Pearlie Ovules

How many times has this happened to you?

You open your door to what you expect to be mute admiration but instead, there they are, those pesky oleoreptiles. Or you step on the gas for what you expect to be insufferable solitude but find, instead, musical chairs. Do you find that facing the music is just too damn sphincteric?

No more. Take the point/counterpoint out of this misery once and for all with the pint/quarterpint handy demi-jug of pearlie ovules. They splice, they dice, and they even make julienne fries. Why take a chance? If this weren't a free world, you'd have to order them. So, order yours now!

BUT WAIT!!

If you order in the next 15 minutes, you'll receive an extra order of rodeo tapestry, pre-soiled and ready for hanging. (Cockleburs not included.)

AND THAT'S NOT ALL!!

If you identify the MYSTERY ACTION (user defined), we will send you a new college degree, complete with its prestigious student debt. (A new degree and its debt will arrive every other week! Just pay for the extra shipping.)

You lose money NOT buying this. Pearlie Ovules. A hobby for Dad. A craft for Mom. A miscreant for the kids. Make your neighbors homicidal with envy. It's only your life, after all.

(Not available in any stores. If they don't want to sell them, that's up to them. Not available in Puerto Rico.)