Debriefing
I say, Johnny, you look absolutely trashed. Did your date with Annie go well?
Yeah, yeah, my date went great!
So... did you get to first base, Johnny?
Yeah, yeah, I got to first base!
And what about second, did you get to second?
Yeah, yeah, I got to second base!
Don't tell me you got to third base too?
Yeah, yeah, I got to third base!
Oh my, Johnny, did you actually hit a home run?
Yeah, yeah, well, kinda, I mean, I hit an inside-the-park home run.
You ejaculated prematurely, didn't you Johnny?
Yeah, yeah... can I go? I need to change my underpants.
3/21/2025
Police Report 2025-03-18-15:30
Awaiting ambulance to transport assailant (victim?) from Albertsons parking lot to county morgue.
According to witnesses, Subject A was walking from the store, carrying a bag of groceries, when Subject B approached him. The situation quickly escalated when both subjects began trading barbs.
According to Subject A, Subject B claimed to have a concealed weapon and demanded money.
Witnesses did not corroborate Subject A's statement.
According to witnesses, Subject A set his bag of groceries on the ground. When he rose, he grabbed from the bag a head of celery by the stalks and swung it at subject B's head. The force of the blow knocked Subject B to the ground. After Subject B fell, Subject A continued to beat Subject B's head with the celery.
Subject A corroborates the witness statements.
When we arrived on the scene, Subject A was still standing above Subject B with the bloodied remains of a head of celery in his right hand. Subject B's head was beaten beyond recognition. We confirmed that Subject B is deceased. No weapons were found on Subject B, but he had a carrot in each front pocket of his jacket.
We are taking Subject A into custody and charging him with battery, murder, and illicit and disproportional use of a head of celery as a weapon of defense (offense?). Subject A does not have a concealed celery license.
3/18/2025
Spew
oh me what am i to write
15 minutes and i 've already corrected a typeo
oh fuck me
well, less see, i'm a sittin here in my chair
ain't quite sure but my butt aint bare
got mee a place in the middle o my lair
crotch seems to itch but i don't quite care
granny's in the ditch and i'm laughin at her hair
cuz she needs to get it colored hard to see it in the glare
blah blah blah
i fucking hate rhymes
truly uninspirational
but most of the times
it's what comes outa my brain
nothin but lemons and limes
cuz i ain't got nothin to say
aint' been said before
mind you
fuck you
oh yeah
the truth is i still can't figure it all out
i mean, i'm educated, god damn am i educated
i oughta be a fucking superstar with all the degrees i gots
but ever since i got laid off i said
"fuck you world, keepin it all to myself; my brains and my hots"
cuz i'm a misanthrope, always have been, even when they had me chained up in that fucking office cell, staring at that screen, tryin to analyze and design all that shit, making money for sure, thank god for that, but whew
where i really wanted to be was outdoors, working in a garden, digging holes and planting things, sweatin in the sun, slappin squiters off my back and diggin gnats outa my eyes; true work; man's work, not some sissy peckin at a keyboard, sissy coworkers peckin at every word and image i designed like relentless pricks
no wonder i didn't keep in tough with any of them assholes
but her i am
don't give a damn
lucky on the loose
crazy as a lamb
so that's my story, the reject who rejects, i was fakin it all along, but i got my virtues and treasures: i got a beautiful wife, i got two beautiful dogs, i got a big wooded lot where i can piss where i want, least my dogs can, but they prefer the little "business" area i trained them to use when we got em as pups, and i can plant all them plants now too, veggies, berries, trees, even radishes, specially radishes, those store bought radishes suck like mother fuckers, big they are but tastless, damn tasteless, and a god dam radish should not be tasteless.
3/13/2025