From: Clifton Bellamy

To: M.Montrose@gmail.com

Subject: Regarding my employment.

Dear Mr. Montrose,

I hope this email finds you well. I am reaching out as additional information has been made available since we last spoke Wednesday morning. In light of these new developments, I would like to rescind my resignation. I understand that giving you an hour’s notice of my intent to leave the company was an ill-advised decision. I apologize in advance for the inconveniences my hasty departure may have caused and promise you that, given the opportunity to return, I will rectify any issues which arose after I left.

Upon getting home, I discussed the personal email I received on the previous evening of 4/1 with my parents (who, when they found out I was no longer working, demanded I make things right with you). Much to my dismay, they were emphatic that our ancestral tree has no branches of Nigerian royalty growing from its trunk.

So, the “$25,000,000 American Dollars owed to you from Prince Abache Tunde’s will that is held in trust at the Lagos National Savings and Trust Association cannot be released until the $3,000 American Dollars processing fee is paid in full,” was, after all, an elaborate ruse.

Although difficult to accept at first, in hindsight, this makes sense. It certainly explains why Prince Abache, or any of his descendants, never attended our family reunions and why none of my relatives ever acknowledged his absence. I figured it was because we are humble people, and nobody wanted to flaunt our connection to nobility.

Our last meeting contained some colorful language, mostly on my part. I hope you didn’t misconstrue my zany sense of humor as veiled insults. This was just me trying to lighten the mood to make my exit less stressful. I don’t want you to think I took advantage of your Open-Door policy for airing concerns or grievances. I should have been more professional given all that you and the company have done for me.

Now that we’ve had some time to process everything, I would like to consider our encounter as water under the bridge so we can learn from it while forging ahead by building upon that discussion. I realize I should have used more due diligence before resigning from my position at your company. I look forward to learning from this experience with the goal of becoming a better person and ultimately a better employee.

Anticipating my opportunity to rejoin the team.

Sincerely,

Clifton

From: Milton Montrose

To: ClifBe_da_man@yahoo.com

Subject: Regarding your employment.

Dear Clifton,

Your email does in fact find me well. Interestingly enough, as of Wednesday afternoon, things started going much smoother at work.

First, I must applaud the incorporation of whichever AI program you utilized to aid in writing your email. Such a succinct and descriptive use of the English language. From listening to you talk, I didn’t know you were able to express any thoughts without repeatedly interjecting words like, “yo,” “um,” “it’s lit,” and of course, “slay.” This definitely shows initiative for a twenty-something-year-old and hints at maturity.

Second, regarding our conversation. If by “zany sense of humor” you are referencing the comment you made concerning my leadership skills, rest assured, I wasn’t insulted. To be honest, not only did I think “Bozo could learn a thing or two from you about being a clown” was such a witty retort that I’m considering having my wife cross stitch it on a throw pillow, but I was also amazed a person your age even knew who Bozo the Clown was to begin with. Impressive.

Third, my Open-Door policy remains in effect for all current employees, despite a previous airing of concerns and grievances revolving around the phrase, “Ha, suck it, Monty.”

Fourth, you are more than welcome to come back and work for us when, as you so eloquently stated, “Hell freezes over.” I will keep your resume on file.

And lastly, speaking of bridges, feel free to contact me if you need the name of a reputable general contractor who can help you repair the one you just burned.

Cordially,

M. Montrose

Perusing that abyss known as Gmail, I find myself deleting a lot of digital flotsam and jetsam that is about as useful to me as a condom dispenser in a convent. Still, I have to admit, some of these garbage emails make me think. For example:

There is an amazing number of products out there for those who suffer from erectile disfunction. The pills, lotions, drinks, and even gummies (keep out of reach of children) that're advertised are guaranteed to hoist even the limpest of meat main sails. Personally, I don't suffer from the condition, but that's nothing to brag about because a light switch that can stay flipped up for 2 minutes is no big deal. "Delete"

Apparently, there are hundreds of single Asian, Russian, and women over the age of 40 who're eager to date me. Let me be clear on two things. First, I'm happily married. Second, any woman who's eager to date me is probably clinically insane and a possessor and practiced user of the Lorena Bobbitt cutlery set. So, no thank you. "Delete"

