on the last day of love
i planted flowers the day you confessed your love for me
as i showered them with water, i would sing for them
a different love song for every day of the week
when my hydrangeas stood strong and vibrant
they promised to live until the last day of love
that not a single petal would wither before then
my heart tugged at the thought
then not a single petal should wither, ever, i pleaded
but they knew better than i did
on the three hundredth day of love
they refused to drink any water
they lost the strength to stand tall
petal after petal began to fall
i sat on my porch in defeat
only one petal remained
only after you walked out of the door
did it fall into my hand and turn gray
your least favorite book
i showed you every part of me
i was an open book
"i don't really like to read"
maybe if i painted a pretty enough
cover picture, you'd open me up
run your fingers across my pages
the spine of my book
but you were illiterate
you didn't care to know the difference
between "your" and "you're"
or "love" and "lust"
the colors of fall
mother nature whispers to me
that this is her favorite time of year
because she gets to paint the trees
from green to golden shades of
yellow and ginger
she'll blow kisses
careful to make them soft
to create a breeze that will
sweep through the strands
of your hair and
be planted on your cheek
leaving them a shade of light pink
she'll wave the sun goodbye
before welcoming the grey clouds
to blanket the sky
happy to give us the rain we've
been asking her for all summer
each pumpkin will be caressed by her
fingertips, they'll feel her love and
promise to stay vibrant as children carve
faces into them before they sit proudly
on their front doorstep
-the colors of fall
"don't look at me like that,"
"you just hurt my heart and now it's difficult for me to breathe, how do you expect me to look at you?"
"i didn't want to hurt you, i never did. but i couldn't keep pretending, that wouldn't have been fair."
"wait. keep pretending? meaning you've been pretending for a while?"
"i just didn't know how to tell you, this is difficult for me too,"
"difficult for you? you just told me that you don't love me anymore. how can this be difficult for you when you still have the love i have for you? i lost that apparently."
"that's not true, i do love you. i just don't think i'm in love wi-"
"don't finish that sentence. god, please do not finish that sentence."
"im so sorry, i hate that this is hurting you so bad,"
"yeah well, i'm sorry that i wasn't enough,"
"stop. don't say stuff like that. you're everything and more, i just don't feel-"
"enough! stop telling me what you no longer feel because each time you say it, it hurts more than the last,"
"i don't know what else to say!"
"you've said enough,"
"so then what now?"
"wait like, for good?"
"i think so."
words have a mind of their own
the words i never got to say to you are now
bottled up in a jar that sits on my shelf
dust doesn't have the chance to build up on the glass
because with each day that passes
i pick it up and open the lid, speaking into it
the things i don't have the strength to tell you when
i run into you downtown
but i'm afraid one day it's going to be so full
that it will shatter and they'll betray me
i won't be able to stop the words from fleeing
around the room and escaping through my windows
they'll race through the streets, familiar of every
turn and stoplight that it takes to get to your house
and they'll reveal themselves to you, all at once
the first one
though it was difficult to hold onto at times, the thought that there would come someone who would be worth all of the waiting and failed relationships and heartaches, was always in the back of my mind. as a twenty two year old, i never imagined it would be someone who i met when i was fourteen. at the time, it was a small crush that i quickly got over when he went back to his city three hours away, after visiting for the summer. years passed, lovers came and went. and then suddenly he was here.
we became close friends first, i tried to ignore the feelings that i was developing for him, he sat clueless during our facetime calls every night. but despite my fighting of feelings and his oblivion, there was always something there. at first, we hide behind innocent flirting and sarcastic comments. we learned everything about each other's past and present and what we hoped would be our future. but then i realized, it was him.
the first one who was able to handle my attitude and mood swings. the first one who didn't think my clingy behavior and need for reassurance was annoying. the first one who didn't see my sarcastic comments were rude, in fact he would fire back with them. the first one who didn't expect anything sexual from me unless it was something i was comfortable with first. the first one who was supportive of everything i did and wanted to be. the first one who encouraged me when i was struggling. the first one to pray for me when i needed comfort. the first one i was sure was the one who was made for me.
because if not him, then who?
i was always too much or not enough for the one's who came before him. but he made it a point to assure me that i was everything to him. that i didn't need to change anything to fit his standards because who i was, was already enough.
and i believed him. because i felt it, the love he said he had for me. i felt it in the way his finger rubbed over my thumb when we held hands. i saw it in the way he looked at me. i heard it every time he spoke his assuring words. i had finally found my person. and i didn't ever want to let him go.
until i lost him. the timing wasn't in our favor. we had too much growing to do. we were in different places in life. and though it made my heart ache to part ways, i had no choice but to hang on to a sliver of hope that one day, our timing will be right.
end of june (and us)
its friday morning and i take my coffee black
only i get nauseous when i realize that
coffee with no creamer is the perfect color to
match your eyes, the ones that i have not
looked into since tuesday
i seemed to have been so blinded by my feelings
for you that i could not realize the
lack of feelings that you've shown for me
and then i cant help but wonder when exactly it
begun, i pour my coffee down the drain and
fight the urge to ask "when did you stop loving me?"
by saturday night im confessing to the moon the ache
i feel for you and when she doesnt respond
i know its because shes too busy shining on lovers
that are tangled together, kissing beneath her
"please, let those lovers last a lifetime, even if him and i dont."
not in favor
the fact of the matter is
sometimes you meet the right person
during the wrong time, for one
or for both of you
and you might love them
and im sure they miss you every
night that you're absent from their bed
and i can probably guess that you're
mad at the clock that sits on your nightstand
because the timing was not in your favor
but i regret to inform you that
there is absolutely nothing
you could do about the ache that you
feel for them
because that's how life goes
the one person who could heat up your
entire body as soon as they lace
their fingers in yours
the one person that made you feel
everything and nothing all at once
is not meant to be yours