A Vex and a Flex
Life’s too short to carry a grudge. Take that weight off your shoulders and let us do the heavy lifting for you. We’ll keep your enemies in a living hell for the full length of your subscription.
Start with a 3-month trial to see if surprise mouth scorpions push your boss out by quarter end. Commit to the full year to make sure your ex feels the burn of daily diarrhea year-round from one ruined birthday to the next. Set your subscription to auto-renew each year to take advantage of our ever-increasing variety of curses over the years.
Do you really think the nasty, rat-faced kid who bullied you for your weight deserves to coast through life in the McMansion their parents paid for? Let us hex them with a new addition to our catalogue: incurable butt rashes. They'll be ten times more uncomfortable than they ever made you.
Don’t wait to start your journey toward karmic justice. Let us carry out your wildest, darkest fantasies on the people who have made your life hell. It’s time to trap them in the eternal hell that they deserve. Call us at 1-800-WITCH-4-U to regain your peace of mind and give that awful HOA lady the termite infestation she deserves. The first 666 callers will receive a custom voodoo doll for on-demand vexing from the comfort of your home.
Do you want a metal block that does nothing? I have it right here, just for $29.99! Don't have a hammer? Metal block! No plate for a burger? Metal block! Have the co-worker you hate? Metal block!
Call 555-8939 right now, and we'll throw in a mini metal block for just five more dollars!
(Metal Block Corporation is not responsible for any physical damage or lead poisoning received)
Wash Your Butt
Let me ask you an important question if I may. Tell me friend, if you got a little poop in between your toes right now, would you be satisfied by cleaning that mushy smelly crap with bone-dry-one-ply toilet paper from Arby's? Wouldn't you at least like a little water with your shitty clean up supplies?
If you answered like every other sane and sanitary human being on Earth today, then you need the Brondell Simple Spa Bidet, available to you today for the Low Low Price of $32.99. You won't regret it.
So simple, even your inept spouse or screaming threenanger could install this beautiful and lifechanging booty beauty.
No long shipping times and always in stock, the Brondell Simple Spa Bidet is available on Amazon right now. So go get yourself fresh peaches my friends!
HERE'S THE AMAZON LINK!
You'll never allow poop to be dry wiped between your cheeks again. This is NOT a paid promotional advertisement. I'm not making a single cent when you buy this amazing product. I'm rich now that I don't have to buy Cottonelle every week, and I didn't bat an eyelash during the Covid Toilet Paper Crisis of 2020. Clean butt, clear mind.
You should wash your tushy. Be a little bougie. You deserve it! And for the incredibly LOW price of $32.99, why wouldn't you give a fresh rearend a try?
Trust me. Believe in the Bidet. Wash the poop off your body with clean and gentle water. Revel in the luxurious toilet paper you can afford to buy now with all the money you saved on your smart ass. TP is only required for a little soft pat to dry. Air drying is also an available option for no additional fee!
Buy the Brondell Simple Spa Bidet today for the love of God.
Wash your butt.
*******Here's the Amazon link again in case you missed it the first time, you gross dirty heathen. Get right with God today for only $32.99.
How many times has this happened to you?
You open your door to what you expect to be mute admiration but instead, there they are, those pesky oleoreptiles. Or you step on the gas for what you expect to be insufferable solitude but find, instead, musical chairs. Do you find that facing the music is just too damn sphincteric?
No more. Take the point/counterpoint out of this misery once and for all with the pint/quarterpint handy demi-jug of pearlie ovules. They splice, they dice, and they even make julienne fries. Why take a chance? If this weren't a free world, you'd have to order them. So, order yours now!
If you order in the next 15 minutes, you'll receive an extra order of rodeo tapestry, pre-soiled and ready for hanging. (Cockleburs not included.)
AND THAT'S NOT ALL!!
If you identify the MYSTERY ACTION (user defined), we will send you a new college degree, complete with its prestigious student debt. (A new degree and its debt will arrive every other week! Just pay for the extra shipping.)
You lose money NOT buying this. Pearlie Ovules. A hobby for Dad. A craft for Mom. A miscreant for the kids. Make your neighbors homicidal with envy. It's only your life, after all.
(Not available in any stores. If they don't want to sell them, that's up to them. Not available in Puerto Rico.)