How did what should been the happiest day of my life turn into one of the saddest days of my life?

The baby that my husband and I had been trying to conceive for years was finally due to arrive in this world.

We chose the name Dylan Taylor McBride because we did not know our baby's gender and this name would be fine for our son or daughter. We were so eager to hold our bundle of joy.

July 17, 2005 was the date that Dylan was born. She was so beautiful. She looked like a doll baby. I held her so tight. I kissed her cheeks. Our angel. Our precious gift was stillborn. As the tears rolled down my face and I experienced the worst pain I had ever felt, there was a moment of joy. I was a mother and I did not want to let my baby go.

We did not have a good marriage

When we separated, I felt nothing

But latley you are in my dreams

You died almost five years ago so why are you in my thoughts

I do not miss you

You were not kind and yet there you are in my head

Go away, please

I am finally free of you or I thought I was

But yet I see you vividly

Touching me when I do not want you to touch me

Speaking when I do not want to hear the sound of your voice

Why are you in my head

Go away, please

Jesus the Christ who saved a wretch like me.

My mother who has always had my back and who always will love me no matter what I do.

My two beautiful daughters who showed me that I can love unconditionally.

Being a non hodgkin's lymphoma survivor because I realized a strength I didn't know I had.

Grace that I do not deserve but everyday is a new day to experience His grace and mercy towards me.

I sat down to get my dinner

It was later than usual because I worked late

I did not want to get the turkey that was in the frig

There was no gravy for my turkey

I hate the thighs and prefer the drumsticks

My apple pie had been eaten by someone

I was so distracted, I forgot to say my grace

Who ate my

This past summer was a rough one for me. Not only was my company downsizing but my husband of fifteen years decided that he no longer wanted to be married to me. Apparently, he had fallen in love with a co-worker. I thought that we were happy but I guess all those late nights at work were not totally "work" related. I never would have thought in a million years that this would be my story. We started to date in high school and even after we both went to separate colleges we continued to date. I thought that I was going to be Mrs. Donovan McKoy until the day I died. Oh well, wishful thinking. I cried off and on for about two weeks. My eyes were all puffy and swollen but I had the perfect excuse, allegies.

As I ponder my future, I marvel at the change of the leaves as they fall to the ground. The colors are so beautiful and vibrant. At this particular time, I no longer feel beautiful or vibrant because I have been tossed aside like an old worn shoe by my employer and my husband. I am numb inside and my heart has hardened just a tad. I mean fifteen years of marriage and ten plus years at a company and now I get the "thank you for your service" blah, blah, blah speech from the company and the husband. The good luck in your future endeavors crap from my boss and the let's be friends nonsense from the husband. Why would I want to be friends with someone who shattered my heart into a million pieces, no thank you. And if the boss was so concerned about my future he would have let someone else go. Am I being selfish. Nope!!!!

Donovan and I never had any children. I guess that may have been a blessing in disguise. I have heard some stories from friends who are divorced and it can be hard on the children. Not all situations are the same of course. One friend and her ex-husband go on family trips with her new husband and his new wife. If that works for them fine but to me it would seem a bit uncomfortable. I personally am not going to be having the person who my husband is leaving me for over to my house for a meal and some drinks. Nah, I will pass on that.

I have some decisions to make. I have some savings put aside so finding a new job is not a pressing issue at the moment. I will be fine for a few months, so I am going to give myself a little bit of time to just breathe. I do not have any family ties in this town so I could always move somewhere closer to my family. Donovan and I moved when he got a promotion at his job. We are still in the same state where we went to high school but we moved about a five hour drive from my mom and dad.

It is time for me to discover who I am. For over half of my life I identified myself as either Donovan's girlfriend or wife. I gave him the best years of my life. I forgot how to love myself because I was so busy trying to be the perfect wife. I accepted the fact that I could not have children and I thought he had as well. We talked about adoption but he said he did not want to adopt a child. I suggested a surrogate but we opted out of that as well. I only bring this up because I have heard that the new love of his life is pregnant. I assume he wants to divorce me so that he can marry her. I will not contest this divorce or try to hang on to him. As much as it hurts, I will not be an angry woman who won't let go. I wish them the best but we won't be friends.

So as my new season begins, I know that there are a few things I want to change about myself. I am going to lose about thirty pounds. Easier said than done. I am also going to do the one thing that I said I would never ever do. I am going to dye my hair. I have had black hair forever and I even saw a few gray hairs the other day. The brightness of the leaves as they fell has inspired me. I think I will dye my hair red for this fall season. A little bit of color on the outside may do wonders for how I am feeling on the inside. The past summer was a little dark and gloomy for me but I see a bright future. This dark season will pass and my new season of light and joy will come. Day by day a little bit of the darkness will be replaced by the light. My new season will be the best one yet.