What the fuck was I doing here? Living on the side of a highway on borrowed land on another man's land was there a better life? There must be somewhere pushed from pillar to post all my life so many houses to live in so many lives lived who was I back then?

A lover a fighter and adventurer a poet a painter a seeker.

What am I now? a writer a son the good son? Always the good son.

How would we end up? Us so fragile and broken yet searching for peace and light.

Was the fight over? No not in this life not in this world not ever.

As long as you give it a go give it a shot be true that was what mattered.

Pass fail not the point as long as you tried.

When you said I could never be a boy, I wondered if you knew what trans-gender meant. Next, I was offended because... just, why would you say that? I was trying to come out to you! I was also concerned. To be honest, I thought you would react better. And I know you are thinking of it from a biological stand point; you're a doctor, what else are you supposed to do? But, I think its not a choice. Like, why would I make this choice? Why would I choose to be ridiculed by all my friends? Why would I choose for my dad to tell me that he would take me seriously if I was twenty five? Why would I want you to call me by my dead name and continue to use incorrect pronouns after months of me begging you not to? Why do you think I would do something that could make my teachers hate me? Why would I say something I know would make my uncle beat me up if he heard it out loud? Why would I do this? Do you really want to know? Its because I love you and I want you to know the truth. I want to be able to tell you what I'm really feeling and trust you when it comes to right and wrong. I want a dad who believes in me and accepts me for who I am. I wanted you to know me the way I see myself: beautiful. I can't think of a better way for me to express my love than telling the truth.

I still remember you teaching me that lying about the cookie crumbs on my bed was wrong. I remember you taking me to church and telling me that Jesus loves me as much as you do. I remember at night when you would tell me a story. I remember those walks you took singing me to sleep on your back with Silent Night instead of something more like a lullaby because it was the only song you knew (its still my favorite). I remember you telling me you'd always love me, that I'd always be your little girl. I wanted to tell you the truth. I wanted you to grow with me, I hoped that you'd share my view and try to learn. I hoped that instead of saying little girl you'd say I was your little kid, always safe when I'm with you. I hoped that you'd love me as I love you, not expecting me to be perfect but being there anyway. I love you dad and I always will. I hope you can see that still.

Love, Me, always and forever

they blew up the past, they blew up the future

ain't nothin' but the here and now

i was born in the country, moved to the city

now i'm fatter than a big ol' cow

i got merle haggard playin', i'm a haphazard swayin'

just a drivin' my chinese car

yeah i'm huggin' the middle but the traffic's goin' right

an' i'm gonna start a civil war

all the baseball players got names i never seen

they sell sushi at the ballpark bar

and the man on the stage in the big red hat

says there's rapists at the border from afar

old joe in the house, he's as white as a ghost

says we better start snoozin' that alarm

they blew up the past, they blew up the future

ain't nothin' but the here and now

well jesus loves me, buddha bugs me

i gotta get in tune with the tao

if that eastern voodoo don't do what it's sposed to

then tramadol'll help me simmer down

Pull the sword from your chest,

Force it into mine.

I am the kingdom of loss,

And it is not yet your time.

The black of night,

Screams silently in my shadows cast.

Promises of plague and cold,

To rise for vengeance from graves past.

But this sword of chaos and dark,

It is not yours to wield.

I will hold the front lines with both hands

If you will carry my shield.

From an intro inspired by Tears for Fears, into a moonlit buzz of wonder, and then on to two new bloods that absolutely steal the show with their words to ride shotgun across the moon so graceful, into a summer to greet the juxtapostion of death against dread.

Here's the link to Prose. Radio's Episode 55.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZo89vojB_E

And here are the requested pieces featured.

https://www.theprose.com/post/822872/time-too-short

https://www.theprose.com/post/823028/a-summer-passes

And.

As always.

Thank you for being here.

-The Prose team

when you said all men are bad

did you think that, maybe

you always picked bad men

scumbags, losers, creeps

guys you thought you could change

with your unrealized superpowers

but when you met that smart guy

who liked movies, who talked about them

who didn't need any changing

you didn't like him at all

and when you said a man's thing looks terrible

did you think that, maybe

you didn't need to say that to me

and when i was 15 and dropped out

and you said you wished i'd just

find a girl and settle down

did you think that, maybe...

oh mom, when you said these things

to me, your son

when i was just a kid

what the fuck were you thinking

When you said

“Sometimes I go there

only to look for you”

It surprised me and made me feel

unbelievably good

But perhaps a little skeptical too

That the presence (or absence)

of someone as ordinary as myself

would ever be noted

by someone as extraordinary as you

But as time went on

I learned that

though you are blunt

deceit is not your way

So I want you to know

that because you took the time

to share something so simple

It has made all the difference

in how I view myself

even to this day

Thank you

When you said

I think about death all the time

my heart shattered

as someone who has lived with death

invited him over even

once or twice

the sentiment was nothing new

we’re old friends, he and I,

buddies;

but you,

You

who have always loved life

who never entertained thoughts

of mortality

never wanted the trip to end

who found joy in each phase

life threw your way

for you, for me, this was devastating

a normal stage of progression,

perhaps,

but one I’d hoped you’d never meet.

There are nine obvious holes in me

Nine liaisons with the universe

I hope to leave humanity

With nine, no more, in my hearse

There are two for catching drumbeats

Tympanically delivered

From a world of broken heartbeats

Before I'm umbilically scissored

Four holes I have are front and near

Two that breathe my share of air

Two are for leaking my salty tears

All on my face, arranged in pairs

There's one that comes with taste and suction

Where both my needs and wants will meet

With compensatory eruption

When overindulging the Great Teat

There's one ending vermiform

Between my legs--who knew?

When it grows up, it'll fusiform

And corkscrew more holey people, too

One hole that's truly splendid

Alleged to be a one-way street

Doth render me truly open-ended

Without it, obstructed and incomplete

Extra holes are dangerous

They bleed or gape or drain

Bodily fluids that raise a fuss

'Cause you won't get 'em back again