You were my everything before

That terrible event

But now we are no more

Your message clearly sent

"We are no longer

What we used to be

For it seems that you

Love him more than me."

But I never loved him any more greatly

No, I never loved him at all

I was simply flattered in the moment

That's when it started to fall

I thought I was in love

With our suicidal friend

But I always loved you most

He and I were just pretend

He tricked me into thinking

I could live without your love

But now I break down with sorrow

From just thinking of

That moment that I spent with him

The briefest kiss we shared

I told you immediately

For I knew it wasn't fair

He manipulated me

He didn't even know

He might hurt himself

If I said no

So I didn't say yes

But I couldn't say no

This I confess

And is all I know

I've spilled forth my regrets

Please forgive me

I don't ask that you take me back

But just... Remember me

I regret the choices I failed to make when the truth hit me dead in my face.

I sit

I wonder

I cry

I stress

Everything is piling up and it's becoming too heavy.

So why don't I listen to the signs.

Everyone can't be telling the same exact lie.

Realizing he wasn't the person i thought he was, was the hardest part.

Or maybe the hardest part was trying to continue after feeling like ending it all.

Drained

Every part of me.

And yet I couldn't give up.

I guess I just regret giving my all to the wrong person.

Because now I'm left with

Nothing

I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

I didn't mean to do it.

I didn't mean to harm you.

Not at all.

I'm sorry.

Forgive me, please.

I swear I did it by accident.

I didn't mean to do anything bad.

Not at all.

I'm sorry.

Please accept my apology.

It was by accident, I promise.

I would never hurt you on purpose.

Not at all.

I'm sorry.

Please let this go.

I don't think I can live long like this.

I didn't mean to wrong you.

Not at all.

[I'm sorry.

I'm letting go.

It's on purpose this time.

I hope you're all happy now.

Of course.

Goodbye.]

[Alternate Ending]

[I'm sorry.

It's all fake.

All on purpose, I promise.

Of course I meant to harm you.

Do you think I'd lie?

its soft song outside,

as if nature was whispering to me

through this foggy window of mine.

i though about too many things.

i thought about nothing.

about the girl i met yesterday,

an odd one;

the best kind, really.

we talked about nothing and anything!

my two favorite topics,

as we sat outside of the gas station in the rain

smoking cigarettes and watching the cars pass by.

we only talked for a few minutes,

a few short bits of eternity

where she treated me like a normal person

and for a a bit i forgot that i hated people.

for a bit i forgot all of my sins.

for a bit i forgot everything.

except for warm feeling of her words

as the our cigarette smoke danced with the rain.

but she's too far away from me

dating one of few friends

one of the few people i can stand being around.

and they make, as much as i hate to admit it,

a beautiful couple.

he returned from inside the gas station

we finished our cigarettes and resumed our lives,

got in the car and left the gas station;

driving away from that tiny, fleeting moment.

as i clicked on the left turn signal

i couldn't help wishing i lived in another world

where i would click the right turn signal instead

and i would be alright for once.

but i had to turn left

and as the lights of the gas station

slowly faded away in my rear-view mirror

i could hear the rain still singing

a soft, sad melody;

the same one it's singing today.

Wanted

But not to talk to

In the dead of night

When the wind howls

And sleep is far

From claiming me

Wanted

But not to spill secrets to

Over the phone

Because no one else

Is there to listen

To my problems

Wanted

But not to trust blindly,

Handing faithfulness

And a bittersweet life

To the hands

Of the impulsive criminal

Wanted

Dead or alive

...

