Hidden deep in my mind

Buried secrets of few

Are they past or future

Fleeing moments I view?

Split seconds in time

Fractured, open wide

Where a memory and a moment

Destined, then collide

The former and present

I straddle the look

Time folds on itself

Like page in a book

Have I been here before

Or, has before been?

How do I know

What is suddenly wakened?

I pass through myself

Through the moment before

Where the memory remembered

Is hidden no more

i was a part of a family that loved me. they would humor my crazy thoughts and guide me in the right direction. they recognized the fire in me as the same fire that fueled them, and they taught me how to play with it. right as we were moving into the lessons that taught me how to control it, it ended.

the family was disbanded by men who needed the land we resided on. me and the other younglings ran through the property collecting tools to dissaude the challengers, and the only effective thing we could come up with was horse poop. the other options would've been too violent or not extreme enough. and it worked, for a while too. me and a hoard of eight to fifteen year olds would collect armfuls of horse shit and chuck it at the workers. me and renee and elizabeth would sneak off and break into their trucks and smear the shit on their steering wheels and seats. it bought our family an extra week to find new accomodations; and it increased the already palpable tension between the barn crew and the workers who were being paid to tear our barn crew apart. we loved our barn by the river, nestled between trees that had watched us all grow and knew the directions we liked the wind to blow.

i remember sitting with my family under those same trees crying as we watched the men take away the final dumpster-grave of our beloved home. my family became disbanded. we couldn't all find new barns together, and our paths parted. i remember what it felt like to feel apprehensive of the future, and i remember the pain from the countless efforts of trying to get a new barn crew to have that same familial sense. i am still, to this day, learning that the essence of a family is in each individual's commitment to helping all members of the family succeed. i am still, to this day, struggling to silence my indepedent nature that was needed to defend me in those times of loneliness; it's too loud, sometimes i need help, but it won't let me.

#thisprobablyisntwhatyouwanted #shouldihaveevenpublishedthis #whydidileavemybedtoday