my mother tells me it’s his loss

but if that’s true then why am i the one losing sleep

i lay awake throughout the night

aching for the feel of your touch

trying to forget the time we shared a bed

in that hotel room at the days inn

ultraviolence played in the background of our

breathing, i tried to get my heart beat to sync with yours

our legs tangled together and my hand

lay on your chest, yours rested gently on top of mine

we lay there all morning and i pretended

that it meant nothing to me

but i lied and it was everything

it was too late when i finally told you

and now your tangling your limbs with hers and

i’m alone in my bed, hoping that i might dream of you

when the post crying exhaustion hits

my friends tell me that it’s his loss

but if thats the case then why am i the one losing my appetite

we sit around the table at denny’s and

they talk and laugh over over breakfast at midnight

they don’t know that i’m internally laughing

at the memory of when we stopped at the dennys

in kettleman city on our way back from the

beach and you ate your fries with a combination

of ranch, ketchup, and pepper

i was playfully disgusted but really i thought

it was endearing, everything you did was

they don’t know that i purposely don’t finish

my food, a habit i got into knowing that you were

once there to finish my left overs

they don’t know that i’m nauseous because one

of them ordered your signature plate, only

they’re eating theirs with ranch, no pepper or ketchup

and suddenly i’m sick of denny’s and the memory

of you

my mom swears to me that it’s his loss

so then why am i the one losing my mind?

you’re everywhere and i can’t seem to get away

which brings me to tears because i remember a time

that i wished on the stars to never be away from you

the moon tells me that my wish has been granted

only in the worst possible way

you’re in my morning coffee before i pour in the cream

eyes dark brown like the medium roast that sits in my cup

i never liked my coffee black anyway

you’re in my car with me while i’m out running errands

the song that we once sang together playing on shuffle

i don’t sing along, instead, i remove it from my playlist

you’re in the clouds that scatter the sky

i’ve never met anyone else who loves them like i do

i convince myself not to send you a picture of them like i used to

you don’t send one either

you’re in my heart and in my head and in my bones

and they say you’re the one who lost

but that couldn’t be true

i still belong to you

i knew what the consequence would be if i were to allow myself to admit the feelings that my heart was so eager to force my mind to accept. so i ignored and distracted. but i also kissed, and laughed, and touched, and yearned. i was foolish to think i could have the best of both worlds and still win the war. i knew i would lose one day, but i thought if i gave myself more time, more preparation, it would hurt a little less. again, i was foolish. the day of acceptance, when the battle was lost, the consequence followed almost immediately. it gave me no time to regret having a moment of weakness. it gave me no time to have even a sliver of hope that i might have been wrong, that it could have been me. if you've never felt the defeat of heartache, here's a little insight: you can't breathe for a moment, and when you finally catch your breath, your chest begins to feel an ache. your body runs hot, as if you suddenly have a fever of 102. nausea creeps in, and the last meal you ate threatens to come up and splatter all over your living room floor. the tears will be shed, there is no time limit on this. you'll cry in the shower, on your way to and from work, in bed before sleep overcomes you and you wake up with swollen eyes the next morning.

someone asked me if i would rather continue feeling everything as deeply as i do, or feel nothing at all. this is a difficult question to answer, as heartache never gets easier. each time hurts just the same as the last. but i will never regret,

i feel so deeply! i always will!

a daughter, confused and abandoned

i remember the first time that i asked my mom

why i didn’t have a dad like the other little girls around

me did, it was the first time she didn’t have an answer

for the hundreds of questions a five year old is

curious to know, it was the first time i saw anger burn

in her eyes. she once warned me about my first heartbreak

that it would come in my teenage years and that it

would hurt more than anything i have ever experienced.

