Unhappy Father’s Day
Sorry in advance for the poorly wrote entry. I am typing this on my phone so there's bound to be errors. I just really have to vent and I didn't know where else to go. The title of this entry could be a little misleading. In my opinion I had and still have a great father. Today was just so bad because i deal with depression everyday anyways. I always feel horrible about myself. If you haven't read my entry on knowing my worth you can read all about how close to suicide i was. Just because i havent gotten to that point lately doesnt mean i dont fight with those same demons. I lived on my own for 9 yrs and hated it. I hated so much i was either going to blow my head off or eat myself to death on purpose. After 9 years the third option was to open up and be honest and ask for help. So now I'm 30 living back at my parents house in my old bedroom. Im single and very lonely. I found one girl i was able to talk to and thought we might be going somewhere but it turned out we were just friends and there was someone else she decided to marry. Even though that upset me i cherished our friendship and didnt want to lose her so we continued talking. She moved away and we were both so unhappy that i thought maybe some way there may be still a chance. She was telling me one thing but her actions said another. She got pregnant and had a baby a few weeks ago. I havent really talked to her since the baby was born. It's clear to me now where i fit in. To avoid all the mixed emotions i deleted facebook. I knew there was bound to be baby pictures on there and stupid comments from people. So a few weeks passed and i decided to get back on. I swear facebook mustve saved all the pics for me to see. I havent liked them and ive kept my distance. Like i said, its clear where i stand. Especially when her profile picture is her hold the baby and her husband kissing her. I know i probably sound like the bad guy here because shes married but our conversations were deep. And i liked her before they were even together. Anyways, she's the one id normally be venting this all to but i can't. Today being Father's day there were more pictures i didn't want to see on there. Not only from her but from all the people on my facebook. Either they posted pictures of them with their kids or there wives posted what a great father they are. You know how my day started. I went to church and i knew the sermon was going to be boring for me because it was about being a good father. Totally unrelatable for me. However, there was something mentioned about how you should raise your kids to be on their own and independent. So at 30, single and living at home you can probably guess how that hit me. Today i should have celebrated my father. On the outside that's what i did. On the inside, from church to facebook i was just reminded of how much of a loser i am. Happy fucking fathers day.
Know Your Worth
There are so many lessons that life taught me. Some of them I learned from, some of them I still try to defy. With all this talk surrounding Netflix's "13 Reasons Why," I will choose to tell you how life taught me my worth. In "13 Reasons Why," the main character, Hannah Baker chooses to kill herself. I purposely used the word "chooses." Although there was a lot of poor choices being made by the people around her, she still made the ultimate decision. You might feel the same way she did. Did someone treat you bad or harm you? Do you feel lonely? I know at one point in my life I felt like Hannah.
You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. -1 John 4:4
First, I blamed the people around me. Then I blamed myself. Finally, I pointed a finger at God and told him bitterly that he did this. One night, in my small apartment, I never felt so alone. I moved away from my family and all my friends scattered across the country after high school and college. I was so depressed I had trash everywhere. It was just piled up all through my apartment like a hoarder. The difference was I wasn't attached to the stuff, I was just too depressed, lazy and didn't care. One night, I smoked some weed(which was like the 3rd time ever) and drank a six pack of bud light. Feeling so down I grabbed my Ruger 9mm handgun. I laid in my bed that didn't even have a sheet on it. I sat the gun on my chest. As I laid there reflecting back on my life and how I got to that point I started to cry. I looked out my window and up at the sky. I said "you did this!" I continued and said "Why am I here? Why did you leave me?" Even in the drunk and high state God immediately answered me. A voice came right back in my head, "I didn't leave you, you left me." It was true. I was a good kid until I turned 18 and thought I was untouchable. Fridays and Saturdays were for partying and Sundays I was too hung over to go to church. I totally blocked God out of my life.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. -Deuteronomy 31:6
Here's how it taught me my worth. As I laid there that night and thought, I'm so worthless a voice said, yes you are. That same voice said that's what makes the crucifixion of Christ even more loving and perfect. The son, the only son of God, chose to die for a worthless piece of crap. That's a perfect love. That tells me I have worth. That tells me you have worth. I love that God created Adam from dirt. Yes I am a pile of dirt that Jesus died for.
