panda and opossum

thank you artificial art

now i just want one

another haiku

about two words you see here

'orange' and 'opossum' change

:)

be fast nostalgia

do not linger here

i beg not to be reminded

so that i do not have to crawl

be quick time

do not pass me

and mill not around me

so that i may be able to breathe

be slow sorrow

shadow me in humility

stay just there behind me

so that i never want to turn back

be kind contentment

visit me as often as you can

encompass me where i camp

so that i have the promise of shelter

be a burden contrition

fight me with fierce hunger

hunt my every step

so that i can call you friend

be gentle regret

understand you have already won

stand next to me

so that you are only a shadow of who i am

be honest fear

know that you have no authority over me

keep me in your crosshairs

so that i remain on guard

be passive passion

let me understand you

burn slow and evenly

so that i may continue to know you

be still desire

please do not burden me

see i am tilting windmills

so that i may be productive

i love you like purple represents royalty

like water, i need you in my life daily or death will call me out

i close my eyes and i see you first- i open them and see you everywhere

your so beautiful to me that i can feel what you look like

ive spent my life adoring you and with the last words that pass my lips be your name i will be speaking so that my last breath was for you

i admit freely your attention alone could sustain every need or desire i could fathom

i seek every detail of your existence just to find out if by any chance i could love you more

my life is only purposeful when you are present in it

i cherish you

any loveliness in me, every kind thing i think, every honest thing about me

is just you

you can have your taupe and tan wardrobes

every shade of leather boots mark your steps

10,000 tumblers are at your disposal, you are you...

spending an hour painting your face to appear as if your not wearing a latex mask

you can have your cute words and happy inflections

your false head tilts and feigned empathy for things you know NOTHING of

your ego as fragile as the tiny whispers of gold you wear on every part of your self

your wasp honey of sweetness that turns to battery acid when you walk out of the room

the perfume you wear lingers longer than your scripted responses to hurting people

you make words sound sticky and manipulate with captions and emojis ...

you hide your worldliness like a harlot

exchanging a façade that could be a field of the wildflowers you braid in your hair for a

acre of 4th walls each built with pretentious mortar

you are a hector of the vile but you dine off the same behaviors with the same mouth

you worship at alters of branding and 'vibes' so you look better where you pray

you call out spectators with loud silence

the ideas you speak are so supple to others opinions you hide them behind a type of purposeful knights move thinking so not to be bruised in your opinions

trade your worst day for just one of the self images those you pretend to uphold hear screaming through their bodies that you mock with your falseness

you offer no hope in your relationships that do not serve you

your discomfort is based on attention seeking behaviors

your own celebrity with every private joke you create emphasizing the importance to be liked by you

vapid laughter and purposeful gesturing are your personality staples

a 'self made' individual of soft lighting and pastel watercolors

your wardrobe, coffee, heavy knitted one of a kinds, and plants are a stronger pallet than the whole spectrum of pashmina personas you drape around your unburdened shoulders

you are the best at loving all the bests

wild beasts of anxiety ripple over your seas of self righteousness that you will miss out on something that you don't champion

the mistakes your making now will later be your yoke- but never your fault

you cast a vantablack shadow on others self esteem, and you call it positive influence

heap pride upon yourself while you can while the filters are still available

a few years ago

as i was slowly waking up from a brain injury

my mind replaying what the woman at the IRS meeting said to me

in that tone women use to one another ....

