the tried and true trademark tell tale signs of tumultuous ferocious fracas re: Tony the tiger witnessed personal pandemonium, which violent trigger, nonetheless did offer a scant few minutes to gather peanut butter and jelly sandwiched haphazardly slap dashed together, whereby to escape this pearl jam.
Cumulative episodes whence tumultuous shell shocked warring faction repeatedly played itself and affecting escape from this perilous perdition.
The shoals of home (which appeared sweeter than ever) specifically sighted when sitting with pangs of stomach churning aches to eat instead delivered a sentence whereby this anguished author felt himself severely lashed and slavishly held within thine fragile self witnessed withdrawal from campus life (for the umpteenth time) and hence avoidance became the coping mechanism.
Fast forward to the present. Now a cornucopia of pharmaceutical medications keep in check (akin to a mate) and put a lid on susceptibility toward chaotic sensation run amok.
This collective soul (whose esprit de corps rose from thine Heiress house of the rising sun) evinced plagued learning curve in fits, and starts finally seems closer to psychological nirvana.
Now, no longer does a led zeppelin manacle this Renaissance man from the culture club. He scales the Ashbury heights of ecstasy via pharmacological panacea. He feels indomitable emotional strength to haul in the oats of a misspent youth.
Before exiting stage door left when death doth me part, I regale as the proud father of prized progeny both living social and meeting their own independence.
Eldest daughter a graduate student at University of Pennsylvania, where she will be completing her master after spring 2024 semester.
Youngest o me two female progeny segued untrammeled twenty four years
on February fourth two thousand twenty three triggered flashback to wretched tears. When thee second punim o thine two lovely offspring passed one after another milestone age with nary a hint how her papa felt life locked up within his abysmal agonizing stage.