An urgent correspondence from a politician is being sent to me because the members of the opposing party are out to ruin America. Of course, said politician wants my help in the form of a donation and my vote to aid them in their quest to save America. Personally, I think all politicians be they donkey or elephant are responsible for the massive lube-free cluster fuck that has become our country. So, expecting a politician to fix our nation's issues is like asking a clan of hyenas to save a wounded gazelle. "Delete"

For a limited time, the Danbury Mint is proudly offering hand-painted collector plates that commemorate Elvis' slow transformation from svelte child sexual predator to the fat. white jumpsuit wearing, mutton chopped, Vegas performing hack he died as for just 3 easy payments of $19.99 per plate. Each month, I will receive a new beautifully painted porcelain plate along with a certificate of authenticity that visually chronicles the physical transformation caused by Elvis' steady diet of Quaaludes and fried peanut butter and nanna samiches. These magnificently created plates will surely increase in value and are so realistic Elvis' cellulite and that famous double chin will slowly appear beneath his greasy mutton-chopped gob with each new addition to my collection. But this offer won't last forever and if I act now I will also receive a replica of the check Elvis signed that bribed his bride, Priscilla's parents into not having him arrested for having an illegal sexual relationship with their 14 year old daughter. "Delete"

I am missing out on securing a mortgage in my area of California at the current 5.2% interest rate. With just such a mortgage, I could finance a desirable1-room shack located near running water on enough land to dig a his and her outhouse for the low-low asking price of $500,000. "Delete"

Amazon is hiring delivery drivers. The pay starts at $20/hour and you will receive medical and dental on the first day while receiving training in how to heave packages marked, "Fragile" like an Olympic shot putter more that 15 yards to land somewhere near the (hopefully correct) customer's front door. "Delete."

Of course, this is just a small sample of the useless drivel that lands in my email. However, I can't complain too much, because after all, a lot of what I write that ends up on the internet probably also deserves a...."Delete"

When the 'ping' of the alarm sounded Sgt. Gronkowski didn't immediately react; he was supposedly watching the radar monitor for evidence of Soviet ICBMs or other unusual events but he was contemplating a hamburger which had just arrived and was deciding exactly where to take the first bite. Such decisions are not to be hurried. A poor choice and his hand or worse,his pants, would be covered in ketchup. the captain wouldn’t be pleased and he could end up on report. Why, he wondered, hadn't someone devised a doughnut shaped burger so that the sauce could be confined to the centre. Come to that, why hadn't they devised a burger that didn't need the dislocating jaw of an anaconda to take a bite? Why hadn't they devised the beef sandwich?

Having made his decision and taken a bite and the alarm having become more insistent he turned his attention to the screen before him, chewing slowly (Sgt. Gronkowski was a multi-tasker which was why he’d been promoted). What he saw was a 'trace' showing the path of an object detected by the long range radar. Sgt.Gronkowski stopped chewing and stabbed a key on his keyboard. The screen changed to show an extension of the actual trace both backward and forward in time thus showing the estimated origin of the object and its predicted destination. A further keypress produced the statement that the object originated from outside the Earth's atmosphere and could be either a meteorite or a missile launched into Earth orbit. The direction of travel suggested no likely source on the Earth's surface so the probability was that the object was extraterrestrial in origin. For confirmation Gronkowski pressed yet another key to restore the trace. This showed the object rapidly losing altitude with an estimated 'landfall' in mid-Pacific. Gronkowski re-commenced chewing and returned his attention

momentarily to his burger to plan his next assault. When next he glanced at the screen the trace had disappeared and a keypunch showed the object to have landed as predicted. Gronkowski entered a note on the sighting 'Meteorite' and turned to the more urgent problem of his hunger.

In Mexico the same alarm went totally unremarked. It was Siesta!

