Chapter two: Mask of lies

I'm not even going to lie, when I received the letters back that you wrote me I couldn't even believe my eyes. I thought you would have hated me for how things ended up between us, but you were so caring and loving, that it just blew my mind. I wish that you would have taken the time to love me as I was, but you couldn't get past yourself. You couldn't get past being the center of attention, and everyone knew that.

      But now that you are gone, I feel like a piece of me is missing, and I know nothing in this world could take back what I said to you when we decided to end things, so this is as close to an apology as you are going to get, because you don't deserve one. You don't even deserve to be seen with me, because it's embarrassing. Everyone knows how you are and there's nothing that you can do about it because your secret is out. The secret that I could have cost us everything because I didn't want people to know who you really were.

      You were a back stabber, and now it's time to let all your secrets fly into the wind of unforgetfullness , and let the people smell all of your dirty laundry. Two can play at this game, and I am going to win, because the thing that I have that you don't is a powerful voice. I just have to give the people what they want for them to listen to me, and that's exactly what I'll do, anything to get back at a maniac that tried to ruin my life to better your own.

          Sorry if it seems like I'm coming off so rude, but I just truly cannot comprehend why you would have ever treated me like you did, and made people believe that you were a good guy. Just because you fight for a country, doesn't automatically make you hero. I mean of course I'm very proud of you, considering the home that you grew up in. I know things haven't always been easy for you as a kid, but I think now you have brought out the best in yourself.

          I'm not going to lie, I was kind of hoping you would take me on a date while you're home, but I don't want to come off as a gold digger. Seriously, that's the last thing that I want people to think about me, Because they already think the worst. They think that I'm the reason you left comment and the reason that you moved on to the army, but you always. Had the hunger for war.

      I remember when you used to tell me stories of you and your dad, It's still breaks my heart to this day to know how you treated you I just don't understand how parent that is supposed to be so caring and loving, could treat their own son like that. I mean, someone who would come home so drunk at night and beat the living snot out of you. I have always wondered why people who get treated so badly, never speak up for themselves. But the world tells us that if we speak our feelings, But the world tells us that if we speak our feelings, that we are weak and no  will care.

    But that's not true because I care. I care about your feelings, and I respect the things that you had told  me in secrete, and I will never tell another soul, I promise. I just want you to know that there is still hope for your future even if the smoke is too thick to see through sometimes. Do you know. That even in bad situations there is always a way to find the good, you just have to pay real close attention to be able to see it. And when you finally take a step back from the childhood trauma that used to play through your head, you will realize that you are worth more than anyone could ever imagine, you just have to be willing to see the difference.

      When people tell you that you aren't good enough, you just have to have  faith and believe that you are doing all that you can. Nobody is perfect, and I want you to remember that, when you are feeling low and don't think that you can make it anymore, you can and you will because I believe in you, and that is all that matters. I know it's hard to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, but you are doing great.

Because I know if I was in your situation, it would be a whole different story. But I guess that part of our stories are kind of the same, because I have been through situations where just because I was a kid people wouldn't listen to me. Even though I would speak up and try to tell them things that really mattered and  that people should worry about, they would never listen because. Of my age. Even as I had gotten older, more and more people stopped listening to me, because I told the truth and spoke up for what's right, in my eyes at least.

So many of us feel like we have the weight of the world on our shoulders, and think that we have to carry it all on our own, but we don't. We don't have to stand there and let other peoples words beat us up and tear us down. We are stronger than what anyone could ever imagine. And I do agree that it's hard to find hope in a world that is just slowly falling down the drain in this life , but we have to be the ones who are strong and have to believe that God is working it all for his good and not our own.

You know on the back of a coin where it says in god we trust,, does the world really trust in God?? Or is it just another 1 of those sayings, that people say and never really mean. I I can go into restaurants and I see this all over the walls, I I can go into restaurants and I see this all over the walls, or in stores you can see it sometimes too, but it doesn't really mean anything if you never mean it. I mean seriously, I mean seriously, do we really believe in god and trust him with all of our hearts. Because I feel like if we do we would quit worrying about what the world thought of us and how people judge us or how they view us.

I know that you were in the war of Ukraine and Russia,  and I just pray for a hedge of protection over you. I hope he protects you and opens your eyes to things that you have never experienced before, to have the hope, and the ability to fight for a country, and to protect the world that the Lord had built for us.

