I shouldn't have looked at you

When you talked to my brother

Your initial step in my memory.

Not for the second time

When you were standing under

The shade of a tree.

Not for the third time

When you walked like you were

Made just for me.

Not for the fourth time

When you were engaged the whole day

Trying to wear a tie.

Not for the fifth time

When you were coughing so badly

That made me worry.

Not for the sixth time

When you had fun in your friend circle

You being my centre of attention.

Not for the seventh time

When you came on my floor

Something you'd never do.

Not for the eighth time

When you looked like an ice cream

Making me wanna scream.

Not for the ninth time

When your basketball touched my feet

And I ended up behaving like a creep.

Not for the tenth time

When you wore that black sweatshirt

My eyes couldn't help but constantly see.

Not for all those million times

When you were quietly living your life

Like a busy honey bee.

Not for the infinith time

Dreaming about you in my mind

Where I feel totally free.

But imagine if there was no first time

Then what else my crime would be?

×∞ Adin

24 August 2020

I'm a serial killer

Murdering myself

Part by part..

First, I lurk in the darkness of misery

To hit my jolly spirit with a rod

Of regrettable history.

Then I take the unconscious physique

To the grounds of weak.

Slowly, quietly, every encounter

Enhancing my skills to sneak.

Uncovering the clothes of deceit,

I see the anatomy of disbelief.

Ignoring the tears of help,

I gag the mouth of truth

With the cloth of fiction as

I just can't stand the screams of myself.

Looking in the eye with no fear,

Raping the sanity

So Hard,

Making it go crazy with discomfort

And after it dies, I assault it again

To erase the traces of purity.

Maybe I'm necrophiliac to depression

Embracing it with all my affection

Or maybe its just the deceased

Calling me for attention.

Later,

Dismembering my emotions

And hiding them in little portions

Is the toughest part of all.

I don't want any witnesses

Especially the ones

With the power to recall.

Occasionally,

I do visit the crime scene

And pay secret homage to the victims

But I can't help but smile

Because all my feelings are gone.

I don't remember

When was the last time

That the hopeful light was shone.

Will you come to save me

After all this confessing

Or will you ignore me

And say, "you're just kidding!"?

Whatever your decision will be

It won't change anything as you see

The heinous murders can never be undone

And that's why I'll always be shunned.

Maybe its written in my fate

That whenever I'll pick up a mirror

All I will ever see is a sinful serial killer.

×∞ Adin

9 October 2020

Your soft touch with strong determination

Strapped my body in place.

Looking through the eyes of conviction,

I saw your graceful face.

Injected with a needle of Midazolam.

You said that I would feel free - from anxiety

But slowly I felt like a little Golem

And as a last resort I behaved with piety.

Blacking out

From the white light of your aura.

Putting our love in doubt,

You brought the box of Pandora.

You came close and whispered,

"Time for Pancuronium Bromide."

Unable to get out of your mesmerizing skin,

I had no other choice but to abide.

Still had hope in you

Until I felt my muscles contract.

The terrifying paralysis

Spreading limb by limb.

I was unable to breath,

Powerless motion accompanied.

Not craved for your body anymore

But for oxygen as my lungs became drier.

I could feel your warm liquids pour

But none contained the love I desire.

You forgot to sedate me properly,

Administered one needle instead of two.

Your voices driven by the lust entirely,

I understood that I was always played by you.

After long minutes of struggling with me,

You got Potassium Chloride.

You were ready to stop my heart,

Sending my nerves for an irregular ride.

Looking at my clothes that laid aside

I wanted to unbuckle and hug them tight.

Remembering the past,

I waited for the final blow.

Thinking about the sorcery you cast,

My soul shivered, stopping the blood flow.

Your happiness was registered in heaven

While my existence presented in hell.

You think you were less than a weapon

While I felt the mutilation of each cell.

For you it was all for a fulfilling erection,

Passing a death sentence for me by

A Lethal Injection.

×∞ Adin

23 August 2020

He heard my heart

Calling his name

Among other voices

That echoed in his brain.

Getting up from his throne,

He started walking towards me.

His endless cloak of fire

Dragging on the sea.

He ran some distance,

Some he decided to fly.

His eyes of sealed charcoal

Matched the moonless sky.

