15 minutes to reinforce something I wish I could forget

a few years ago

as i was slowly waking up from a brain injury

my mind replaying what the woman at the IRS meeting said to me

in that tone women use to one another ....

when we know... or when we think we may know something isn’t right

i was preparing to go home to have another stretch of time

thats all i saw the world as at that time

a stretch of time between two points i did not know existed yet

sometimes a death

sometimes a new pet

sometimes just a calendar changing

stuck in another stretch of time

but on this day

after that meeting

i would create the next... point

it was a beautiful and cold day

the streets were flooded from a storm the night before

the sun was full like summer-

it was early in the day still

normally a time i would fight against

instead, i was taking in the day

looking at everything

removing myself more from what just happened

and more into what I would make happen going forward

i was not driving

i don't know if the radio was on or not

but the sun was beautiful

to feel something was beautiful felt good

i noticed the same corner came into view for what I think was the third time

about the moment of that realization

it started

a fit

yelling

loud anxious thickness

flatly i attempted reasoning

a few times

but it only got worse

reasoning fed the yelling

so i stopped

looked at the sun

not caring that the building came around the corner a 4th time

not caring the road was flooded

no where to be

nothing to be late for

trying to find things to look at and drown out the fit happening at me

because the roads weren’t open

because the way was not clear

just because really

i saw a man who was sitting on the steps of a building

in that cold weather he was wearing slippers outside

fit goes on

i just sat scanning what was in the sun

and the man sitting on the steps looks up

yelling goes on

and we both smiled at one another

his hand popped into the sun

and there was just enough time for my finger to raise above the window line

and he was out of sight again

and i sat there in the yelling, my hand in the air

and started to cry

i couldn’t remember the last moment i felt kindness towards me

something more than a fit

or yelling

or hushed voices asking questions i didn’t understand

that feeling of kindness

was awful...

how beautiful and far away it was

how quickly it left me

for a moment i hated it- kindness

even if it was the moment that pushed me forward

to the next string of points

and to 'here'

i wish i could forget the moment i realized

what it felt like to feel how lonely i was