Ravished by desire

Pinpricked by Temptation

As I forward tumble

Into the Deep of the Dilemma:

Fidelity to Right,

or

Flirtation with Wrong?

Mortality ringing true

As I'm searching for you

This is the oldest poem I have access to, it's from my senior year of high school. It was fun to read back through my old journals but I'm mostly struck by how dramatic I was, haha.

Tenuous-threaded Freak

(2001 I believe...I was 16?)

This music eerily mirrors my soul

The minor chords of its drugged up thought

Seem to linger in my ears as a mere reminder

I felt the wonderful sensation of dying

Though my terms of that are to a much greater degree

You took the typical replica once again and dropped me off in the garbage can

What I'd like to do to you is merely a pleasure that comes when the sin controls me and angers my soul

But right now I don't care if I throw out my morals

Damn you, come with me now

While I'm vainly aware of my real existence

Do with me what I've desired at first glance

I won't realize until the domination of my contradictory sin reveals itself after you've gone home

But alas, I am in the garbage can

Wanting something I cannot have

Hoping for a miraculously rational excuse, so I can one-night-stand with you

But you're with the replica

Tear the shirt off your superficial soul

No wait, then I'll have to do it too

And you'll realize what I am

French masterpieces of what I've seen you do throw me into sweet intoxication

You've squinted your view and made my blockade crumble

I am but a mere random-minded screw-up

The strands of what I resist as my own garden

Are prevented by the permanently locked gate

The locked gate of unwanted sin

Cremates who I want to be

Burns what I wanted to do to you

Morphs me into the forgotten Power Ranger

If I doubled it up I'd be even more messed up

But right now I don't even care

Bitter dissaffirmations of peccadilloes that swim

Schools of fish that cannot be identified

You've never even been near me

Which is good, especially good for you

I didn't want this to happen

It was a result of my own vulnerability to fear

Fear caused by that black lump of sixth grade coal

Fear caused by the dred-locked demon of the second grade

If I was smart I could grab this all in a matter of seconds

I am normal contravened by abnormality

I beg to differ on your assumptions

I have a hazy realm of righteousness somewhere

But it's dusty beyond repair and these realms have not only outnumbered it but have impugned it as well

It's been made irrelevant

So shoot me, send me to jail

Maybe I really WILL become insane

And that way when I'm released, I can find you and do all of what's sinfully normal to you

I smile in sly anticipation

You're alone

And I am crazy

What a perfect pair

My sarcasm is nothing but a cover up, sweetie

And I am normal when I'm crazy

Yet abnormal when I'm not

You're nothing but a burning desire

A desire I try to stone away

But in doing so I sin

It's all in the mind and body

The other doesn't connect with you well

Eek. Run away.

You know that when these impulses are over

All I'll do is cry...

Beg for His forgiveness of them all

For I am merely Christ's tolerance.