So it was that the craft escaped notice and drifted across Central America to the Caribbean before turning north towards Europe. Keeping to mid-Atlantic the craft attracted little attention since it thereby avoided territorial airspace. When it began to approach British airspace it was challenged to identify itself. It failed to respond to several such challenges and so an interceptor aircraft was scrambled to investigate. The pilot eventually reported sighting the strange craft but could obtain no response; 'buzzing' had no effect, the craft maintaining a steady course and speed. He requested permission to destroy the craft. The consternation produced by this request resulted in such a delay that when authority was finally granted the craft was touching down at Heathrow airport. In fact, having no undercarriage it ‘came to earth’ rather than ‘touched down’, then skidded along the tarmac in a shower of sparks and finally came to rest close to the perimeter fence.

For the last part of its journey it was pursued by two fire tenders which immediately swamped the craft in a blanket of foam. There being no sign of movement from the craft and lacking signs of fire or explosion the firemen eventually cleared the foam with water hoses.

At this point Security (in an armoured personnel carrier) screeched to a stop alongside the craft and a number of heavily armed men in flak jackets surrounded the craft falling to the ground. assuming menacing attitudes and pointing their weapons toward the craft. Nothing happened!; the men relaxed, lit cigarettes and began to chat amongst themselves. So it was that they didn't notice the appearance of a fine crack in the skin of the craft which presently could be identified as a door. When the door crashed onto the tarmac it caused considerable surprise and alarm but nothing more happened other than the sudden appearance of a small figure dressed in ill-fitting top hat and tails. He held nothing more menacing than a silver-topped cane. The clothes appeared to have been made for a much larger person.

Nevertheless the security men immediately adopted defensive positions - prone on the ground with weapons pointed in the general direction of the door.

'Oh please don't stand on ceremony', said the small figure, 'All this fuss is quite unnecessary. I merely wish to speak to the Prime Minister, I'm afraid I don't have an appointment. Could you organize that for me, please?'

Abashed,the security men scrambled to their feet and one of their number hastily spoke into a two-way radio. Shortly thereafter an immigration official arrived.

'Can I see your passport please? What's the purpose of your visit, business or pleasure, do you have a valid visa?'

When he didn’t receive an acceptable response the official placed the ‘visitor’ under arrest and took him to the terminal building where he was closely confined as an illegal immigrant. No-one thought to ask whence he came, how he

came or how he spoke English, even if with rather antiquated intonation.

The sole information they could extract was that he wished to see the Prime Minister as quickly as possible. Thus it was that the reason for the visit was given and his demand met.

He explained to the PM that his forefather had been assigned the task of investigating the activity of a German naval vessel which had appeared in the North Sea and was suspected of carrying out trials of a submersible. Disguised as a weather ship tasked with meteorological data gathering. they appeared close to the German craft.

The German captain was seated conspicuously in the stern, smoking a meerschaum pipe and apparently fishing. Meanwhile a crewmember lurked about the deck nonchalantly watching what the new arrival was doing and occasionally disappearing from view but using a hand-held periscope keeping them under investigation from behind deck fittings.

To appear to be innocently engaged they released a weather balloon which to their astonishment immediately disappeared! They of course suspected the Germans as being responsible and promptly released a second balloon whilst keeping a close eye on the Germans. This balloon disappeared in like manner and when a third also disappeared they decided they had better report this strange occurrence without delay and so made off at speed for London.

On arrival a hasty conference concluded that they had stumbled upon a hole in the atmosphere and the presence of a German vessel in the area made it imperative that some action should be taken without delay.

Accordingly it was decided to kit out a manned balloon to confirm the presence of this ‘hole’, and so it was that in the greatest secrecy, at the dead of night, a balloon was equipped with a thermos flask of tea, a packet of Rich Tea biscuits and a wheel of Cheddar cheese in case of emergencies. So equipped Sir Peter Skott and his man ,Basil ventured forth. Jettisoning all ballast the balloon rose and rose - and rose, ever accelerating and finally popped through the hole in the atmosphere like a champagne cork escaping its bottle.

Having escaped Earth’s gravitational pull they began to fall and Mars, being at this time below Earth they were eventually captured by Mars's gravitation and so eventually arrived there.

Mars having rather weak gravity they landed with a gentle bump and without damage to the balloon’s wicker basket. Clambering out and gazing around Sir Peter saw a desolate landscape scattered with what seemed to be toy windmills endlessly twirling in the breeze. Unconcerned, Sir Peter reached into the wicker basket of the balloon, extracted a Union Jack flag and pushed it into the ground and proclaimed this territory as being now part of the British Empire!