Wanted

A calm

State of mind

Wanted

A clear

Conscience

Wanted

A redo

So the word

"Wanted"

Doesn't hurt

So badly

So the word sorry

Is not repeated desperately

In hopes of forgiveness

That doesn't come

So there is no knife

Stained with blood

Held in my hand

And so there is no

Injured, horrified girl

Who was once my friend

So I don't have to run

From the girl who once trusted me

And from the black bars of jail

So when she glances

At the shackles around my wrists

It isn't with disgust

And thinly disguised

Fear

Some say that the worst feeling is sadness, or disappointment, or not feeling at all. That isn't true. Regret is the worst feeling anyone could possibly feel. While revenge is a dish best served cold, regret, is the sick feeling in your stomach when revenge takes action. The dead butterflies churning in your stomach. You want so bad to get rid of it. It's torture. It haunts you in your dreams and in your waking moments, flashes of images in your head that you can't shake off. Regret is wanting to turn back time and fix your wrongs, and realising that it isn't an option. You're swept away by the tides of time, reluctantly moving forward while occasionally stealing glances behind you. Regret is whispered pleas for forgiveness. Regret is a wrong that can never be righted, only a wrong that can be accepted when you help yourself find closure. Regret is the feeling you shove into a room and lock the door on. There is no cure for regret, because regret was created by your wrongdoings, and will only go when you leave this world, and even then, regret will be your only company to the afterlife.

Alternate ending:

Regret is a limitation of our vocabulary, the torn pages of our dictionaries. That is why, after all these years, I can say only one thing to you: I'm sorry.

from the place before a judge,

i watch you with budding sorrow.

as you discover blood,

and tainted truth.

i watch as you search for the note i never left,

and i find myself wanted to tell you why.

it wasn't your fault,

please don't think it ever was.

i wait for judgment,

and know i'm going to hell.

death took me with warm arms,

saying child you've come home.

judge hates me i think,

for taking myself home.

i wish for paper,

and a pen too.

here's the words i would have said,

if I hadn't been wrong.

"You were my first,

You were my last.

You are the one,

You caught me fast.

it isn't your fault,

so stop looking for something wrong with you.

all that's ever wrong,

was me."

maybe if I would have left,

the smallest word,

You wouldn't be here with me.

Come and play with me

It's a game you see

Chasing round and round the circle of lies

Charcoal and whispering flames

You or me to blame?

Round and round the endless night

If I said, you know

If I hadn't let you go

Would you still be with me alive?

If I said, you know

If I'd let you go

Would you still be with me in the night?

In the night

The cold, cold night

Where the weeping angels sigh

And the ravens scream and cry

---

Come and sing with me

Free as birds we'll be

In the sunlight the great outside

Come and dance with me

It's a game, you see

Round and round in the sapphire sky

If I said, you know

Did you have to go?

Would you still be with me in the sky?

If I said, you know

Please please please don't go

Would you still be with me tonight?

If I hadn't said I love you.....

This I don't know

Would you still be with me tonight?

With me tonight...

Don't worry, mom.

You'll regret this shit someday,

I'm sure of it.

You're gonna wonder why you ever screamed about the dishes left in the dishwasher or the time you grounded me for not sorting the clothes.

You'll regret all the times you left me at home so you could go off to work.

You're gonna miss my smile and the smell of my hair but i'm not gonna miss you.

I'm not gonna miss the tone of your voice when you talk to me.

I'm not gonna regret all the shit we ever fought about- that's on you.

Instead, I'm gonna long for what could have been.

What could've been us.

Mother and child

The bond

We never had and never will.

You made sure of that, didn't you?

You made sure of that countless times over just so you could-

Could what?

I don't know.

I don't fuckin' know.

But i DO know this isn't on me.

And i DO know you're gonna miss me when i'm gone.

Oh the years...

20 years of my 24 year abusive marriage I was a Pastors wife.

I used to say all the "pat" answers and cliches...

"God is blessing"..."I will pray for you"... "All things work together for good".... "God is in control"... "God works in mysterious ways"... "Everything works out for those who love the Lord"... "If God brought you to it, He will bring you through it"... "God never gives you more than you can handle".... "The devil is fighting"... "Our timing is not Gods timing".... "God decides when to call people home"... "God knows your heart"... "God blesses those who truly seek him"... "God helps those who help themselves"..."God knows your heart...(apparently so does Satan)"

I regret ever saying a single one of those pat cliche answers to people who really just wanted to be understood.

I Wish I had said, "God heals the sinner, but not the amputee"... "You create your own problems as well as the answer to your own problems" .... "You are what you think"... "You attract to you everything you fear or think is going to happen to you"...

Oh please...

PUKE!

Don't get me started on 24 fucking years of regret!