Stumbling Upon An Old Art Piece: The Ebb and Flow of Healing From Past Trauma
While packing up all of my things to move to a new apartment, I had an opportunity to sort through things that, over time, I’d forgotten about. I was flipping through an old sketchbook and I found a painting paired with a poem from a couple of years back.
And I remember
the first time my necklines,
Became blurred lines,
and then borderlines
became crossed lines,
and now every time I sigh
I
Hear the cries
over guidelines
that should have been redefined.
And now every time I breathe
I
Wonder if my necklines
can be rectified.
As I read this poem, I was flooded with emotions. Today, years ago, I was sexually assaulted, and this poem was something I wrote in an attempt to make sense of the guilt, pain, and confusion that I’ve battled ever since my assault.
Over the years, through the help of a strong support system, I rediscovered what love, intimacy, and joy could look like in my life. I learned that I could in fact rectify my body, my boundaries, my purity, my strength, and my sexuality. However, as I read my old fears out loud to myself I couldn’t help but feel this nervous tingle in my stomach. “What if I never truly healed from this?”
You see, I’ve always strived to remain open about the things that I’ve struggled hoping that my story could in some way help someone else. But as this day approached, I felt a long-forgotten heaviness in my chest causing me to clam up any time I tried to talk about the guilt I was feeling with friends. I was so confused.
So, looking down at my sketchbook, I started to meditate on how the road to redemption, while full of moments on the mountaintop, has moments spent in the valley.
Today, even though I didn’t quite feel ready, I reread the poem again. I was surrounded with peace and grace; I softly whispered to myself,
“You have been redeemed, you have freedom from this”.
I used to feel like I could never experience rectification for the things I had gone through. I believed that every single day, I would spend meditating on what had happened to me. That any time I was lying next to a partner, I would look into their eyes and see his face looking back at me. And while some days, this still feels like the case, most days I feel more strength, healing, peace, self-love, and forgiveness than I ever imagined possible.
Healing can be painful. Healing is a process. Healing can sometimes feel endless. Healing can be difficult. Not every day is easy, and in fact, most days aren’t.
But healing is beautiful, healing is possible, and healing will come.
If you feel like you’re in the valley, just remember that not all of your journey will be spent there. That every hard season eventually passes. That our doubts and worries and hesitations, while very real, aren’t always rooted in truth. And while you may not always feel like you’re making process, you are.
You are moving forward. You are climbing the mountain. You will reach the top. This is just the beginning, you are so worth loving, and redemption is at your fingertips.
Excerpt from the debut chapbook “Who I Am Today” by Julianna A. Leverette.
“Who I Am Today” holds a decade of work, honoring the journey of life; from leaving adolescence and childhood homes behind to searching for a place in the world, from navigating shadow work to healing ones deepest hurts, from releasing external expectations to deciding for yourself who exactly it is that you want to be. This poetry collection navigates past loves and lives, the hurdles of mental illness and existential dread, and creating peace with yourself, your experiences, and your choices, and believing that truly, it is well, through the ebb and flow.
Writing Like You Mean It
I love talking about my feelings in my blog posts. I recently posted a poem about Love. And about how if we love hard, we might get some of that love back. And if we give love, we may receive love.
It was different from what I usually write which is about ’standing your ground in the lonely world while remembering that there is someone for example some entity like God who watches out over the workings of the cosmos, and over its seemingly insignificant creatures who are somehow longing for him.
Sometimes when you post you have to post things people like to see, just so as a frequent poster, you get someone showing the same feelings towards what you are also putting into the content Universe.
And so I have been writing short stories on Prose for a while now. I love that Prose is so happening, but you have to have something that makes people think or feel something to post on there to get people reacting/responding/reading/clapping for your posts.
When I had started my journey, thinking of my self as a writer of some sort, I did a course in ’creative writing’ which had nothing to do with content writing. I never thought/pictured my self as some sort of Fiction Author, and in no way did I ever think that I could write a short story.
I started writing short stories for good measure, which go up to 1,500 words. And yes the course I did in the morning gave me awesome ideas! They said things like maintaining a writers journal was an important part of honing ones creativity as a writer...
