"don't let go."

that's what the memories say, as they cling to my mind,

darkness swirling and swallowing.

a beat of silence.

a pause, a hesitation.

"but i have to."

my feathers have fallen, but i'll pick them back up,

the memories fade,

and i can fly again.

I like to say my best friend is my boyfriend but sometimes, I wonder if that's true. See, there's a friend I've had for as long as I can remember. She's been there through thick and thin, building me into who I am. Her name is Victoria, just as mine is but she is the person I wish I never became.

We are almost one and the same. She is my trauma, every moment bseautifully sculpted into my nightmares. I can't run from her or ignore her. The only way I can escape her is to kill her. But how?

I find myself, walking around an edge with her and I hear her sly whispers, "Remember that time you were jumped by those girls in fifth grade?" She sneers. "How helpless you felt because you couldn't defend yourself? Remember when no one believed you except your family?"

I have had enough of her nonsense. Without hesitation, I shove her, over the edge. But the kindness in me won't let her die. I catch her and our eyes meet.

I can see the fear in her eyes, smell the helplessness in her breath. "Don't let go! Please!" She cries, salty tears running down her face. I am too familiar with thise tears. The ones running down my face at 2 in the morning.

I struggle with what to do. If I let her go, I am free of my trauma. If I don't, then I will live for however long with it bearing upon my shoulders. "I have to." And yet, I pull her over the edge, saving her. I'm too much a coward to let go. She's made me who I am, and without her, I'll be nothing.

Dale cornered Annalise, his eyes sparking with anger. “How could you?” His voice was like a dagger pressing against Annalise’s chest.

She pushed against the wall and gulped. “I didn’t have a choice.” Her voice whispered.

He pushed against her shoulders pinning her to the wall. “You-you-” He sputtered. His angry green eyes were staring right into her begging brown ones. Guilt rushed through his chest and he released her, stepping away.

Annalise took a step towards him. “I’m sorry.” Dale drew back, but Annalise kept going closer to him. “Dale, please.”

Dale stared at her, the anger slowly left his face, her gaze captivated him. Her voice sounded sweet and innocent. “It’s in the past.” She whispered stopping in front of him. “Just let it go.”

Dale scolded himself, he knew this woman. He knew her ways, her trickery. She had tricked him once, and he was a fool to fall for her. Yet, something about her made him want to go back to her. Annalise’s warm hand slipped into his, her brown eyes searched his face. “Please, Dale. It was in the past.”

His face warmed and he pulled his hand away from hers. “Anna, I can’t.” He pushed his hands into his pant’s pockets. “I can’t trust you after what you did.”

Annalise’s eyes watered, the tears sparkled in the light of the room. “You always said holding a grudge was a bad thing.” She took another step towards him. “Why won’t you forgive me? It was in the past!”

He drew in a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves. “You know what you did, even if it was in the past.” He pulled away again and averted his eyes from her deep, searching gaze. “I can’t trust you. But I do forgive you.”

Annalise grabbed his hand and squeezed it, her eyes held a glint. “You forgive me?”

Dale sucked in a breath and squeezed her back slightly. “Yes.”

Her hand held tightly to his. “Then let’s be friends again. More than friends.” Her voice was confident, tempting, and smooth. Her eyes bore right into his.

Dale felt himself falling for her again, he shook himself. “I-I can’t.”

“But you said you forgive me!” Annalise squeaked.

Dale tried to pull his hand away but Annalise held him tighter. “I do, but I can’t trust you.” He pulled away, stretching their holding hands.

“Dale! Don’t let go!” She held her ground and tried to pull him back.

Silence enveloped the room. Dale could feel his heart beating furiously inside. Now, he had to make a choice. Stay with the girl he once thought was the love of his life, or break her heart and his by leaving her. He loosened his fingers around her hand, releasing his grasp while she still held tight.

“I have to.” He yanked away and rushed out the room, ignoring Annalise’s cries for him. Deep inside he was mad for letting the one girl, he loved and knew, go. Yet, another part of him was relieved he made the right choice, at least, he was sure he did.

wake me into a dog

watch my watch go by

bark at the sky and cry

at all my clouds and lies

write me into a song

with all my shape and size

for the end of a long goodbye

just like auld lang syne

oh, I need you to know

to never let go

cause you never know

oh, I’d like to know

what do I owe

and what will I sow

oh, I need you to know

never meant to let go

guess that’s what I sowed

oh, I’d like to know

how to stay afloat

and how to let go

don’t let go

Forever.

im sorry...

