15 minutes to reinforce something I wish I could forget
a few years ago
as i was slowly waking up from a brain injury
my mind replaying what the woman at the IRS meeting said to me
in that tone women use to one another ....
when we know... or when we think we may know something isn’t right
i was preparing to go home to have another stretch of time
thats all i saw the world as at that time
a stretch of time between two points i did not know existed yet
sometimes a death
sometimes a new pet
sometimes just a calendar changing
stuck in another stretch of time
but on this day
after that meeting
i would create the next... point
it was a beautiful and cold day
the streets were flooded from a storm the night before
the sun was full like summer-
it was early in the day still
normally a time i would fight against
instead, i was taking in the day
looking at everything
removing myself more from what just happened
and more into what I would make happen going forward
i was not driving
i don't know if the radio was on or not
but the sun was beautiful
to feel something was beautiful felt good
i noticed the same corner came into view for what I think was the third time
about the moment of that realization
it started
a fit
yelling
loud anxious thickness
flatly i attempted reasoning
a few times
but it only got worse
reasoning fed the yelling
so i stopped
looked at the sun
not caring that the building came around the corner a 4th time
not caring the road was flooded
no where to be
nothing to be late for
trying to find things to look at and drown out the fit happening at me
because the roads weren’t open
because the way was not clear
just because really
i saw a man who was sitting on the steps of a building
in that cold weather he was wearing slippers outside
fit goes on
i just sat scanning what was in the sun
and the man sitting on the steps looks up
yelling goes on
and we both smiled at one another
his hand popped into the sun
and there was just enough time for my finger to raise above the window line
and he was out of sight again
and i sat there in the yelling, my hand in the air
and started to cry
i couldn’t remember the last moment i felt kindness towards me
something more than a fit
or yelling
or hushed voices asking questions i didn’t understand
that feeling of kindness
was awful...
how beautiful and far away it was
how quickly it left me
for a moment i hated it- kindness
even if it was the moment that pushed me forward
to the next string of points
and to 'here'
i wish i could forget the moment i realized
what it felt like to feel how lonely i was