these are the things I no longer wish to remember

screeching down the highway

your knuckles white

stark contrast against the steering wheel

I don't remember who was crying harder

but it doesn't really matter

swerving

I couldn't see through the salt but I could feel my stomach crash against my ribs along with my heart

anger and guilt and sorrow

I couldn't breathe

I couldn't speak

I couldn't scream like I wanted to

I couldn't tell you that this is not how you should treat your daughter

was it raining?

I don't remember

but it doesn't really matter

because my face was slick with enough tears to drown us both

and at that moment we were the only ones

your words pounding against my skull

it's all in my head you try to tell me

but I ask you how is this pain supposed to cure me of my self resentment

even now

you smile and say you love me

but all I can hear

is your choked accusations

bouncing off the walls of your truck as we rolled down the highway

all I can feel when you hug me is the emptiness of every time you were never there

These are the things I no longer wish to remember. So I'll erase your words from my memory as if you had said nothing at all. I will give myself amnesia with poisoned drink forgetting your face, your laugh, your stupid grin. I will loose myself in the embrace of another replacing your touch with his. I will burn all the pictures and throw away the ash. In the morning sunrise when I am sick and hungover I will delete all the voicemails, the texts, and the lies. And when you show up at my door, I will close it. For I don't know you anymore.

"These are the things I no longer wish to remember. The memories have become too much. I don't want to be forced to relive it every time I close my eyes, as I have to do now. I wish to be taken where I no longer have to fight for my sanity. Where people don't look at me with utter disgust. Where I can be free of everything in this world. Free of myself. For I am killing myself slowly. My memories destroying me like fire. Burning me inside and out. Causing scars that will never heal. Slowly burning away my original self and leaving this distorted funhouse mirroring image of who I have become. So if I don't remember, life will be better.

Won't it?

Of course it will.

Yes.

Better.

Things...wi-will...-be-"

"There are things I no longer wish to remember." The words held a tired heavyness. "Yet if I am to no longer remember than then I will not be as wise as I am today."

"You don't understand."

"That I may not, however, you must understand that I know."

Running his tongue over cracked lips the speaker reaches out to set a gnarled hand of the young girl's head before him.

"We all must live with the past, Elewn. Making sure not to let it simply shape our future. Even I, old as I am have things I look back on with regret time to time-"

"See?!"

The man simply holds up a finger to quiet her.

"But I embrace my mistakes and do not wished for them to be erased."

These are the things I no longer wish to remember;

The taste of your lips

The feel of your skin against mine

The way you're eyes seem to sparkle

The way I felt pressed against you

The way your words made me feel

The songs we would place

The way you could always convince me to do whatever you wanted with just a few small words

The way I was yours in every way

The way I will always belong to you in part

The way you still haunt my dreams

The way your hands feel

The fact I had all your scars memorized

The way all my writing for seven months was about you

These are the things I no longer wish to remember