then the Lord God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature. -Genesis 2:7
so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life. -Titus 3:7
I cried myself to sleep that night. When I woke up the gun was laying beside me in my bed. It was a miracle it didn't go off. I dusted the cigarette ashes off of the cover of my Bible and I tried reading it more. However after that night it didn't just get better. There was still the trash that completely overwhelmed me. I tried to clean it up but it was just too much. I remember sitting on my couch and I watched a couple of mice running across the room. I continued to struggle. One day I was so stressed and fed up I took off in my car to a parking lot just to get out of there. I just needed a break from the smell, the worry and stress. That quick break turned into two very long years of me living out of my car. I continued to pay my rent I just didn't want to go back in there. As for worrying, that's all I did. I was waiting for a phone call from my landlord or police asking "where are you, why is this place such a mess?" It never came though.
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. -Psalm 91:1
I worked night shift 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. Which that was good because all I did was bounce from parking lot to parking lot to keep suspicion to a minimum. My nights off of work I'd drive 2 hours north to stay at my parent's house. If I worked another shift this all probably wouldn't have worked out because people would have noticed the one car left in the parking lot at night that has been there for hours. A few times police did come up to me and ask what I was doing and I made up some bogus excuses as to why I was there. I don't know if they believed me or not because my car quickly looked like my apartment and you could tell I was in it a lot. I stopped back at my apartment every week or two just to clean out a mailbox full of mostly junk mail and overdue bills. I had a gym bag full of clothes and toiletries. My shower was that I arrived to work early and found a bathroom to at least quickly wash the important areas of my body. I was doing wash just about every two or three nights. I didn't even mind it because it gave me something to do. I gained so much weight just because I would go to fast food parking lots and buy something to eat. I wouldn't even be hungry. Sometimes I bought it and never ate it. I was so sick of fast food and now I don't even eat McDonald's anymore. I'm convinced they serve straight poison. Not to be humorous because it was so horrible but I felt like a rich homeless guy. However, between food, gas and bills come payday I was broke. It was crazy that no one ever caught on to what I was doing.
At the same time, I had my Bible and a lot of sitting and reading time. I never have smoked weed or drank after that depressing night. I figured it wasn't a good idea to mix depression and different outside chemicals. I would read and pray. I prayed for a way out. Then there was an opening for a first shift position. Knowing I couldn't get away with the way I was living on another shift I immediately put in for the position. I felt this was God giving me a way out. I thought he can provide opportunities but if I don't make a move and take it then how can he help me. When I put in for it I knew I would get it based on seniority. I took it to force myself to change the way I was living.
Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. -Matthew 7:7
My bosses informed me that I got the spot and it wouldn't be for two weeks until I would switch. I thought that that was great and that it will give me time to go over to my apartment and clean it out. Well, I still dreaded walking in there. I managed to find enough guts to go in. I started to clean. It didn't last long. I just stopped and stared. I thought I can't do this by myself. I went back to my car and found another parking lot. I'll go again tomorrow. Tomorrow became the next day and the next day after that. Before I knew it, it was the day before I switched shifts and I was off so I was at what I called "home home." My cousin had this training for work and it was going to be down where I live. He asked if he could stay at my apartment. When he asked I had every intention of cleaning my apartment so I said sure. I was up late worried because I was going to have to live back in that trash and I got family coming in a couple of days to stay.
casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. -1 Peter 5:7
When my mom came home from work that night she was telling me about one of her friends struggles. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't tell her about everything but I told her about the depression and that I almost felt possessed. That might be a little far fetched but not impossible. If I wasn't, then I believe I was being oppressed by forces that certainly weren't earthly or Godly. I remember the silence because I knew if I spoke the knot in my throat would have burst into tears. I'm pretty sure that's what happened anyways. I lost it as I told her about the trash and living in my car. My mom listened and thought of a plan to get me out of the mess I was in. She comforted me with a hug and her words. The next day, my parents and I went to my apartment. I remember not wanting to walk them in there. My mom insisted it was okay and this was the only way which she was right. When I opened the door she again comforted me saying it wasn't as bad as she thought. I don't know if I fully believed her. Not only did we clean up the mess but we cleaned out everything. I decided I was going to live at "home home" and commute. I was making enough money to do that as long as I was willing to drive the long distance.
Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. -1 Peter 5:8
So here I am. I drive about an hour and forty five minutes to and from work each day. I get sick of people saying I'm crazy for driving so much. Maybe they would all stop if I told them the truth behind it. Then we all know how that goes. You become "the guy." You become the crazy suicidal guy that everyone talks about. As for the drive, it gives me time to think and pray. If they as me why I do it I just respond with I didn't like living there and alone. Work isn't as bad knowing at the end of the day I get to have that "I'm home" feeling. Yes, I drive a lot but I'm smiling. I get to spend time with my niece and nephew. My niece just celebrated passing kindergarten and what's really crazy is I almost wasn't there to experience it. I remember when I was finishing up recording a song and she was just learning to talk. I had her speak into the microphone.
I said "say something."
"ummm..." as she thought.
"say Jesus loves me,"
"Jesus loves you."
I just laughed and said "close enough!"
"When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place, what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them? You have made them a little lower than the angels and crowned them with glory and honor. You made them rulers over the works of your hands;
you put everything under their feet." -Psalm 8:3-6
During the days I was writing this, I received news that a friend of mine had overdosed and passed away. Please pray for her and her family as they deal with this trying time. Thank you. Rest in peace Aimee.
I love to look out to where the sea and sky collide at the horizon. It saves the guy drowning in the waves behind my eyelids. The salt burns. He tried to climb an overturned vessel, I guess that's why it's called the Red Sea. Let's see, reach into my pocket for a tool to pull them from their sockets? My optic nerves for too long sent burned blurred images to a brain that's been nervous for it's heart. Even with my eyes open I only see the beauty that God chooses to show me. Otherwise, it's odd how even with open eyes usually I can still see the dark only. Back to the blistering cold where the wind's whispers scold. At the same time if it quits blowing everything gets put on hold. The almost frozen solid heart pumps in slow motion. It's like the last piece of machinery turning off because it's broken in a factory ready for removal. So if they pulled me apart and took my brain and my heart, my veins and my eyes, I'D NEVER FEEL MORE ALIVE!
Alone with idle hands,
Chemicals control my thoughts,
Solid stone I stand,
Know God, I fought,
Listen to the silence,
But voices tell me lots,
Never meant to be defiant,
But the voices never stop,
Wait for marriage they say,
That will never happen,
Fill your cup today,
God is up there laughing,
The longer I fight,
The stronger the urge,
Every woman I like,
I'm on the verge,
The woman of my dreams,
Sits upon my desk,
I see her on my screen,
She removes her dress,
A shining cross around her neck,
She don't know what it means,
It hangs between her breast,
Selling her soul for paper colored green,
Now I'm jacking off mad,
What doesn't she get,
Making me bad,
And into a hypocrite,
When I'm done,
You're no longer special,
Move on to the next one,
This was just sexual,
Wasn't that nice they said,
But my cup is empty again,
My emotions are dead,
They whisper do it again.
....I'm a screw up, I live in a lean to,
I do what I don't mean to, and don't do what I need to,
Got the anger of a fool, get PISSED and pay a TOLL,
then I trigger the BULL, and LET it target my soul,
Daydreams of screams left with just a smoking barrel,
Family staring down at my blood soaked apparel,
but if bullets crossed my mind, like bullets cross my mind,
then consider this rhyme recorded in past times,
so I gotta get the money, a cure for my tummy,
ain't just about the food, when I say that I'm hungry,
Maybe I'm crazy, I thought it was established,
Just look at the scribbles I jotted down in my tablets
I'm trying to stay sane, but tell it to my brain,
when shit gets slain, it sometimes stains,
Don't let anyone say, I never went to war,
It's an everyday battle and I still ask for more...
Who am I? I'm just a peasant. I was on the edge of killing myself. I'm the one who never made into the story of Cinderella. I knew Cinderella before she was Cinderella. I knew her when she was living in that ugly house with her treacherous sisters and awful step-mother. They were so mean to her. She had the bruises and scars to prove it. I met her one day in the forest. I was out working gathering firewood for my master's fireplace. She was out hiding from her sisters after they decided to read her diary. They laughed and made fun of her. They mocked her entries of hoping to find "the one" someday.
She felt broken. Even when she was crying she was beautiful. I loved to write. I thought it was so awesome that she shared that interest. Our relationship grew. We both were a mess and we picked each other up. We shared the best and worst of ourselves. We told each other our darkest secrets. She was kindhearted which only made her even more beautiful. I would've married her right there. I fell for her.