At this point a nearby rock face hissed aside revealing a small hairy figure dressed in a small pill-box hat and a uniform. Sir Peter was so surprised that he lost his grip on his monocle which floated gently down to his waist.

Ever polite, Sir Peter addressed the ‘dwarf’: “Good evening, my man!”

The dwarf responded:” Going down! Are you coming? It gets chilly up here at this time of day. ” Waving them to join him Sir Peter and Basil did as requested.

Sir Peter said “ I say, my man, could you take me to see your leader?”

“Going down!” responded the dwarf. “Dash it!”, exclaimed Sir Peter, “These Americans seem to get everywhere!”

“I shouldn’t worry, sir” murmured Basil “They’re probably tourists!

To be continued……

Trash compiled.Hoarders without borders.Theres a fine line between wants and needs.Please tell me.Do I need to be told what i want or what I need?I need a fix.A fix?What’s broken?The line that separates my wants and needs.I recently deleted my EMAILS and it put ASMILE on my cafe,I mean face.Actually that’s usually when I delete when I’m over caffeinated?.You see I’m not a morning person,I cannot handle too much info at once.Then I have my coffee and my brain dry freezes then it infuses and now I can think.

I need to be stimulated to think.

Some people can wake up to silence.

I can’t ,I need a distraction,six or eight hours is enough!

I’m a morning person,when I control the sights and sounds.

An alarming morning Can be a beep and a blink or no messages.

I know it’s just a phone!

I never realized how much my head goes in a spin when I lose my phone!

True story.

Earlier this year,in the morning.Surprise surprise.

I was looking for my phone.

My neighbor calls me.I tell him I can’t talk to you right now,I’m looking for my phone!

He says,well call me when you find it.

I guess my neighbour isn’t a morning person as well.

I‘m here sitting in my chair waiting for my coffee in incomplete darkness and silence.

I turn of my phone to give my eyes a rest.

Shit! I think the lights are gone!

I turn the flashlight on my phone to find my phone.

Wheres that beeping sound coming from?!Aah the smell Of early early morning coffee.

He was destitute, without hope, and a loser at life. He drove off the only woman who had ever taken an interest in him. But he still knew the world existed, with or without him. because there were those who were trying to contact him. But everything landed in his email's junk folder.

Yet, maybe...just maybe someone cared. Maybe someone was reaching out to him.

But probably not, he sighed. He was still bitter about that Nigerian prince who had what was left of his saving. He would miss his mortgage payment. And what he had learned from over half a million dollars in student debt was that it didn't matter whether he was here or not.

Not.

He contemplated it. Everything pointed to his ending it all. He was at the breaking point. If he were to suffer just one more reason to leave this Earth, be given just one more indication he should do it now, he wouldn't be able to resist. He'd hit critical mass in suicidal ideation. What would be that last thing? he wondered.

He opened his email's trash bin, and the very first one he saw, the most recent one—as if it were a direct response to his question—he read:

Complimentary cremation discount offer.

Of course, it was meant to be marketing an estate-planning strategy. But it made even more sense for him to—as the offer read—take advantage of this smart opportunity because, even better, there was no interest nor any payment due for 12 months.

It was a time-sensitive offer, he realized.

Hello. Welcome to QNN Evening News. I’m Hirrient Tril. Breaking as we come on the air, on this very busy news night:

--Horrific 2-car crash kills 14 and injures dozens of others.

--The NAACP balks at the administration’s recommendation to change its name.

--TikTok goes to half-speed operations while the new deadline approaches for shutdown or sale.

--The recent executive order dismissing all of those working in the Unemployment Office sets a new bar for irony.

--Explosive scandal rocks the National Bridge-on-the-River Choir.

--More worms found in RFK, Jr.’s head.

--Marvel superhero movies blamed for autism spectrum disorder.