when we know... or when we think we may know something isn’t right

i was preparing to go home to have another stretch of time

thats all i saw the world as at that time

a stretch of time between two points i did not know existed yet

sometimes a death

sometimes a new pet

sometimes just a calendar changing

stuck in another stretch of time

but on this day

after that meeting

i would create the next... point

it was a beautiful and cold day

the streets were flooded from a storm the night before

the sun was full like summer-

it was early in the day still

normally a time i would fight against

instead, i was taking in the day

looking at everything

removing myself more from what just happened

and more into what I would make happen going forward

i was not driving

i don't know if the radio was on or not

but the sun was beautiful

to feel something was beautiful felt good

i noticed the same corner came into view for what I think was the third time

about the moment of that realization

it started

a fit

yelling

loud anxious thickness

flatly i attempted reasoning

a few times

but it only got worse

reasoning fed the yelling

so i stopped

looked at the sun

not caring that the building came around the corner a 4th time

not caring the road was flooded

no where to be

nothing to be late for

trying to find things to look at and drown out the fit happening at me

because the roads weren’t open

because the way was not clear

just because really

i saw a man who was sitting on the steps of a building

in that cold weather he was wearing slippers outside

fit goes on

i just sat scanning what was in the sun

and the man sitting on the steps looks up

yelling goes on

and we both smiled at one another

his hand popped into the sun

and there was just enough time for my finger to raise above the window line

and he was out of sight again

and i sat there in the yelling, my hand in the air

and started to cry

i couldn’t remember the last moment i felt kindness towards me

something more than a fit

or yelling

or hushed voices asking questions i didn’t understand

that feeling of kindness

was awful...

how beautiful and far away it was

how quickly it left me

for a moment i hated it- kindness

even if it was the moment that pushed me forward

to the next string of points

and to 'here'

i wish i could forget the moment i realized

what it felt like to feel how lonely i was

My head is pounding, everything seems so amplified. I tell myself on the way to the pharmacy this is going to be different, I am in pain- tomorrow I will be able to think better. When I see the glow of the store's sign lighting up the night, I can feel I am already lying to myself, like whispers of some quiet conversation in my own head. The pain is so loud is drowns out who I really am, who I want to be again. I know walking into that store, that sign will make me feel better before it makes me feel worse all over.

In line I try and speak to the woman in front of me, I want to answer her question but before I tried to remember what she even asked me- the man behind us loudly spoke, "you're next" and nodded her forward with his head. I'm never going to get away from this whole process. I'm always going to live in pain and there's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do to make it stop, I'm done cycling through them anyway if there even was anyone left to understand this.

I feel thankful for the thing I hate. I walk away from the store swallowing two pills so I can go home and clean and work, and as I think of all the things I need to catch up on... I see normal people and hear them being happy as they come and go through the parking lot as I get in my truck. I sit there watching strangers for a moment and as much as I want the pain to stop I want that side effect, too... numb. Knowing it will be even 20 more minutes of this agony, I allow the wild dogs in my head to cry out in the night- screaming in my vehicle as the world moves around outside of my restless, longing for some solitary company.

This is where I used to want to do anything to make a cross fade, but I am different now and I know that I must do what's right and go home while the window of numb is open.

I turn off the world with my earbuds, the music goes up and the noise canceling pushes the voice in my ear above the one in my head.

Walking in the house is like being on a mission. Being productive cures the hurt

deep inside of this 'thing' that I've become that feels so different from 'alive'. I'm never going to get used to life like this- it's gonna take death to make me get over this hurting. No one can do this but me, and that is just how it is now.

A few hours go by and even with less now to do, I know I am 'allowed' to go numb again. Since the physical pain is still at a level where I can think, I need to take time and be still without more of those pills that steal me in one way as they allow me to exist in another. This is where I have to be careful not to keep pushing myself, and take at least some time to open the door to think about you, quickly and not for too long. You are always right there, behind my eyes... like waiting ... even when you were here, I loved to be still and think about you when we were apart.

The physical pain makes it easier to excuse being so isolated, even more this late at night. This is when I have to chose sleep over those pills. This is when I know I have to accept sleep instead of time in my head with you. This is when I am closest to God, you, and my real self- when I chose to be still over numb, even in pain. Dying of thirst to feel normal-with a bottle of water right there on my desk- but accepting to wait to be thankful for the thing I hate even less tomorrow. On my way to sleep I know I have 29 days to figure out how I will feel in that parking lot again.

when the dinosaurs come back, they will fill the air

no humans to slow them down, we won't be there

when the water is soured

when the farms go barren, just to go overgrown

the birds will take over

on the blood of the dead

on the eggs of their own

when the apocalypse happens, or perhaps WW3

there will be no where to run-

but the air will be pathways, the air- and the sea

when the dinosaurs come back

feathered and evolved

the oceans will be thriving

the mammals will be mauled

new life will emerge

like in countries before

when atom bombs or nuclear incidents riddled their shores

what will emerge will be from what was left after

starting from those winged things where climate was never a matter

the sparrow will rise

the crows leading the way

when the dinosaurs come back

the eagles, the hawks, those... birds... of prey

cuckoos and cowbirds traits will make the way

each will raise others, teach others, eat other and so on

until what swims in the water- and can take to the skies

are the only apex of natures coin- to emerge and rise