    I mean, if anything I will love you no matter what you choose, but I just hope you choose the 1 that's best for you, and the world. Because you have to have a wise decision and make wise choices, too be able to protect the world with all that you have up to your full potential.

    I don't want to live the rest of my life wondering if you ever loved me, or cared about me at all. I sort of remember the sparkle your eye when you said that you loved me, those words coming out of your mouth meant the world. I would do anything to get that back, but I know its too late. I know that it's too late to try to go back and fix things that we had left broken. And I just want you to know that I support your decision.

    When it comes to you protecting the world, I pray that you do it is right. Because the weight of this world can take a role on your heart and it's hard to not bow down to the things that people push in our faces all the time, because a lot of times we give in. But you can't give in. You can't let people walk all over you, and use you just to their advantage.

    I know that people say there is hope for the world that we live in today, but it's really hard to be able to see that, when we are blindsided by the things the world tries to shove down our throats. The world feeds us these lies and makes us believe that if we don't dress a certain way, or act certain way common that our lives don't matter. But they do matter.

        I mean you are out here fighting for our country, and the world wants to try to make you act a certain way, and try to trick you into being just another puppet on a string. The only thing the world wants to do, is toy with your emotions, and make you feel like you will never amount to anything, and when their thoughts and words start to see I to your head, be strong. You are a conqueror and you can get over your fears, just like I did.

      I no longer have the fear of people judging how I am, because their opinion on me doesn't mean that's who I am. I will always love you for who you are, and nothing in this world could ever change that. I loved you so much that I let you drag me down to the place where I didn't even love myself. I hated the way that I looked, and the way that I thought people were judging me.

    I know a lot of people think that just because you are gone, that it means I will be looking for a new love, but I wont. I will sit here and wait for the day when you finally start to come to your senses and become the man you were meant to be. I know that there is so much more that this life has for us, and we will just have to ride it out together, because loosing you would be the ultimate death of me.

            But why?? Why do I sit here and think you are going to change for the better, when chances are you probably won't? Why do I let you get to me to the place of self destruction, when I knew I would never mean anything to you. You think you are all that, just because you fight for our country? It's an honor of course, but if you are just going to be a jerk, then why even bother to show your face? When people find out about the one thing that drove us apart, then they will see the I wasn't the problem, and that it was you. Are you ready for me to set your lies free into the world for everyone to see?

      Because I don't think you are. Now, I'm not that kind of person that Doesn't give people second chances, but the second that you betrayed my trust, it is a lot harder for me to know that I can trust you and not tell people who you really are. It's my responsibility show the world to you are, so other people don't get hurt by the mask that you were wearing. You could try to cover who you really were, and get the girl no one else had the chance get, but it's only a matter of time until someone uncovers the true you, the you that hides behind the mask of lies.

Chapter One: A broken letter

My heart was fragile, like a delicate rose being thrown in the floor and broken into many peices. The way your words would speak over me would make me tremble, and remind me that I amount to nothing in your eyes, I will always remember that. I will remember the reckless nights you swore would end, but poison won't fix a broken heart. You said you would never leave me, now look how far you've gone. Crying and begging for mercy on your knees, when you were the one who said you never needed me. It's never a game to love and leave someone, I guess that's what you are good at.

          You were good at pretending like you were the good guy, but everyone knew your flaws. And I never wanna hear you say that I was the one that ruined our relationship, because it was you. It was all the nights that you had to spend with me, but you were out partying, or out having fun with your friends instead of spending time with someone you loved. Someone I thought you loved. But I guess not everyone has a prince to lead them on their way into a magical wonderland, and I'm finding life a lot easier without you being around.

        When I take the time to go back and look at the memories that we shared last summer,I remember being happy, and so very in love. The way your hands intertwined with mine, it made me feel secure just to think that I had someone to love and to hold forever, but It was all a lie. Every word you chose to speak over me told me that I amount to nothing, and I never will. You know, for a while I bought into it. I bought into your games and the way you messed with my head. But I've listened to your voice for so long, I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't even know if my existence is worth your time. I seem to cause so much pain and heartbreak everywhere I go, that it would probably be a lot better if I wasn't here in the first place. But that's what you want, isn't it?