i listened quietly, i had no strength to tell her that i had already

experienced my first heartbreak and that no matter how

much advice she could muster up, i would never understand

why the one man who was supposed to love and protect me

left without a care. it was then that i had the thought that

would haunt me for years to come, if my dad didn’t love me

enough to stay, who ever would? and then another, was there

something wrong with me? and another, what could i have done

to make him stay? i would later find out that i would ask these

same questions about the boys i would bring to bed.

a mother, angry and giving

she tried her best to give me double the love, to make up

for the other half that would not be given to me by him

and though i could never admit it to her, it was never enough

she knows this though, even if she doesn’t hear it from me

she has felt it on her own, abandoned like me. she hates him for making

me like her and she’s angry at herself because she feels that she is to blame

my mother has given, and loved, and kissed, and cared.

she is everything in the world to me

a brother, protective and loving

the one who will walk me down the aisle when my wedding comes

he will shed the tears that should have been my fathers when

he gives me away, he’ll make a speech about how it was

him who has protected me all of these years and now will give that

responsibility to someone else. i’ll cry along when he tells our friends

and family how much he loves and adores me, and we’ll laugh

when he mentions our favorite childhood memories

the one who gave me more protection, love, and attendance

than my father ever could

a father, careless and unpresent

i have felt many things for you and

there have been so many words that i

have wanted to say

i could not

now i must live with the regret of never

having the strength to let them be known

there is a sense of grief that i have to live

with, the death of what could have been

and now will never be

i burned for you in silence and let

you wonder in the dark

i sit here in ruin, dreaming of you

while you lay there with her

she is better with words than i

my boy was brown eyes and honey

i had never tasted a love so sweet

forever dripped from his lips and

i wished on the stars for it to be true

my love was patience and understanding

on the days that i could not give my

best, he assured me that it was enough

my baby was home in human form

the person who i thanked god for

making just for me to live beside

but no amount of shooting stars

could make the time work in our favor

and though my heart still beats for him

he is no longer mine to call home

i'm back after nearly three years

reading the words i wrote

about the way i no longer feel about

them and its so bittersweet

reading the words i wrote

that i felt were my best at the time

fills me with laughter and a

sense of growth

was i good then?

am i better now?

the fact of the matter is

sometimes you meet the right person

during the wrong time, for one

or for both of you

and you might love them

and im sure they miss you every

night that you're absent from their bed

and i can probably guess that you're

mad at the clock that sits on your nightstand

because the timing was not in your favor

but i regret to inform you that

there is absolutely nothing

you could do about the ache that you

feel for them

because that's how life goes

sometimes

the one person who could heat up your

entire body as soon as they lace

their fingers in yours

the one person that made you feel

everything and nothing all at once

is not meant to be yours

if we were having coffee

id take mine bitter-sweet and cold

we would pretend to have more time

though that lie is getting old

if we were having coffee

i think i might avoid your gaze

it would make it less painful

to miss your eyes on my bad days

if we were having coffee

id withhold my feelings from you

we just aren't meant to be right now

i promise its the right thing to do

if we were having coffee

id brush my fingers across your face

in hopes that the future is in our favor

when its the right time and right place

some days are easier to get through than others

but today isn't one of those easy days

because i woke up and your absence

was impossible to ignore

maybe its because i read my favorite book

without you here to watch my facial expressions when

i get to the good parts, for the first time in a month

it might be because i've been playing

the one and happiness

by taylor swift on repeat for the entire

evening because the lyrics describe

us so well

then again, its probably because

i ran out of creamer so i had to take

my coffee black this morning

and it's the closest i've gotten to seeing

your eye color since i drove away from you

these are the days that its impossible to move on

because i remember swearing that i would

never have to

it hurts me, given the thought

that we’re possibly not meant to be

but you let me go without a fight

when did you stop loving me?

i cannot bear to think of you, and how

your hands are a place i call home

how am i to think you ever cared, given

the lack of aching for me that you’ve shown?

the night we parted as lovers

you painted me in shades of blue

each day it gets a little darker, does the

sun no longer shine for you too?