Reaching my home

After traveling hundreds of miles.

He straightened his clothes

Wearing his crooked old style.

“Ahem!”

He entered my room

Without knocking the door.

Ignorant of his presence, I

Continued my crying chore.

He kneeled down

″I heard your calling.”

Unable to scream,

My fear began crawling.

Every second his face changed

From foul to fascinating

Like an age old painting filled

With colours nauseating.

His long black hair

Shining with people’s pain.

Every hidden root saying

Abel was murdered by Cain.

His fingers nestling

In the whims of ours.

Devouring every lick,

Snapping every hour.

His robe eclipsing

The sins which revel

From murders to assault

Done in the name of Devil.

Fickly legs being pillars

For the beggar’s deal.

Hands holding the distraught

Punching their Achilles’ heel.

Lustful lips ~ red and loud

Shouting abuses.

Eager ears ~ grey and thirsty

Waiting for excuses.

Those are the things

I heard from various people

But he felt different, something

Like the Sun in winter season.

He held my arms and

Sat beside me on the bed

With so much warmth

I had more tears to shed.

I could hear his dead heart

As I put my face on his chest.

My neck, a piano for his fingers

Pressing keys to relieve my stress.

“Why bad things happen to me?”

“What are you doing here?”

“How am I supposed to live?”

“Do you even care?”

“Why am I like this?”

“What am I supposed to do?”

“How will my situation get better?”

“Do you have any clue?”

Darting these questions at him

Like shooting stars across a field

He said, ”Let me touch your soul

And you’ll soon be healed.”

Quietly, I let him inside.

I was all his to explore.

Nodding at every blink of his

Giving all he asked for.

I started sobbing harder,

The solution was in my reach.

He felt like a caring buddy

With lots of advice to teach.

He put my head on his lap.

Stroking my hair.

My tears dropping on him,

Water sizzling those flares.

″Sshh.. my friend. Don’t cry

I had those same questions

Same feelings of doubt and

Same oppressions.

It was God who made me

And put me through those adversity

Shouldn’t I be rewarded

When I did everything perfectly?

Doing what was already written

By the one who knows all

So how did I do anything different

Why should I suffer the fall?”

And he continued on

Narrating his days of old glory

I slept listening to his lullaby

And his dejected story.

He left me and flew away

My calm breathing intense

The happiness I always wanted

Was what my soul sensed.

Like the bursting of volcanoes

Under the cold oceans

Explosions of sensations

While the pain gets frozen.

Every kindness in me twisted

Like a rope held by heavy weight.

Every immoral intention

Found an open gate.

Every dream of my life was

Mixed by intoxicating coke

I started loving my existence

Filled with delusional smoke.

I felt satisfying peace as

I had him as my defender

Flying in the sky was the

Smile of a wicked offender.

×∞ Adin

4 March 2021

Leaving my room

In putrid rage, foggy mind

And conscience at its death bed.

Running to the kitchen

To grab a glass of sparkling air

Smashing it on the wall without fear.

Holding onto every shard,

Feeling the friction of the pieces on

My palm as the static turns into dynamic.

Rubbing continuously,

Pleading those chunks to not go

To not leave me like my sanity

Or the way those humans do.

Seeing the blood say goodbye, telling

Me that it’s happy to end this hellish ride.

Dripping drops of crushed character.

Just tears following the fanatic laughter.

Adulterated soul torturing the poor carcass.

Fingers falling with the glass, along

With a strange body & a stranger heart

Strength flowing out, doubts stuck inside.

My family wouldn’t care, friends never did.

Taking me to a doctor is all they will do

Or a simple, “What has happened to you?”

Their laser sharp eyes

Fail to ponder what they see, their

Strong brains disgusted by my crazy mind.

Soon they forget the past,

Thinking I’m back on the right track,

Back to the living prison without any bars.

So I’ll continue counting

The number of breaths stolen by my

Peace because that’s how it’ll live and breed.

Continue gagging on my own sorrow,

Conscious turning pickly sour, while I’ll be

Busy blowing bubbles of my sweet serenity.

Embarrassed at my fiasco attempt, my

Bruised hands desperate to do that again,

Just for them to understand my de facto life.

×∞ Adin

11 March 2021