        You want me to go. You want me to leave and never come back, because you only care about yourself. That's the problem with you, you are so selfish, that you wouldn't even care if I was gone. I just can't wait until the day you finally wake up and realize that I was the one who molded you together when you were breaking, I was the one who healed you when you were at your lowest place. But you've made your choice, and I respect that. You chose to leave me lonely and nothing you could ever say or do, could ever replace the words that you throw at me.        I remember when you used to write me love letters in the sand, and go on slow walks down the beach with me. Those were the times when our love was at its highest peak, but you let your selfishness get in the way of what could have been a lifetime of joy for us.      So today is the last day that I look in the mirror and feel sorry for myself, feel sorry for the way you left me, for the way you treated me, because I deserve so much more than that. I was so good to you, for you to just treat me like some rag doll to wipe your sweat on. And there's only one way that you actually understand what I went through. Because if you were reading this letter it means that I am gone forever.        And I know what you're thinking, you're probably thinking that the only person I blamed with you for the way that I felt, but that's not true. I blamed myself for the longest time, because all I wanted to be was the perfect image of a woman that you could ever imagine. But perfection doesn't fix all of your problems. As many times as we had argued and fought over the silly things, if we could have just sat back and actually listen to each other we would have lasted so much longer, I would have lasted so much longer.        But because you couldn't treat me like a real man should that's why I'm not here anymore. When you look back on these letters later down the road 5 years, 10 years, maybe even 20 years later I want you to realize that I loved you with all of my heart and nothing in this world could ever even change that. It was just my time to let go, my time to let myself shine. Time for me to show the world who I am.        Just because I'm gone doesn't mean that I don't love you anymore, I just don't feel the connection, or the spark that we used to share anymore. I wish we could go back to the younger days where we were wild and free and we didn't care what people thought about us.But that's all that really mattered to you and I. We let the way people defined us, value our worth. And because we were so caught up in trying to live a perfect life, we let the memories and the time is we share slip away from us inch by inch          I still remember the 1st night that we kissed, it felt like magic in the air under a bright full moon. But I will never get to ride that rollercoaster of emotions ever again because you won't have me in it to worry about anymore. I wish I could go back in time and really cheers those moments we used to spend together, because they will be gone forever and nothing could bring them back.        Looks like it took me leaving for you to finally understand that the world doesn't only revolve around you, and that's probably something you can't comprehend and probably never will. And I know how you are, you probably been around telling the whole town how much you miss me and made people great together with you because I'm going, but the truth is you never cared me. All you ever cared about was you, your fame, your love, and the Things that make you look so amazing.I was never 1 of your top priorities,I was never 1 of your top priorities, and I will never be  But good news for you, because that is not something that you'll ever have to worry about because I'm not coming back. I left you the same way that you left me all those other nights partying, and hang out with friends when you could have been here with me. Having the time of our lives, together just us. But you never wanted to spend quality time with me, and I know why. You never really liked me. I was just mad that you used me to get what you want, someone that you used to make yourself seem popular, so I'm sorry that I changed my mind and wanted to change my life for the better. I don't want to be with someone who is only going to love me because of my abilities, I just want to be loved like a normal person. But it looks like that job was to hard to handle.

      I mean, what kind of man would treat a woman like that? You, that's who! I can't believe that I let you ruin these last few years of my life, because I will never get them back. At least I have enough sense now to not let things like that happen to me anymore. Because I won't have you, so you won't have the opportunity to treat me horrible anymore. Whenever you find a new love, somebody that you want to spend the rest of your life with, just remember how good you could have had it with me. But you chose to take the route that lead to destruction, and it's all your fault. You could never put the blame on me because I tried everything in my power to keep our relationship going, but it was you who wanted things to end.

      Thank you for some of the most happiest years of my life, because even though we want our separate ways, there's nothing in this world that I would do to take back the memories that we shared. The night that you came home drunk, and slam the door. Made me really think about my life, and how I could improve and make things better for me and for you. I just felt like leaving you was the perfect thing to do, because you could look back on your life and see what you did wrong and hopefully change for the better.

      I pray for you every night. I pray that you would see the things that you have done, and can't erase. But I also pray that when you think about those things, you never wish to do them again, because it doesn't really affect you it affects everyone else around you. I just can't wait for the day that you finally wake up and realize that it wasn't just the heartbreak that you caused me, it was a heartbreak that you caused my family that made me feel so ashamed to be seen with you. You never wanted to do anything, or go anywhere unless it benefited you in some way or another.

