Easy to spot signs that your pillow is trying to kill you
dear Theprosedotcomniks! i wish to use the stage given me, to make a serious appeal for personal safety. and so i shall eschew using ANY of the abovementioned topics, but aim to provide helpful life-saving advice.
sure, there many dangers in life; school shootings , deadly viruses, accidents, washing machines. but few are aware that more than 63% of household deaths accure out of the malice of pillows?
this is a fact that most disregard, or downplay, though it is nevertheless a very real threat, which has brought many to their doom since the dawn of time.
while there is almost nothing you can do to pacify a fed up, or furious item of apholstery, the first step to personal safety is awareness.
to that end, here is a compiled list of eleven easy-to-spot signs. these dentist's dozen shall hopefully alert you to sign that your pillow is preparing to cross the line between seething hatred and homicide.
11: the imprint you leave on the pillow, when waking up, is left unchanged when you go back to sleep.
pillows tend to overcompensate. they know that despite their strong, violent emotions, what they are contemplating is fundamentally wrong. they would not reform the shape or smooth it out ob their own, though it is quite easy for them to do, and they have hours and hours to do so. no. they hold the shape of the subsumed head as the dilemma of murder gnaws on them. it will not last for long though. once they made up their minds, and their commitment is unwavering, then you meet no inprint at all.
10: it gets bunchy.
pillows have full control of events and yet to choose to not be equally puffy at all points of their interface?
this is a definite sign. pillows that reach this point are trying to resist the inexorable pull of their emotions towards murder. they reason that with this uneven spread, they will be unable to do the deed when the day comes. this will not really stop them.
9: the pillowcase you've chose fell off during the night.
is that in any wayba good sign?! just think about it.
8: the pillow that you were using between your knees is missing.
some people, who are using the 2 or even 3 pillows , where only one is for resting their head, may think that keeping the pillows on their toes, wondering what position the'll hold in the lineup are dead wrong. pillows are not conpetitive. they will not turn on their own. if anything, they cooparate. so if one of the team is missing, its most likely because its already putting the final touches of the plan and needs tine away to finalize things.
7: they smell different.
oh, thats the sarine..or gun oil...
6: you hear them talking in whispers with other members of the household.
pillows can be chatty when there's something they want. but if one of your pillows spends more time than usual with other people , it means they are solidifying an alliance.
5: you hear the whispered promise "tonight"
pillows are masters of self control but if they cant restrain themselves and actually say this, then they have already made themselves ready mentally for the act they shall invariably commit.
4: your ear feels strange
that strange sensation in your ear may be an inner ear infection. but it could also be an ice-pick.
3: you have a troubling dream about your childhood.
got pushed from the slides in the playground? got stung by a wasp?
where do these dreams come from all of a sudden?
do you really have any doubt...?
2: the pillow is over your face.
well, it's obvious that your are being smothered. if it got to this, you probably didn't pay attention to the other warning signs. let that be a lesson to you about receiving and internlizing good advice.
1: the pillow tells you that it isn't going to kill you.
well. if you raised the topic and it denied planning to assassinate you, then it's obviously a lie. but more eerily perhaps, you could find the pillow starting up a talk, where it promises you loyalty and absolute reliability. this is cearly a misdirection. but sadly, you probably missed the bitter almond smell in the room. that is the sarine gas that is already permeating your nervous system. it was all a ploy to keep you from seeking help when you could still control your muscles.
a few tips to deal with a homicidal pillow:
-clean your house. pillows do not enjoy dust and an untidy atmosphere. it's probably something to do with their distant, jungle-dwelling origin. they are instinctively more hostile in such environments. you will never be liked by them, but the threshold for commiting murder might be higher , and they are less likely to cross it.
-choose the music you play carefully. certain live performances fall far from the high quality of studio-recorded music. pillows do not appreciate the spontaneity or enthusiasm envolved in live performances and resent hearing them bitterly.
