5 helpful tips that may not be helpful if you think about it.

1. Think about your divorce

When you think about your divorce, you cry

if you cry, you exert energy

you exert energy, you lose calories

you lose calories, you lose weight. Ta-da.

2. Try catching the homerun ball - The amount of time you wait for the ball to land in your glove will slowly burn away your weight. It also helps you forget your wife left you. (This tip is detrimental to the previous tip.)

3. Dial M for Mother Hotline - Call a surrogate mother using the Mother Hotline and cry to your fake mother that your wife left you. Weight guaranteed to be lost.

4. Decorate the Christmas Tree - Decorate the tree with all the ordainments from your previous relationship, and set it on fire. The heat from the tree will make you smile and laugh. If you laugh for 10 to 15 minutes, you will lose between 10 to 40 calories.

5. Touch Uranium-238 - Do not eat this material, it will kill you and Touch the material to allow radiation to slowly make you lose your body mass. Hopefully, it will be enough to get your wife to take you back. (Please, Laura, take me back.)