      I just wanted to say thank you for helping me be the best person I could be. Because the lessons that you had taught me through a relationship really helped me become a better person. You taught me that love does not fix all problems, and that not everything can be worked out. Sometimes relationships get broken and sometimes that happens for a reason. I have never seen a relationship and if it was meant to last, and it looks like the relationship between me and you was not meant to last.

      You were only there for a season, but you taught me so much about life that I thought I had already known. And thanks to you I don't take the little things for granted, I remember what it means to actually love somebody, and mean every word that you say to you made it seem like you cared by saying the right words at the right times, but the reality of our relationship was that if it didn't benefit you then there was nothing to it. And I know you're long gone and probably forgotten about me by now, but if you ever happen to find this letter, just know how much that I loved you and how much I think you for the things that you taught me. I know you are much different than what you were when we were together, and that's all right because not everyone stays the same after heartbreak.

    The moments that we shared together we're so peaceful and happy. One of the most happiest moments of my life. But I always knew that you had another side to you, another side that you didn't show many people. So if you thought that you fooled me, think twice, because the only person that you fooled was yourself. I knew all along that you weren't the perfect image of a guy for me. You had your flaws, and I have mine. I'm not saying that I'm perfect by any means, but if you think that you hid your flaws from me, you didn't. And just because I seem naive, does it mean I am. I never called you out on your flaws because I didn't want you to look at me as someone who strived for perfection. Because I only wanted to work on strengthening our relationship, but that's not what you wanted.

      The only thing you were actually going to accomplishing, was leaving my heart broken on the floor trying to pick up all the pieces. But I couldn't. I couldn't pick up the pieces even if I wanted to, because my heart was so shattered that it would have took forever to put it back together. But that's okay, because I don't need you to mend my broken heart, I just wish you would have been there for me like I was there for you all of those nights when you were hungover and needed a ride home. I was the one you called when you needed someone to help you out, but the second I ask for just a few minutes of your time, it is the end of the world for some reason, and I will never understand why you could never respect me.

      I wish I would have known what I was going to get myself into when I met you, because if I would have known that it would have caused me so much pain and destruction in my life,  I probably wouldn't have let you last this long. But it's okay, because I have moved on and so should you. We shouldn't let the things in our past define our future. I was just happy for the years that I had to spend with you, and hope that you were grateful for the ones that you got to spend with me also. I will never love you any less then I did when we were together, because the truth is nothing you could ever say or do could make me stay mad at you.

    It was just our time to end things, time for us to move on from the perfect life we thought we had, because perfection doesn't fix any problems. A lot of the times the only thing perfection does is make them worse.

    Oh and by the way I heard that you were going into the army. You have no idea how proud of you I am, because the boy that I used to be with a few years ago would have never even dreamed of going into such a dangerous operation. But I always knew that you had a thing for adventure. I will support you no matter where in the world you are even though we aren't together anymore, because I will always have a part of your heart with me. And I hope you will always keep a part of mind somewhere. In your heart.

      I know that they say things happen and people break up over the years, but I really wish that this could have lasted. I wish I could just see you one more time and hug your neck, and just tell you how sorry I am for how things ended. I'm sorry for all the nights that we fought, and for telling you that I hated you even though you know I didn't. Because I know words can hurt, and I never wanted to be the person to throw words as if they were stones.

      Words can't even express the way that I am feeling about you right now. I think about you each and every day, and every day it is harder to get by, because I know that I will never have you again. I messed up on the chance that I had with you, because I was so selfish, and never really understood what true love actually was. But now that you're going fighting for a country the only thing that I have of you to hold on to, is your memory. And that is enough for me to get by right now, but I don't know how I'm going to be able to make it in the future. Especially without you being by my side, because you were always there to help me when I was feeling low and comfort me when I felt as though I wasn't good enough.

        I just wanted you in my life because I was going through so much, that when you finally became part of it, I did not know how to fit you in the plans I already had for my future. No matter where this life leads you, or wherever in this world that you end up in, I just want you to know that you will always be my hero. And nothing could change my mind that you are someone special. You just have something about you that makes you different from the others.

    And I just want you to know that when you get this letter that I have been thinking about you non-stop, because you are the biggest part of my life and I'm sorry that we had to let things go. But if you ever come back in town I would love to just go out to dinner or go somewhere and just talk about the good times that we used to share, and where you were headed now in your life.

      I'm sorry for not being there for you whenever you need me, I just wish things would have worked out a little differently but it turns out that we weren't meant to last.