autonomy and a question of us (12/10/20)
″my weaknesses / you know each and every one (it frightens me) /
but i need to drink more than you seem to think /
before i’m anyone’s.” -- depeche mode’s a question of lust.
be gentle, be gentle, be gentle, my love. / i am my own before i am anything at all. / if distance makes the heart grow fond, then shall we be even stronger, still? / is it too much to ask for ferries instead of houses upon the hills?
however fond of you i am, i am even fonder of this: / solitude. / fancy that? / and now i’m giving you harsh words, but take my apologies in clovers, too. / my love, we are nothing but a question, and i doubt it’s just for you. / i adore you, i adore you, i adore you, i do. / but we can’t we hold our hearts together without tying the strings, too?
i would rather be home. / and months ago, i would say that was you. / but we’re human, dear God, aren’t we? / we can be our own lighthouses and not need a shore, / i can tell you i need you without it feeling like a chore. / i want this, i want us, / but i want there to be an i and a you. / i want to call us our own people and think that it’s true.
so i ask you to trust me. / to not see this space between us as a departure, but rather, as a testament / that every time i said i’d come back, those were the words i meant. / let me be gentle with us, my love, let me delicately pull us apart, / let me show you that i can exist on my own and still / trace the beat of your heart. / and--scratch that, this is less a question of trust, my love, / more so than it is, really, / a question of us.