-do not talk about cushions as equal to pillows.
pillows are old fashioned, and bigotted. they do not see other forms of upholstery as equal. it goes without saying that cushions will not be welcome in bed, even on a temporary basis. same goes with plushy toys, like teddy bears. (on a side note: you might want to be careful of those as well...)
-a buckwheat ergonomic pillow may be introduced.
perhaps as a gift for your partner/significant other. buckwheat ergonomic pillows are loyal to their owners, and may be able to infiltrate the ongoing conspiracy. at the very least, their presence will change the dynamic , and possibly reduce the threat. however, buckwheat pillows get moldy in damp, humid conditions and must be retired eventually, regardless of the personal sacrifices they made for your safety.
- install a dead man's switch.
next time you go for a checkup, ask your family practitioner about installing a dead man's triggering device (DMTDs or NDMTDs) the homicidal pillow is motivated primarily by a hope to improve their lives, once you are dead. they will think twice if they know that your heart stopping shall be their own doom. DO NOT try to bluff. pillows know all about explosives and wiring and will easily spot a fake. it will only antagonize it further.
-show an interest in politics, or current affairs.
pillows feel strongly about things. they may hold opinions that differ greatly from yours, but they are often more hostile to those who are willfully ignorant of the ongoing issues of our times.
-rethink your camouflage pattern.
as was previously mentioned, pillows evolved in sub equatorial jungles. their senses are keen and they may see you approaching from miles away. make sure to avoid contrasting colors and shapes if at all possible. on the other hand, your failed efforts of concealment may seem particularly disingenuous and further drive the pillow to brutality.
-don't sleep on the sofa.
this is not going to work. if the pillow wants you dead, it'll easily track you down. sofas will not lift a finger to save you in that eventuality. they resent much that you did on them and are spiteful. while sofas are not normally murderours, they have been known to exhibt violently when not sufficiently fed. on the whole they are not good for your back. do not hope to receive any good will from the cushions!!
-build alliances with other houshold members.
you need someone to watch your back. easy as that. pillows very rarely risk taking action against more than one person at a time. some household members may find common cause for concern, and agree to cooperate defensively. be careful who you trust though, as that a good quality pillow may be very persuasive in turning others against you. as you build your relationship , make sure to show generosity, but also emphasise the mutual dangers the pillow poses, and most importantly its fickle and treacherous nature.
Mostly Benign Coa Tracks
The Coa is a vicious carnivore with a penchant for those off the grid. As such, news of their horrific attacks are never heard, much less addressed. They usually leave serpentine tracks in the mud, which serves as a warning to those who read such things. Nevertheless, the tracks of Coas in the state of Montana which, if you've ever been there, you already know is off the grid...nevertheless, those tracks are mostly benign because they don't lead to metastases.
Metastasis, a new work ethic of mute admiration for Facebook, is antithesis to the Coa, no matter what state you're in--psychiatric, subconscious, or geographic. Thus, metasex will repel the little buggers, and you can save yourself (and your gridless grid) a lot of explaining when the authorities get involved, as they are want to do way too often for my liking. I'd remind you of this every day, via email, if I weren't off the grid. That's what the Coa tracks are telling me, anyway.
"No! No!" Valerie yelled as she raced towards the closing metal door. It clanged shut as she touched the metal, missing the opening by half a second. The alarms blared, showering the halls in red light. She banged on the door, drawing the attention of May running in the adjacent hall. May turned, a look of surprise plastered across her face as she recognized Valerie. She glanced towards the direction she was heading, beginning to leave, but ultimately gritting her teeth as she walked to the girl.
"I'm not going to help you anymore. I did enough." May turned her back, starting to walk away.
"It's going to kill so many people, please don't do this." Valerie pleaded.
May stopped. "They're not people."
"How can you be sure? You can't base life and death on what you think is humanity. Please. Look at me. I'm one of them." Tears pinpricked her eyes. "If the program takes effect, they're going to kill us."
May stood still.
"Please look at me."
May slowly turned around, seeing the tears now flowing down Valerie's face.
May's stern expression broke. "Okay." She whispered, now running down the opposite hall.