Unchanging.

you should love me

Love.

i have to

*

I thought these three words went together .

hand in hand .

blood in vein .

knife in heart .

*

Woven.

no

Into.

what?

Lies.

i said...you cannot leave

Integrity.

what are you doing

Faith.

you are not leaving

Crocodile tears.

no.. .please no

*

” Do you trust me ? ”

My answer was always yes .

Because it was you .

The one I always knew .

*

you know i love you

(they pulled out a knife)

Warning.

please don’t kill me

Red.

this is all your fault

Flags.

*

” Trust me baby... ”

I did ,

until like thin ice ,

you shattered it .

You shattered me .

*

come here

(they inch nearer)

Death.

please no

Is.

i told you not to leave

Near.

i won’t , i won’t

Save.

you tried to

Yourself.

i’ll stay now , please don’t

Murder.

die

Is.

you psychotic animal

Fun.

kneel before your master...

and die.

"Don't let go."

The words of my destructive habits echoed in my ears. The words of all the fears that held me back clinging to me with big claws. I was their only friend, the only one who would listen to their lies. They fed me their lies while feeding me desserts so I wouldn't think about them. Dulled from the sugar, I didn't have the strength to fight back til one day I had a bite of their cake and it tasted absolutely disgusting and I snapped and realized I could no longer go on like this.

Enough was enough. I knew how to fight back, and I wanted to fight back, so I said, "I have to."

"Don't let go." I need you. I need you.

"I have to..." But I need you.

I need your crushing warmth

I need the restrictions

The chains bind me to earth

"I have to let go or I will hurt you."

Hurt me, crush me.

I need you.

I need your scathing whispered words

I need the blush of shame

I need to feel grounded

"I have to let you go lest I drag you down the depths of your own mind."

No, no no, I need you.

My doubt, you keep me grounded.

...

The girl’s mind was still dizzy, but all through the darkness she could hear the voices, like they were coming through a wall. Then the more she could see, the more clearly she could hear and understand the words.

-Ah, how lucky we found you! You could’ve died in this weather outside! But don’t worry now, we will get you to somewhere warm and cozy.

The girl finally realised what was happening. The townspeople found her, she survived. She suddenly jumped up and looked around. The two ladies and the man who helped them got startled.

- What is wrong dear, are you looking for something?

- A boy…- she said - A boy was with me. Did you find a boy?

- A boy? I’m sorry honey, but we only found you here. Could he be somewhere back in the forest? - The woman turned to the man. - Maybe we should send some people out there to take a look around, now that the storm is over.

The girl was devastated. She survived. She had no idea how. But what about him? She was so shocked she couldn’t even cry. She just sat there, in the snow while the women helped her up and got her to the town. They led her into a house and showed her the bathroom. The tub was already filled with hot water. She was alone again. Her tears started flowing involuntarily. As she was taking off her clothes, she unconsciously reached into her pocket to check if there was anything that could fall out. She felt something and took it out. It was a piece of paper, a bit dirty and already folded like a thousand times, but the letters were gathering there neatly in order.

“I’m sorry” - As she started reading, she felt her heart will break. But then the more words she was over with, the more she felt somehow at ease.

“I’m sorry,

For not being the Death you wanted to choose, but the Chance and the Hope you deserved.

I’m sorry,

For letting you believe that if we touch you would be the one who got hurt.

I’m sorry,

For promising you I won’t let you go, but finally at the end

I had to be the one who is gone and you are the one that I left.

Even though I know it’s hard and for me this might be the end,

I just wanted to let you know you are someone I will never forget.

I love you from the bottom of my heart and even though just from the shadows

I will always be watching over you, from now and until forever.

The life I gave to you without your permission I ask you dearly to treasure,

That is how I can share my life with you, and we can always be together.”

As she reached the end of the poem, the girl took a big deep breath. She slowly walked into the water, buried her whole body into it, then after she washed down all of her tears, she looked out of the window, up at the sky. She smiled bitterly.

“You see, you were right, the town was not far away, and we are finally here. And why would you say you broke your promise? You actually never let me go. So I won’t break mine, and I won’t let you go either. We will live. You will live, in me. I will live with the life you gave me. With you. Together. Forever.”