There was a party at the palace and I was not invited of course. I did watch from a nearby tree. It was almost funny to see all the women tripping over themselves for the chance to marry the prince. I even cracked a smile a couple of times. Then I saw this stagecoach pull up. Immediately everyone stared. The way the gold glistened caught everyone's attention even the prince. Who is that? She got out and my heart shattered. I should've left then. I just couldn't believe what I was seeing.
Angry, sad and confused, I was a whole mess of feelings. I saw them meet in the middle of the ballroom and dance. I saw them laughing and staring into each others eyes. I saw everything. Everyone else didn't see it. Everyone else didn't even recognize who she was because they never saw her like I did.
Midnight couldn't come soon enough. All of a sudden she ran out of the palace. She lost a glass slipper on her way down the steps. As upset as I was, I tried to sneak over and grab it for her, but right before I got there one of the Prince's men picked it up. From that night we didn't talk like we used to. I didn't see her much and I knew the Prince would soon find her. He is what she wants anyways.
Who am I? I'm just a peasant. I watched from a distance a story you all call a fairy-tale. I pray to God and ask why did I have to go through this? It would have been far less painful if I would've killed myself before any of this happened.
Today is their wedding day. Today is the day I die. The palace is again filled with happiness. This time I'm not there to witness it. I can't see much through these teary eyes. I keep seeing her looking beautiful in her white dress walking down the aisle. I shakily tie a rope. As they stared into each others eyes, I stood on a chair. As they said their vows, I wrapped the rope around my neck. Finally, when they said "I do," I kicked back the chair. They kissed and my rope broke. I died that day. It's just that my Hell is that I'm forced to watch them live happily ever after.
Sidewalks of Sand
As he walked through his hometown he heard a truck backfire. All of a sudden the sidewalks were sand. He looks down to see he's covered in the blood of his brothers. He hears a familiar voice calling for him. She yells, "daddy!" Daddy is okay until he marches again tomorrow.
-In honor of all those who have served-
There was a time I would play music. I would close my eyes and picture just her and I. We would meet in this big fancy ballroom. Her on one side, and me on the other. We would be glancing over and catching each other's eye. Heartbeats pounding and stomach turning from emotions. Finally, we would meet in the middle and dance and fall in love of course.
If I really love her I should be happy that she's happy right? It's not that simple. She told him before how good she was at making everyone around her believe everything was perfect when it wasn't. Is this just one of those moments. Does she still feel for that peasant? He doubts it. The recent lack of communication only confirms it. It shouldn't be that much of a surprise. The past how many years they've only talked about their feelings for each other. Whenever he brought up that they should get together she always had an excuse. He had high hopes though. Maybe it was their conversations. The late nights of talking and sharing the deepest of secrets about each other. It didn't change how she said one thing but her actions said another. He was tormented by his own thoughts. Thoughts of him being a punchline of a joke or a charity case. Do they sit around and laugh at his emotions. Do they feel bad for this lonely peasant. Is he their entertainment.
People stare at this man because he's alone. He reads their questions on their faces. Even their concern as if they're thinking what kind of monster are you? The kind of monster that plays it off as if he doesn't have a heart. But he does. For some unknown reason he doesn't show it off. At least it was unknown. Now his heart is ill and filled with pain. He never felt so alone. He tried to change. It was supposed to get better but it's not even close. He will forever feel like a constant failure. He just wanted his family to be proud of him but he is a irresponsible immature pain in the ass. He should have stayed off on his own. At least everyone else could've been happier. They're there but he still feels alone. He sees the people. He looks at the pictures. He sees those moments in life that people cherish. It hurts knowing he'll never experience them. He'll never tear up seeing a beautiful bride standing across from him. He'll never be a new dad looking down at his baby for the first time. Never watch as his parents celebrate their grandchildren. He'll never have that father child bond. It's emotions that even aggressive, blood thirsty animals experience, and he won't. It's sobering to know that beasts are more human like than you are.
The fact that he wanted those experiences with her just adds to his misery. I told her I would pray for her and I did. I prayed for her to be happy because she wasn't. I prayed for her and her husband to grow closer because she felt distant. I should preference that with, I pray to God for so many things. The one thing I prayed to him about, that I didn't really want, was the one prayer he answered. Careful what you wish pray for. The girl you love might end up 2,500 miles away with someone else.
I feel like it was a long journey across the ballroom floor. When we finally reached each other she continued right passed me. If at that moment the dream would've vanished it would've been a blessing. Instead, I sat there forced to watch you dance happily ever after in someone else's arms.