Those are the latest understandings, mis-, or not. And now, for the revisions:

A horrible car crash involving only 2 cars has killed 14 people and injured dozens of others. At first, it was suspected that the colliding cars had landed on a group of pedestrians to account for that number of casualties. On the scene is QNN correspondent, Suzy Sucklipz. Suzy?

“Thanks, Hirrient. Yes, it was assumed the two cars had struck an entire crowd of Democrats, but after the facts emerged, the incident was found to have involved at least one clown car, which could easily explain the number of those killed and injured.”

What about the other car? Any details?

“The other car initially was felt to have had no survivors, as it was eerily silent for some time, until first responders identified its occupants as three mimes, still buckled in and gesticulating wildly. Keeping them in the car were imaginary glass barriers they pointed out using the flattened palms of their hands.”

And the clowns who survived?

“Well, with so many casualties, this presented quite the logistics problem in getting them all to hospitals. Currently, we’re still waiting for a clown-ambulance, which has only been used once before, after that Big Top collapse catastrophe 14 years ago.”

I remember that. What a circus!

“You bet, Hirrient. Three rings. Although the clowns crawling out of the carnage were cited with a ‘too-soon’ clown offense when they were seen to have their pants down. As you know, the penalty for such a clown crime calls for mandatory shoe deflation.”

Sad, Suzy. Just sad. Now for politics. The NAACP has rebuked strongly a call to change its name because of many critics who have complained that they considered “colored people” to be derogatory. Its executive committee had especially harsh words for the White House recommendation, the NAAYP, or the “National Association for the Advancement of You People.” Covering our political beat is our own, Notso Fatso. Notso?

“Yes, Hirrient. Were they angry! When the press secretary was asked, as a rhetorical question that went right over her head, “What people,” she only responded, “You know what people. Everyone knows what people, am I right? When asked about the possibility of NAAWP, or the National Association of We People, the dwarves lobby objected.

Notso Fatso, at the White House. Back to you.”

There’s no pleasing some people, Nosto.

“What do you mean, some people, Hirrient? Ha ha.”

Ha Ha. In other news, TikTok is making contingency plans for its postponed demise. As a show of good faith, it has begun operating at half-capacity, offering only the Tik portion of its platform. The German subscribers are particularly upset, bringing their grievances to the EU, saying, “Vee hab vays of makink them Tok.” Some have called for breaking it up, due to it being accused of being a monopoly, into Tik and Tok. But that’s really a little tit for tat. Meanwhile, the clock’s also running on their copyright infringement suit against Tic Tac.

The Department of Irony (DOI) has issued a red-flag sarcasm warning now that all the management positions of the National Unemployment Office have been given notice of their pending dismissals. “Where will we all go now?” asked CEO Tempero Fugit. “I mean, once we’re gone.” We here at QNN answer, “Who cares?”

The Bridge-on-the-River Choir has hit a sour note now that its choir has been rocked by disharmony. While the sheet music is still pending, the choir conductor has been treated for decrescendo. Rising to the position from humble beginnings as a solo castrato, he was quoted as saying, “It’s not really all about the bass,” but only dogs that have been neutered could hear him, which may even top the irony from the Unemployment debacle.

More to come on this very busy news night. Wormipedes were found in RFK, Jr.’s head, this time several feet long and from the 6th dimension. And the American Pediatrics Association has published its findings on how Marvel superhero movies are contributing to the rise in autism spectrum disorder. The Hulk fires back, right after these messages.

You thought this was your school email? Silly you! It's a device for TurnoutPAC to reach you through. What they're so happy about, no one really knows. They talk politics from a progressive angle, and, in the five months they've been emailing you non-stop, there's been no good news. So enjoy deleting more reminders of the political state of things. You can try to unsubscribe, but they'll continue to email you about random political rambling.

can't see his ribs

the slabs are lost behind his bloat

and a bullet in his gut

would barely pierce the outer coat

or he'd fall into a river

but his fat would make him float

or a noose around his neck

would only snap the fuckin' rope

so if you're messin' with his shit

you best be runnin' down a slope

cuz if you're crushed beneath his feet

you'll know his skills are fuckin' dope

2/28/2025

it really is such a short time

all our trips around the sun

if evolution was on hold like me

we’d be fish learning to run

03/04/2025