So its a given that I rarely post things without them meaning anything here on Prose. If you ever liked anything I posted, remember that I put my self into my writing, and no effort of mine is ever just for the sake of doing it. I love writing, and I love the Universe, and God, and he helps me write the things I write, a little better every day. Even the poems about Love.
Posting Something Heartfelt...
It's another great day to post something on Prose. Like I said, I simply love it here and like the environment. I like that some people get to vent about whatever it is they are going through, and we are all going through something. You find people writing poetry, and short stories and all kinds of stuff that is all very heartfelt, and it gives a person some form of purpose, apart from what might seem like the ordinariness of Life.
I like that people respond on here, and I like sharing random thoughts, I like putting more and more content into the Prose Universe, and it’s fun to see that people are reading, and replying. Sometimes when someone comments or likes things you are posting, it brings a smile to your face and brings meaning. Sometimes that like or repost can mean everything and is almost spiritual.
A Sunset Sentiment
Maybe it was the way the clouds floated still, not moving even an inch. Outlined by the dim, orange glow they hung motionless under her dazzled gaze. Yet, when her staring was interrupted, diverted to the external world, they seemed to shift at an immaculate pace. When she returned her dark eyes to those cottony spectacles, she found they had shuffled into a new, dimmer, yet equally stunning array. A more somber and ordinary scene ensued, finding the clouds less illuminated by the sun’s waning color. The reverse-dawn had taken its toll, disguised at first as a beautiful sunset, but now only an oncoming veil of dark abyss. With the darkness came reality, and with the sun went hope. The sentimental meaning she had been searching for revealed itself. With the last streaks of color leaving her view came that sad analogy: depressing truths shaped like motionless, dull, grey clouds.
Gratitude Journal For The Week of 7/8/2024
"Thankfulness is like a door to God's presence."
- Kendra Barrow, Vineyard Northwest
"Enter His gates with thanksgiving; go into His courts with praise. Give thanks to Him and praise His name (Psalms 100:4 NLT)."
A Church I follow has an app (Crossroads Anywhere) where we journal together as a community, and one of the things we journal about are things we are thankful for. I wrote these for this week's prompts from the app. I hope these inspire you to reflect on what you are thankful for in your own life. :-)
7/8/2024
"What are you looking forward to this week?"
- My son's birthday.
- Putting the lesson from yesterday's church service to work, and remembering the times God worked in my life before, and how He will do it again.
- Time with family.
- Playing some new games, listening to some new music, reading, and podcasts.
7/9/2024
"What are you grateful for today?"
The desire God puts in us to learn, and the multitude of people and resources out there we can learn from.
7/11/2024
"How did someone help you this week?"
Leadership and co-workers helped me to get some things done at school this week.
7/12/2024
Affirmation: "I trust God."
"Is there anything you would like to thank God for this week?"
Thank You God for Your presence during a very challenging week, and the peace You provide while I navigate through some life storms. I know You are with me through it all, and I appreciate You.
Gratitude Journal For The Week of 7/15/2024
"Thankfulness is like a door to God's presence."
- Kendra Barrow, Vineyard Northwest
"Enter His gates with thanksgiving; go into His courts with praise. Give thanks to Him and praise His name (Psalms 100:4 NLT)."
A Church I follow has an app (Crossroads Anywhere) where we journal together as a community, and one of the things we journal about are things we are thankful for. I wrote these for this week's prompts from the app. I hope these inspire you to reflect on what you are thankful for in your own life. :-)
7/15/2024
"What are you looking forward to this week?"
- Time with my family, including my core unit reunited.
- Good shows, games, music, podcasts, and sports to check out.
- Opportunities to learn and grow.
7/16/2024
"What are you grateful for today?"
- Waking up this morning.
- My family to return home to tonight.
- Getting some writing in last night.
- Coffee
7/18/2024
"How did someone help you this week?"
- Support from the gentlemen in Man to Man group as we discuss life and build each other up.
- My wife helping me with tasks we needed to accomplish.
- Support from co-workers.
7/19/2024
Affirmation: "God listens to me."
Thank You God for Your lessons and presence throughout this week. Thank You for walking with me through life's challenges and blessings, and thank You for a longer weekend to enjoy with my family.